


Deadly Hold

by Soorin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A rollercoaster I guess, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Beating, Canon Universe, Dark Thoughts, Developing Friendships, Domestic Fluff, Drug Abuse, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Lee Donghyuk | Haechan/Mark Lee, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Loss of Trust, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT) is Whipped, Mental Health Issues, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Other, Physical Abuse, Rape Recovery, Self-Acceptance, Self-Denial, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sexual Abuse, Taeyong is trying his best to be a good leader, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, True Love, Trust Issues, Underage Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2019-08-20 10:16:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 75,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16553900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soorin/pseuds/Soorin
Summary: So why wasn’t he on the ground, his cranium crushed like his cell phone was just a few minutes ago?A sinister laugh escaped his throat as his eyes landed on the moon in front of him.Until the end.Until the very end.Donghyuck was incapable.





	1. New folks in town and first impressions coming with them

**Author's Note:**

> Well, hello everyone, first of all, thank you for reading this.  
> I want to warn everyone here, this story deals with some heavy stuff and some triggering issues so if you can be sensitive about abuse, rape, and self-depreciation, please be careful with this story.
> 
> I also wanted to say that I'm not an english native speaker, I'm French, I live in France, I don't know why I'm writing horrible stuff in english,  
> A round of applause for Anna Luciel who kindly proposed to be my beta again and special thanks to evangellie who helped me with this chapter !
> 
> NOW back to the story, this is just a starter, this is pretty soft and happy for now so enjoy it.  
> The first three chapters are written in a childish way, but I want everyone to understand that the writing style is going to evolve at the same time as Donghyuck will evolve.  
> Donghyuck is still a teenager in this story (underage in Korea). That's why I chose voluntarily this messy/childish/immature writing style. Just know that everything is on purpose.  
> The writing style is evolving slowly but takes a drastic change in chapter8, if you don't believe me then take a quick look at it before reading this story. I know some people are discouraged by the childish writing (cause so am I) but please, don't be, I swear it'll change.
> 
> (and I don't know how many chapters there is going to be but I'll finish this story for sure, don't worry)
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING : I do not try to romanticize suicide attempts/rape/abuse/eating disorders/overprotective bf, on the contrary. This story is going to deal with mental issues in a detailed way (at some point) so be careful if you're sensitive about it. I'm trying to keep things as realistic as possible so I'm sorry if things are too blunt.  
> This is going to deal with rape aftermath.  
> If you were a victim of abuse, don't keep it to yourself, people can help you. You can always talk to me about it, and life is always worth living.  
> Mark and Donghyuck are already in a relationship when this story starts, maybe I'll write a prequel later if you want it.
> 
> Lee Hyunjae, Choi Donghwa and Lee Jaedong are my OCs, don't search them up, and don't steal them please.
> 
> 2nd WARNING : There are going to be graphic descriptions of violence in this fiction.  
> I'll warn you in the begining of potentially triggering chapters.

“I hope you guys will warmly welcome the new members of the staff, Mr Lee Jaedong one of your new managers, Ms Lee Hyunjae your new vocal teacher and Mr Choi Donghwa your new dance coach. They are going to take care of you now, so let’s get along ok ? It’ll be better for everyone.”

  
  
If you say so.  
Donghyuck never really paid attention to staff members, usually they were kind of boring actually. Always talking about the same shit over and over again: “You should always be polite, humble and grateful”. Fuck that. They were all the same, no one really cared about them, they only took the job because it’s well paid, and honestly, he couldn’t blame them for that.

What a rough world we live in.

  
So when the trio presented themselves to them, he simply did what he always did; he ignored them. Really, it was better for everyone. He wasn’t bothering them and they weren’t pissing him off — nothing more or less than a great deal. He casually planned on doing the usual, thinking that they’ll be promoted or gone in the next few months—like the others always did—and that he’ll start his little game with brand new people all over again.

 

Little did he know how wrong he was.

  
.

  
“Will you please just freaking focus Haechan? I’m not asking for much, just do your bloody job. I feel like I’m wasting my time with you. How can you be so distracted all the time?”   
  
Blah blah blah yeah, _whatever_.   
  
He wasn’t trying to be an annoying teenager or anything like that, he just was one. There was nothing he could do about it. Or maybe there was. Well, even if there was, he didn’t care at all. He was not going to change for some douchebag who’ll be gone in 3 weeks or so.

  
But he was in fact practicing harder, because this wasn’t just about the egocentric prick, nor about him, but about his teammates and his dream. He was working hard for them, he couldn’t disappoint them and he couldn’t abandon this after all he’s gone through, so no, Choi Dong-fucking-Hwa wasn’t going to bring down his mood.   
  
.   
  
Good news, the other two staff members weren’t as insufferable as their colleague.  They were actually pretty nice to him. Jaedong hyung cared about him in many ways, making him feel comfortable after a hard day of work, always thinking to bring him a cute gift or a sweet from the grocer y store on their way back home after a performance. He kept babbling about how cute he was, about how they were all lucky to have him as the maknae. Honestly, who was he to say otherwise? He perfectly agreed with that so he let the man talk, after all, he wasn’t hurting anyone so he just let him be. 

Moreover, it was making Mark jealous. And that my dear, is priceless.

  
.  
  
Hyunjae was nothing but sweet. She sort of became motherly figure to them and Donghyuck had to admit that it felt nice being around her. Her voice was soft, she was really nice and she always gave them great advices to improve their vocal range.   
He didn’t particularly mind if the new staff members stayed, they’re pretty cool.  
Except that Donghwa dude. Jeez, what a jerk.  
  
Speaking of the devil, today’s NCT 127 practice was living hell. All Donghyuck could remember was being yelled at and he hated it. He has sensitive ears you know?   
At some point, Mark even stood up for him, asking the douche to go easy on him. It hurt his never-ending pride to be treated like a damsel in distress but then, it was Mark treating him like a damsel in distress. So instead of throwing a tantrum—like he would have usually done—he kept his mouth shut and rewarded his cute boyfriend with a peck on the cheek later in the car, under the approving eye of Jaedong hyung and the gagging sound gracefully made by Yuta.

  
He didn’t give a shit. Being all lovey-dovey with Mark was his way to keep going, and trust me, it was really working when his dense boyfriend was blushing like a tomato and all flustered just for a peck on the cheek after nearly ten months into the relationship. Sometimes he would wonder if it was possible for him to love the boy even more, and every day, he wholeheartedly responded “yes” to that stupid question.

 

Mark Lee is going to be the end of him someday.  
  
.  
  
Their comeback was getting nearer and nearer and the old routine started to get on his nerves. Be yelled at by the douche, be comforted by Mark, have a sweet time with Jaedong hyung and Hyunjae noona before getting back to the dorm to cuddle and sleep peacefully with the one and only Mark Lee.   
Despite his confident appearance and his mischievous remarks, deep down under his playful façade, he was feeling terribly insecure. Because let’s be real here. How can Mark Lee, out of all the boys in this world, how can the Mark Lee be in love with him ? It seemed surreal to him, even if his adorable boyfriend kept repeating that he means the whole world to him, that he is marvellous, that he is more than he would have ever hoped for, he still couldn’t believe him.   
He put in a lot of effort to change his way of thinking, but honestly, he didn’t make any progress and it just made him feel more and more depressed every day, so he stopped thinking about it, completely. And he felt better, just by enjoying the time he could spend with his boyfriend, who seemed to be a gift from above.  
  
His new found stability came to a brutal halt when Hyunjae noona began to criticize him on his singing several times. He knew he wasn’t perfect, nobody was, but he thought that he was doing a great job at singing—that he wasn’t that bad. Since he debuted his fans and his vocal teachers kept praising him, they were all saying that he had a beautiful voice and he began to trust them over the years.   
And Hyunjae noona was so nice with him, all the time… so if she’s telling him that he doesn’t work enough and that his notes are fragile, that must be true.

  
Right?   
  
.

  
That definitely wasn’t the end of the world, he could handle some critic ism, he obviously wasn’t some kind of drama queen who couldn’t handle to hear the tiniest reproach. His ego wasn’t that fucked up, let’s just say that he had some pride—ok, a lot of pride—and that it wasn’t often put to the test. To be honest, he hated it.   
Therefore, he did every little thing in his power to remedy the situation. He worked harder, longer and restlessly for weeks until he was plenty satisfied with himself before asking Hyunjae Noona if he made some progress.     
  
“You must be joking right? You know I love you Donghyuck-ah, and I love your voice, but when I see what you are doing with it… I really think you waste your talent. This is horrendous. Even worse that last time. Please, do not bother me if it’s to hear you doing a terrible job like that, save me from this hearing torture, I’ll be thankful.”   
  
Something broke in him that day. He didn’t know what back then, and he’s still not sure what it was even now, but starting from that day, he’d never been the same. His pretentious and showy façade seemed to fool everyone—even himself for a few moments—to the point where they didn’t  bother to take time to choose their words carefully when they talked to him, like they did with Doyoung for example. Maybe they thought he could handle it, maybe they think his emotions didn’t need to be spared, maybe they thought he was strong.

  
  
If only they knew how wrong they were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the writing style can seem a little bit childish for now but don't worry, I'm doing it on purpose and it's going to change slowly
> 
> Thank you for reading everyone ! :D


	2. Mundane Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a billion times to Anna Luciel who keeps saving my life on a daily basis by being my beta and thanks to evangellie who also helped me with this chapter !

“You didn’t buy me ice cream today Jaedong hyung?”

“Stop behaving like a spoiled brat Donghyuck. Moreover, you need to lose some weight, the comeback is nearer than you think.”

 

He must have looked hurt—cause he sure was—Jaedong hyung was the only one who was being nice towards him these days with Hyunjae Noona turning evil for god knows why and Donghwa well, he’d always been a douche so nothing really new here. He didn’t know why, but during these days everything seemed to be falling apart around him, he thought he’d be able to support them for a few months but it now seems to be impossible. But in fact, it didn’t matter, he had to deal with it anyway.

 

“Hey, Dongie, look I’m sorry buddy, you know I care about you, but you really need to focus.”

 

Focus. Donghwa had already said that to him, more than once. Maybe he actually needed to.

 

“I know Hyung, I’m sorry, I’ll work harder.”

 

Jaedong grasped firmly his shoulder, giving it a little squeeze before getting out of the car.

 

“Good boy.” He murmured while walking with confidence to the entrance of the SM building.

 

.

 

“Haechan you will stay after practice a little bit, I need to talk to you.”

 

Shit. He is in deep shit. Ok, maybe he pushed it too far this time. It’s just that being focusing on the new choreography had been a huge challenge these days. He couldn’t really help but letting his mind wander, thinking about his hyung and noona’s weird behaviours. So he may or may not have danced off tempo once, or twice… ok, more like twelve times in an hour which constituted a new record. He knew he was going to get scolded, yelled at or whatever. It’s Donghwa after all, at least with him, there’s no big surprise.

He waited for everyone to leave the room, responding to Mark’s cute peck on his nose with a reassuring smile and turned back to his teacher, who closed the door behind his boyfriend. He locked it and came closer to him. Shit. He’s trapped.

 

“Are you okay? You seem to be a little off these days.”

 

_Let me take back what I said._

Donghyuck stumbled a little before answering carefully.

 

“Yeah, everything is alright, thanks for asking though.”

 

His dance instructor sighed and ruffled his hair gently. Well, that was a surprising gesture.

 

“I know that I can be a bit rough with you kids an—”

“More like a pain in the ass you mean.”

 

Donghyuck thought that this ultimate provocation was him signing off his death but his teacher just laughed and took back his hand.

 

“Yeah, you can say that if you prefer. I’m perfectly aware of that matter, and I’m actually working very hard to be… nicer? I guess? I’m not very good with words but I just wanted to apologize to you, I was particularly harsh with you and I shouldn’t have been. If I did something that hurt you or anything, I’m just… I’m sorry ok? I’m sorry Donghyuck. I just want you to know that I’m here if you need to talk about something that’s bothering you, that’s it.”

It was the first time the jerk called him by his real name. Maybe he wasn’t that bad after all; he even apologized. Donghyuck was tired and wanted to go home, maybe he smiled at his teacher because of this, or maybe he began to believe him, either way, he told him “It’s okay, I got it, but everything is alright, don’t worry, Hyung,” before returning to the dorm.

 

The boy didn’t even know how wrong he was.

 

.

 

“Are things okay between you and Donghwa hyung? I noticed you stopped yelling at each other.”

 

Mark casually asked the question he had wanted to ask Donghyuck for a few days. Both of them were cuddled up in the living room’s couch the younger lying down between his legs, his back resting against his torso. They were watching god knows which popular Kdrama for more than an hour now, Mark’s arms were firmly secured around his dongsaeng, his right hand slowly tracing up and down his lover’s naked arm, the other one gripped onto his waist. He would have given the world to stay like this his whole life. And so would Donghyuck. The latter turned his gaze away from the telly to watch his boyfriend’s beautiful face for a brief moment, probing him, and then he turned back to the terrible drama—was that a car accident? Seriously? _Again?_

 

“Yeah, he acted all nice and caring about me all of sudden, he even apologized, it was pretty creepy, you should have seen it, I still have the chills. That dude is freaking me out.”

 

His hyung just laughed and tightened his arm around him giving him sweet pecks just onto the junction of his neck and his shoulder, drawing out some content sighs from him.

 

“You’re being too harsh with him. He apologized first, shouldn’t you be glad? You hate apologizing, even to me.”

 “Especially to you, but that’s not the point. I have a bad feeling about that conversation, I don’t know why, I just felt something was wrong.”

 

Mark’s smile faded and his brows furrowed, looking at Donghyuck’s eyes with more attention. Worry began to creep into him. He stopped his caresses to put his hand on the younger’s cheek, forcing him to look at him in the eyes.

 

“Hey babe, are you actually scared about it?”

 

His suspicions were confirmed when Donghyuck looked away, averting his gaze while chewing his bottom lip, he could spot this habit a mile away. His boyfriend was definitely scared about this.

 

“Hey, hey, hey, no need to worry as long as I’m with you okay? If he’s saying something weird just call me.”

“But you’re not always going to be with me, and you can’t and that’s alright, but something’s fishy about him and I need to found out what it is, and I need to be able to handle it myself.”

“Well, sure, if that’s okay for you, that’s okay for me babe.”

 

“Jeez you’re so cheesy hyung, that’s gross.”

 

A cute smile broke across both of their faces.

 

“You love it.” Said Mark with malice, progressively closing the insufferable space between his and Donghyuck’s mouth.

“Oh trust me, I don’t.” responded Donghyuck, his smile getting even wider until Mark captured his lips.

 

The kiss became messy, wet sounds of saliva could soon be heard in the room, his chest about to explode because of the overflowing emotions making his head dizzy from happiness.

Mark was right. He _loved_ it.  

 

“Will you two have the decency to do those disgusting things in the privacy of your room and spare us the epitome of hell? Thank you very much.”

 “Will you stop being a nun one day, Yuta hyung?”

 “Dude, I’m watching the drama, I don’t want to hear your disgusting wet kisses just right next to my ear.”

 “I take that as a no, then I guess I’ll just have to pursue the quality time I’m enjoying with my cute boyfriend.”

 

Donghyuck turned himself to straddle Mark’s hips, wrapping his arms around his neck, staring at his mouth-wide boyfriend right in the eyes with a heated gaze, biting his bottom lip suggestively.

It’s definitely not because his nervousness this time.

 

“You—” His voice cracked and he had to cough a little bit to regain a stable one —as much as possible.

“You think I’m cute?” he said dumfounded.

 

His dongsaeng burst out laughing throwing his head back revealing his wonderful sun-kissed neck, a melodic sound escaping from his throat. Mark could have sworn he was burning. This was really, really bad. He was horny as hell, with a very hot looking and arousing Donghyuck resting on his crotch, in a room full of their hyungs. He still didn’t know how to handle his man after those ten months. Not that he’s complaining about it. Donghyuck backed away, critically searching Mark’s features for a response to his actions.

 

He could probably talk all day long about how much he loves it when his brows form this cute frown giving him quite a stupid expression. He loves it when his mouth is slightly open, desperately trying to gasp for some air. He loves it when he can read in his eyes his lack of understanding. And he loves the blush that on his cheek illustrate how after ten months, he’s still unable to resist him.

He loves him.

 

“You broke Mark, Hyuckie. Take responsibility for it!” Yelled Doyoung from the other couch.

 

Then Donghyuck caught Mark’s lips again and again, grinning evilly.

 

Oh this was bad.

 

“You’re so dense, hyung.”

 

This was _really_ bad.

Donghyuck should stop doing this pda, he knew Mark was embarrassed by it. But then again, it wasn’t really public, it was their hyungs—which made it either ten times better or ten times worse.

But he couldn’t restrain himself. It’s always been part of his personality. He was showy. And hella possessive.

 

“At least try to pretend you’re hiding your gigantic erection Mark and pleas—oh they’re starting it again. Bye guys, I’ll be in my room if you need me. Jesus.”


	3. Incomprehension, confusion and denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can get confused about how things are developping and about how things are going fast but don't worry, everything is explained in details in the next chapters.
> 
> I wanted here to reflect how we often react in those kind of situations, we don't really understand what happens and we're in a sort of "shocked state" for days, weeks, even years sometimes until we finally understand how we behaved and how bad things were. We tend to brush it off, like it's something normal because we don't want to aknowledge the truth, that's what I wanted to do with this chapter, but it will be the last time things are kept this way 
> 
> Thanks a lot to Anna Luciel who beta read and corrected this chapter <3
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy the chapter :))

“So you don’t think it’s good enough noona?”

“No, of course not, it’s far from good enough, this is complete garbage _Haechan_.”

.

“Jaedong hyung, I brought your coffee like you asked me to, I don’t understand what’s wrong with it.”

“Are you kidding me? I asked you a hint of vanilla, not for the whole Madagascar in my tiny cup.”

.

“You can take a break Donghyuck, you seem tired.”

“Piss off hyung, I’m still able to follow the choreography.”

.

“But I don’t understand noona, how can I get better then? I worked so hard and you’re telling me it’s not good, I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Get a hold of yourself, you’re really disappointing me Haechan-ah, I didn’t know you are such a failure.”

.

“I’m so sorry hyung, I’ll do better next time.”

“Oh no my boy, it’s not going to be that easy, you’re going to be punished this time.”

.

“Are you sure? There is no shame in taking a little break you know?”

“Piss. Off. Hyung.”

.

“That’s mean noona, I tried my best.”

“Well obviously your “best” is not enough! You’re so untalented it physically pains me to hear your voice every fucking day!”

.

“Punish me? How so?”

“Just like you deserve.”

.

“No need to overwork yourself, you’re doing good, you’re actually the only one who already memorised the whole choreo!”

“Hyung. Piss off please.”

.

“Noona… I’m not untalented.”

“Oh my, and you have the nerve to talk back? Will you please stop thinking you’re a child gifted with incredible talents? ‘Cause you’re not Haechan! You’re just some random kiddo who appeared to be dumb enough to be manipulated by a huge industry. Don’t think even one second that you’re special. You’re not.”

.

“Hyung? What are you doing with that hyung?”

“You guess.”

.

“Just saying you’re pretty talented and you worked hard so you deserve a break.”

“Piss off Donghwa.”

.

“Noona… why…”

“‘Noona why Noona why?’ Stop being a fucking pussy Lee Donghyuck, all I hear from you is crying, crying, crying and crying all over again. You do nothing but complain, already thinking you’re some diva or whatever. You’re not even an artist. Will you explain to me how the fuck you passed SM’s auditions? You had sex with SooMan?”

.

“You can’t do that hyung, that’s not right. You don’t have the right to do that.”

“Listen to me very carefully. You. Are. My. Thing. Haechan-ah. You belong to me.”

.

“Okay I got it, I leave you alone, but don’t forget to drink some water.”

“Will you just piss the fuck off?”

.

“I think I deserve some respect as a human being Noona.”

“That’s the best one really. You’re nothing, Haechan-ah. You’re an object. You’re the property of SM entertainment. You’re my property Haechan-ah. You, do not, deserve, anything. Is that clear?”

.

“No hyung, please don’t, don’t!”

“You do not have the right to beg for anything.”

.

“A little bit on the nerves are we? It’s okay Donghyuckie, everyone is.”

“Piss off hyung. Just piss off.”

.

“I… Yes it’s clear noona.”

“Say it. Tell me that you’re a piece of trash. Say it.”

.

“It hurts so badly hyung, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please stop it. Make it stop.”

“You need to remember that I, as a generous soul, stopped your suffering. You need to understand that. Now tell me what you are and how you feel about me Haechan.”

.

“Everyone’s tired it’s true, but you still need to take care of yourself. I know how generous you are Donghyuckie, but don’t forget to think about you too.”

“Piss. Off.”

.

“I’m a… I’m a piece of trash and I deserve nothing. I’m so untalented that nobody wants to hear me sing. I’m a fai-, I’m a failure.”

“That’s good. Very good. Finally we’re making some progress here. You can go home now, you worked hard today Donghyuck-ah.”

“Thank you Hyunjae noona.”

.

“I’m thankful, so thankful to you Jaedong hyung, you’re always here to help me and to have my back. Without you, I would have suffered for much longer. You’re always here, always, with me, everywhere. In the car, in the dorm, to our concerts, our performances, our shows, you’re always behind my back. Even if… even if I’m a failure, I don’t have any right to beg for anything. I’m nothing, but when you’re with me, I become something. You’re helping me to get better and to improve everyday so that I’m always giving my best. Thank you Jaedong Hyung.”

“That’s a good boy. Go home, Donghyuck.”

“Thank you for your kindness Jaedong hyung.”

.

“Maybe you want to eat something Donghyuckie?”

 

“PISS OFF HYUNG !”

Some shocked gasps broke the cold silence of NCT’s kitchen. He messed up so badly. He was so tangled up in his memories he forgot where he was. He wasn’t in the practice room, it wasn’t Donghwa hyung. He was at home, with his hyungs, safe. But now Jaehyun was looking at him suspiciously from the other side of the counter and Taeyong looked really hurt.

 

Shit. Of all people it had to be him. His sweet hyung, always taking care of others before taking care of himself, the best leader he could have ever dreamed of.

 

So he sighed painfully, bracing himself for what was to come. He did the one thing he hated the most: he apologized. But this time, it was honest. He didn’t meant to snap at the poor Taeyong hyung, really.

“I’m really, really sorry hyung, I’m a little jumpy today, I guess it’s because of the lack of sleep. I apologize for yelling at you, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.”

A tender hand came to soothe his head, playing gently with his hair.

“That’s alright Hyuckie, I totally understand that you’re feeling a bit nervous these days. You’re put under a lot of pressure, it must be hard for you. If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone, just come to me. I’ll listen to you with a huge bag of popcorn and some really bad dramas.”

He was so perfect.

“Do you want some stew to warm you up?”

He did not deserve him.

 

When he stopped eating whereas his plate was still half full, he didn’t notice Jaehyun’s eyes watching him the entire time. Maybe he should have. Maybe he would have talked to him at that moment. It would have changed a lot of things. But it’s too late now.

And it’s entirely his fault.

.

Donghyuck wanted to talk about what happened with Jaedong hyung to someone, he really wanted to. At first.

 

Then, he began to wonder why he still hadn’t talk to anyone and the answer came to him, as clear as pure water. He was ashamed. Most importantly, he began to think he deserved it.

Sure, his body aches and it’s not putting him in great conditions to dance, but he needed to be punished. He messed up so badly. Because of him, Hyunjae Noona is tired and disappointed and Jaedong hyung is even more stressed. It’s all his fault. Disgust creeped into him as he thought about his noona and Jaedong hyung’s attitude towards him. They were so _nice_ to him. Even when they weren’t forced to. He has to do everything that’s in his power to bring joy to them, they put high hopes in him, and he cannot disappoint them _again_.

 

He trained harder. Harder than ever.

 

But it still wasn’t _enough_. What did he have to do for them to be good enough?

He thinks that no one really knows, not even Hyunjae noona and Jaedong hyung and he couldn’t do a thing about it, except to work and try harder.

 

However, his body still had some limits but he couldn’t blame Jaedong hyung for it, it was entirely his fault, he was just not strong enough. He should be able to bear it. Such a _pussy_.

 

“Are you alright Donghyuckie ?” Doyoung asked him softly, putting a gentle hand on his knee.

 

They were both sat next to each other, on the floor of their practice room. Donghyuck desperately trying to catch his breath for more than two minutes now. Everyone was sweaty, tired and just wanted to go home—it was already 3am—but with their comeback in two weeks, they could not afford to be lazy.

 

Yuta and Johnny were talking enthusiastically to the coach, Sicheng Taeil and Mark were talking quietly and Taeyong and Jaehyun were sat just like them with their backs against the endless mirrors. It was nice to be here. As days passed, he figured out that Donghwa Hyung wasn’t such a pain in the ass as it first seemed, maybe he was a little too touchy it embarrassed him back then but now he doesn’t really notice it anymore. Even if they were working their arses off, they were together. And there was no Hyunjae noona.

 

Nor Jaedong hyung.

 

I’m a terrible person. I shouldn’t think something like that.

They’re helping me and this is how I pay them back? They’re right. You’re a brat Lee Haechan.

 

“Hyuckie?”

“Oh yeah, don’t worry hyung, just a little tired, but I guess we all are so that’s not a big deal.”

“You’re right Hyuckie, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take care of yourself. You’re important to us Donghyuck, you should care more about yourself.”

 

He closed his eyes, an uneasy feeling in his chest and opened them immediately when Taeyong crouched in front of him.

 

“I just wanted to say that I’m very proud of you Donghyuck-ah, you’re doing a great job these days and you improved a lot, congratulations for your effort!”

 

Since when had his hyungs become _so good_ at lying?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to make things clear, nobody was sexually abused here. For now.


	4. A nice cup of tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Graphic description of violence and mentions of rape in this chapter, if it may trigger you, be careful.
> 
> Things get worse before it geets better I promise.
> 
> But it's going to be pretty bad for a while, please forgive my dramatic angsty ass (because I do not forgive myself)
> 
>  
> 
> Once again, a huge thank you to Anna Luciel who kindly accepted to beta-read this crap and is nowhere to be find jobless any soon.

Hours turned into days, days into weeks and their comeback came hitting them hard. It was exhausting. Don’t get him wrong, Donghyuck loved performing, he loved singing and he loved his group but somehow comeback periods were always the worst. Their schedule was so full that he couldn’t even spend time with Mark; their only interactions reduced to good night kisses when they weren’t too drained to fall asleep immediately. Maybe it’s better this way after all. Something was wrong with him these days, he kept making a lot of mistakes and obviously wasn’t performing up to the “idol” title.

 

Hyunjae noona and Jaedong hyung had told him so and he knows it’s true, he can feel it. It’s not even like it’s one person talking shit about him, no, it’s two qualified members of staff who like him and who were telling the hurtful truth. Hurtful yes, but it was the truth nonetheless. It must be said.

 

If he was honest, he was glad he wasn’t able to spend time with his boyfriend. How can he face him right now? Particularly when everything he undertakes, big or small, blows up right back in his face.

 

He’s so ashamed of himself and he’s so scared—scared that Mark will finally going to notice how useless he is; scared that he’ll finally notice how dull he is; that he’ll finally notice how untalented and how ugly he is.

 

Terrified that he’ll finally realise that he doesn’t want him anymore.

 

.

 

His thoughts are forgotten when they performed their encore stage for their 4th win in a row, happiness filling him entirely. Doyoung handed him the trophy and a pang of doubt hit him. He glanced at the backstage looking for his manager. When he found him, the look on his face was very clear. _You do not deserve it._

But Donghyuck still grabbed the trophy, holding it proudly above his head with a wide smile directed to the audience.

.

“Congratulations guys, you can go back to the car now. Except you Donghyuck, I need to have a word with you. It won’t be long don’t worry.” He smiled gently and locked the door behind Mark.

 

When he turned around, finally facing him, Donghyuck immediately felt a pang of guilt crushing him. He shouldn’t have put a hand on the trophy, it was not his trophy, it was theirs’.

 

“I’m sorry hyung, I shouldn’t have—”

“You disobeyed me Haechan. You were insolent and you need to be punished for it.”

 

Donghyuck lowered his head, looking at his feet intensely perfectly knowing what was coming. Jaedong hyung punished him regularly for his awful behaviour, he had done for more than 2 weeks now. It hurt a lot. But he knew he deserved it. So he endured it. He shouldn’t have disobeyed him. A bone-crushing punch cut off his breath. His brain only just had the time to process that he was on the floor before the beating became much more violent than the other times. Kicks sank into his ribs as tears slowly flowed down his cheeks.

 

Jaedong stopped, unable to catch his breath, and looked down at him his face twisting into a grimace out of disgust. He stepped on his right hand and the pain was so intense that Donghyuck blacked out for a few seconds and carefully cradled his injured hand to his chest. He tried not to think about how weird the angle of his wrist was or how the sound of his bones breaking made him want to throw up. He must return to the car soon, he has to control himself. His hyungs couldn’t see him like that, his hyungs couldn’t know how weak he was. As his breathing became stable he had the time to hear his manager before he left the room.

 

“When will you ever learn?”

 

.

Silence was always the first thing he noticed when he walked into their recording studio. Yuta took the habit of burning some Japanese incense his parents used to send to him so it smelled good all over the place, making his head a little dizzy but he thought that it was a great dizziness. It made him feel serene. It was so peaceful. In their debut days, when the boys didn’t get along as much as they do now, when he thought he wasn’t good enough to be in the same group as them, he used to come here to spend a good part of his free time, not even to practice or to record any tracks, but just to feel this peacefulness that filled him every time he was here. At some point, Mark followed him and began to come with him as—he said—“emotional support”. They never talked when they came here, but it wasn’t embarrassing, it was that great bonding silence that he could only feel with a good friend. Or Mark. Because Mark is always an exception.

 

“Ah Haechan-ah, you’re here.”

“Yes noona, you told me to come.” Donghyuck said sheepishly, twisting his fingers.

“I’m sorry.”

The look he gave her must have conveyed his incredulity because she laughed a little and pursued carefully.

 

“About yesterday.” She put her hand on his arm and gave him a little shrug.

“Don’t be, it’s okay, I’ve heard worse.” He said with no emotion.

“No it’s not Donghyuck.” Her hand came down and laid on his waist and Donghyuck noticed the use of his real name and his breath caught in his throat because suddenly, everything felt very _wrong_.

“I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that, it was very disrespectful. And you’re so cute Hyuck, you have every right to be respected right? You’re an incredible singer.” Her hand slowly slid down his back and he jumped a bit.

 

Everything was so confusing right now. Yesterday she told him he was nothing more than an object and now she praised him? He shook his head a little, brushing his thoughts away. Maybe she just had a bad day yesterday, that’s alright, everyone has bad days. But her strange smile right in front of his eyes screamed the contrary.

 

But maybe she was telling the truth.

 

He finally got out of her hold, and bowed at her before leaving the room with an uneasy feeling stuck in his chest.

 

His studio. His peaceful island. With an uneasy feeling.

 

Well that was a first.

 

.

 

“I want you to understand that what happened the other day was completely your fault. Hyunjae and I tried to warn you but it seems you’re only doing what you want to without thinking about the consequences.” Jaedong had been lecturing him for ten minutes now.

 

It was seven and he should be home by now— _shit_ he forgot to tell Taeyong. They were sat next to each other in his office on his leather couch. His hyung never looked this tensed up, and it was because of him. It was always because of him.

 

But still, his hyung was so nice to him.

He took the time to take him to the hospital to get his wrist healed. He took the time to summon him in his office to explain to him why what happened the other day happened and what he could do to avoid it from happening again. He even prepared him a tea. How sweet was that? Donghyuck kept messing everything up but his manager never let him down and cared about him like he was his own child. Donghyuck was so _lucky_ to have him.

 

He sipped his tea, enjoying the nice attention from the other when he suddenly felt very uncomfortable. A hand grabbed his knee and slowly went up along his thigh. Only Mark does that. And Mark was his boyfriend, and his friend. Jaedong hyung is his friend too, so _it’s okay..._ he guessed.

 

But no. _It’s definitely not okay._

 

Donghyuck stiffened when his hyung grabs his crotch, giving it a little squeeze. He let out a tiny noise out of shock and exclaimed nervously, “what are you doing Jaedong hyung? Stop it!”

“Do you really think you can give me orders?”

 

And that was it. Something broke into Donghyuck as realization kicked in, hitting him hard. The sweet words, the critics, the shouting, the beatings. How in hell could he have just let things happen like it was normal? Since when was he so credulous? How could he have been so stupid? He was lying to him, all along. He never really cared about him, he never really wanted to be a good manager, and he never really wanted to help him to stop being insufferable. He couldn’t help but think about that tv show about abused kids he saw one day. Somehow, images were stuck in his head, and he couldn’t help but think about how his situation terribly looked like that. He did nothing wrong. It was Jaedong who was fucked up, touching teenage boys in his office, not him!

 

Adrenaline rushed through his veins as he ran for the door, escaping the other’s hold. He heard his cup of tea shattering on the floor. That was on a whole different level than beatings and Donghyuck didn’t know if he was able to endure that. But he sure as hell never wanted to. Futilely, he tried to open the door and the lock just taunted him in return. He heard more than he felt the man approach him — his mind too focused on escaping. He grabbed his injured wrist and crushed it with force, earning a heart ripping scream from Donghyuck. “Get off me you freak!” His own voice surprising him as it came out wavering. Lee Donghyuck was wavering. What had he become?

 

Then man tackled him against the metal door and banged his head violently making him dizzy.

Blood flowed from his head, and for the first time in his entire life, Lee Donghyuck was genuinely scared. Hell. He was _petrified_.

 

He knew he couldn’t overpower the man that was currently holding him firmly still. He only had a few options. The damned door was locked, there was a tiny window but they were on the twelfth floor and it was out of reach anyway. There was a lamp heavy enough on his desk to knock him out but he would have to escape his grasp for that.

 

As he began to despair, he felt his phone in his jeans pocket. If he could distract him to have the time to call one of his hyungs then maybe…

 

Everything happened too fast. He spat onto his face, ignoring the outraged screams he earned and quickly ran out of his grip and he speed-dialled Taeyong. “Donghyuck-ah ? Where are yo—” Taeyong’s voice was cut as his phone was ripped out of his hands. His manager threw it to the wall and the screen crushed in several pieces the device turning off.

 

Don’t panic Donghyuck. Don’t panic, _don’t panic!_

Door: locked.

Window: out of reach and twelfth floor.

Phone: crushed.

Physical alternative: He was so screwed.

Wait a minute. Twelfth floor. In a business building. At seven o’clock. There is obviously someone near this office. He looked at the other straight in the eyes and he screamed. As loud as he can.

 

He had always loved his voice. He loves singing, he loves sulking, he loves chatting, he loves laughing. He loves sulking to Mark, he loves chatting with Mark, he loves laughing because of Mark. He loves murmuring things in Marks ear, he loves singing for him and he loves moaning for him. He loves Mark. He loves Mark so much. He loves Mark more than he loves himself, a lot more. If he’s able to bear himself after all those years it’s only thanks to Mark. He learnt to love himself bit by bit by seeing himself through the other’s eyes.

 

When his manager stuffed his tie in his mouth and blocked his nose with his rough hand preventing him from breathing, he could only think about how much he loves Mark.

 

When he held onto the lamp to crush it on his manager’s head with all the strength he could gather, he was only rewarded with a sharp slap making his head turn to his right, he could only think about how much he loves Mark.

 

When he was pressed against the desk, his back hurting and tears streaming down his cheeks as Jaedong choked him, pressing his big hands on his neck, he could only think about how much he loves Mark.

 

When his clothes were ripped off, when his throat was aching from the sudden inhale of air, when unwanted _cold_ hands were felt all over his young body, he could only think about how much he loves Mark.

 

When he struggled to escape, draining his last strengths only to have his head smashed back against the desk, he could only think about how much he loves Mark.

 

When his virginity was stolen from him in the worst kind of ways, hurting his entire body and soul to the point he felt like he was going to die at any moment, his endless sobs filling the room and fighting against the repulsive form above him, he could only think about how much he loves Mark.

 

 

And how he’ll never be able to face him again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, you can throw stones at me, I'll be okay with that.
> 
> The messy writing style will go on for a few more chapters but I swear it's almost over.
> 
> What do you think about this ? Please comment ? I don't know what you're thinking about this story ^o^


	5. Jaehyun's Pancakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One million thanks to Anna Luciel who kindly accepted to beta read this story (she's amazing)
> 
> (Sorry for the update, I spotted some mistakes, I'm on that dumb bitch juice again smh)
> 
> WARNING for a mild panic attack in this chapter plus some graphic description of blood and dark thoughts at the beginning.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy it :)

“I’d love to blackmail you about doing the same thing to your cute dongsaengs, especially that cute little Jisung but I will only do it if it’s necessary. Maybe I already did though? Well, I’m sure that it’s not going to be necessary. Do you want to know why? Just look at yourself Haechan-ah you’re not even trying to avoid what’s happening between us. You loved it. You wanted it. It was so easy to break you, you’re so naïve, it’s endearing, really.” He stepped closer to him while arranging his shirt. “Do you know why you’re not going to tell anyone? It’s because you’re disgusted and ashamed of yourself Lee Donghyuck. I saw it the first time I met you. And you know what? You’re right to be.”

 

He smiled at him and Donghyuck wanted to throw up more than ever. He’d never felt that exposed before. He was still lying on the desk, completely naked, bruises and corporal fluids all over him being the only witness of his living nightmare.

 

The man slapped his thighs and said smugly “Those are sexy as fuck Haechan-ah, go on maintaining them for me right?” And he exited the room, leaving the building like every other ordinary working day.

 

Everything hurts.

 

Donghyuck stayed lying there for a moment, looking soullessly to the ceiling. He wanted to get out of this room so badly earlier but suddenly, getting out now seemed terrifying. Getting out would mean that life goes on. Getting out would mean admitting what happened. Getting out would mean affronting the world, people, his parents, his hyungs again. And Mark. But Donghyuck was so tired, he knew he couldn’t bear to do any of those things.

 

But he still had to.

 

His head turned to his right, looking at the clock on the immaculate wall. Eight thirty? It felt like centuries passed in an hour and thirty minutes and Donghyuck felt too old to bear this. Too old for this world. Like he was the only one who aged up and in such a short amount of time. And he was tired. Of everything.

 

But he still got up.

 

Blood and sperm flowing down his legs, sweat covering his entire body. He felt like trash. He was trash. He dressed up slowly and picked up his broken phone, but everything seemed so meaningless now. Maybe he is going to develop an STD, maybe he had AIDS now. Maybe he was going to die. Maybe he should.

 

But it doesn’t even matter.

 

.

 

He’s home before he knows it, his way back to the dormitory seeming to be erased from his memory. He stands in front of the door for a moment seriously considering sleeping outside for the next ten years. But his reason got the better of him and he shyly knocked on the door. A second passed and a very worried Taeyong appeared in front of him, swinging the door open.

 

“Where were you young man?”

 

His intense gaze pierced into him and he lowered his head looking at his feet, his hoarse voice coming out of his hurting throat gently “I’m sorry hyung, I was—” His leader wrapped him in a nice friendly hug and Donghyuck couldn’t bring himself to shove him away. Taeyong closed the door with his foot and tightened the hug. It hurt a lot but he seemed relieved to see him, and to be honest he was relieved to see him too. When he looked above his hyung’s shoulder, he could fully see the room and all his hyungs who were worryingly waiting for him. His heart clenched in his chest. They truly cared about him. They loved him. But how would they react if they knew how disgusting he actually is?

 

He was released  from the hug only to have Mark’s hand gently caress his head, playing with his brown hair, letting the strands slip between his slender fingers. He flinched a little, a flash of pain flowing down his spine. But his muscles relaxed, genuinely relieved, knowing that the dried blood that was once tangled in his hair was now down the sink in an SM bathroom. He lifted his gaze to find those loving black orbs screaming his love for him silently and suddenly it was too much.

 

He cried helplessly in front of his hyungs, unable to breathe correctly, clenching his chest with his right hand, the left one hanging on Mark desperately. He panicked when he acknowledged his position. He was now seated his back against the door, his left hand in Mark’s right one, Mark’s left hand on his right cheek, tears streaming down his puffy face, morbid screams coming out of his throat, a panicked Taeyong to his right and all his hyungs looking at him helplessly.

 

It didn’t help the situation at all.

 

When he finally managed to breathe correctly again following Yuta’s strict instructions, he relaxed focusing on Mark’s fingers going up and down his back.

He does not deserve him.

“Donghyuck, will you please tell us what happened?”

“I broke my phone.”

 

.

 

“Are we just going to pretend nothing happened?”

“Yes Jaehyun. That’s _exactly_ what we’re all going to do.”

 

Taeyong’s strict tone prevented him from saying anything. He was _hella_ angry but he couldn’t do a thing about it. His leader had spoken and he couldn’t risk any kind of rebellion. Not now, not when their youngest seemed so fragile and breakable. Moreover, NCT is a dictatorship, not a democracy. They made it very clear from the first day. And everyone was all right with it. Otherwise it would be anarchy. Without Taeyong, things would be so much more complicated. So he’ll do as he is told, because he is a good dongsaeng, and he didn’t want to be the one who’ll break their balance.

 

“Okay hyung. But I need you to know that I don’t like it.”

 

It didn’t mean he couldn’t give his opinion.

Taeyong sighed and stopped washing the dishes, turning the water off. He turned around to lean on the sink so he could face Jaehyun seated on a stool behind the counter.

Jaehyun never really realised how old his hyung could look when he was tired.

 

“Look Jaehyun. I know you’re worried about him. We all are, trust me. Even Jaedong hyung asked me about him yesterday. But we can’t force him to talk about it, it’ll only make things worse.”

“But it’s already been a week hyung. _A week_. That’s a huge amount of time for someone who feels bad.”

“I know Jaehyun, but he’ll talk to us when he’s ready to do so. Maybe it’s nothing! Maybe we’re all worrying over nothing, maybe…maybe he’s just been stressed out and he held it to himself for too long.”

“Stop lying to yourself hyung, it’s much more than that. It was a freaking panic attack hyung.”

“I know.”

“He looked terrified, something is terrifying him and nobody’s doing shit about it.”

“I know.”

“It’s serious. He’s _changed_ hyung. In a tiny _week_? Something bad happened.”

“I know.”

“Stop saying that you know it, it only makes things worse!” Jaehyun burst out, anger filling him entirely, taking control of his mind. “If you know everything so well hyung, then why don’t you do something about it? Why aren’t you trying to actually help him?”

 

He was on the verge of crying now. He had always been so emotional, he knew it very well, it was one of his qualities but also one of his biggest flaws. He somehow managed to control this part of him with the others, with his fans, but when he was with Taeyong, he felt like he didn’t need to maintain those frontiers he set inside of himself anymore. He wished it wouldn’t be such a bad thing for both of them though. He knew the look on his hyung’s face very well. Guilt. Incapacity. _Pity._

 

_God, he hated that._

 

When Donghyuck walked in the kitchen with puffy, sleepy, half-closed eyes and sat beside him without really acknowledging who was in the room, he quickly composed himself. His dongsaeng already had too many problems to deal with, no need to add his shitty mood swings to the lot.

 

“Hey guys.”

“Hey Donghyuckie. You okay?” He asked him like every morning. Just pretend _nothing fucking happened._

“Don’t know. I guess? But I’m like super hungry right now. Did you prepare something Taeyong hyung?”

“I di—”

“You know what Hyuckie?” Jaehyun cut him off, sending Taeyong a cold-death stare. “Our leader had much more important things to do than cook breakfast. He did absolutely _nothing_. Even if it was his turn to cook. He forgot about us. I guess he didn’t care enough. Like always.”

 

Why did this sound like Jaehyun was absolutely not talking about food? Probably because he wasn’t. And every word he spat onto his face just hurt Taeyong a little more.

 

“But don’t worry, because this hyung right here is going to take you to his favourite pancake restaurant.” He said, smiling softly to the younger.

“No way! Awesome!”

“And you haven’t heard the best part yet. Guess what? It’s on me today, you can order whatever you want.”

 

The huge smile appearing in his dongsaeng’s face compensated for the future gigantic hole in his bank account. It was worth it.

 

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

“You’re the best hyung!”

 

And just like that, Donghyuck was much more awake than he was a few minutes ago, already waiting for Jaehyun outside the flat.

Taeyong was genuinely happy that his two dongsaengs could find a brief moment of peace and quietly put the still warm breakfast he prepared into the fridge when they both left the flat.

 

.

 

“Why did you do this hyung?”

“Do what?” Jaehyun answered, his mouth still stuffed with pancakes, maple syrup sliding down his chin.

“Take me here.”

 

Jaehyun rested back against his chair and looked around him. This little dinner always brought back so many memories to him. His mom took him here several times when he was young, before he moved to America. She brought him here for his birthdays, her birthdays, for Halloween, for Christmas, even for the New Year. It was a very small place but well heated and very bright, and somehow the brown wooden tables made him feel relaxed. Sure, their pancakes were good, but as kid, he didn’t understand why she would keep bringing them here on every occasion. So he asked her one day. He was too young at the time to understand her answer, but he does now. _You’re always happy when we come here, my son._ He was happy because the pancakes were good. He was happy because it was nice, warm, and cosy. He was happy because the chef was a great man who always had a nice word for them. This diner was like his own island of peace.

 

But now he knows. He knows that he wasn’t happy because of the pancakes, nor the ambiance, nor the chef. He was happy because he was with his mother. He was happy because it was just the two of them, apart from the world for a moment. Away from his father for a moment. He was happy because his mother was happy. And his mother was happy because he was happy. Somehow, coming to this place would always left him with an impression of happiness.

 

It’s silly really.

 

But he wanted his friends to feel the same thing.

 

So he brought them here during their predebut days, when they were still trainees and when life was so hard for all of them, not knowing if they were going to debut the next day, or years after that if they were even going to debut at all. They always had a great time here, the same feeling he had with his mother bubbling in his chest. No one asked questions about it, about why he was so obsessed with this place. Ever. Until today.

And honestly, he didn’t know how to respond to Donghyuck.

 

This was what his mother must have felt when he asked her.

 

“I wanted to make you happy.”

 

Donghyuck backed off slightly. Because yeah, the only way to make him happy was with food. _Fatty Donghyuck._

 

“But also because I needed to. I wanted to spend some time with you and this place is so important to me, I wanted to share it with you once again. Maybe I hoped you’d be as happy as I am when I come here. It’s silly I know.” Jaehyun laughed awkwardly, looking away from his dongsaeng.

“No it’s not hyung. Don’t worry, I love coming here. I’m happy.”

“Why are you happy?”

“Because you are.”

 

And Jaehyun might have cried a river. Might have. If Donghyuck didn’t steal a piece of his pancake directly from his plate, rapidly stuffing it in his mouth, grinning mischievously.

 

“And because the pancakes are hella good.”

 

Jaehyun laughed for good this time.

 

“Brat.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I wanted to give a little glimpse of Jaehyun's personnality what do you think ? I think I'm going to do that with some of the members, I also wanted to distance the reader from Hyuck, like he's actually distancing himself from what happened to him, still not realizing it.


	6. Creaking beds and anniversary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Anna Luciel who is the beta reader of this story, she is kindly helping my french ass to write in english, she's a real queen.

Donghyuck looked around him, shifting around nervously, making the bed underneath him creak, breaking the awkward silence. Taeyong was smiling at him from the other side of the room, leaning against the wall, his arms crossed around his chest. At the end of the bed was Jaedong, a false reassuring smile plastered on his face. Donghyuck’s facial features tensed a bit before he focused his gaze on the doctor seated in front of him. That smile was everything but reassuring. It felt like a threat to him. Jaedong was mad because of him, and he couldn’t help feeling bad about it. No matter how many times him and Hyunjae were harsh towards him, they sometimes had a nice word for him and Donghyuck always felt like he could fly from happiness when he was complimented by one of them.

He knew he shouldn’t feel that way, but he wanted Jaedong to compliment him again.

 

Maybe he did something wrong again.

 

Maybe that’s why those piercing eyes were burning hole in his head, maybe he should have been more discreet.

 

Maybe he should have hidden his pain better than the way he had.

 

Maybe that was why Jaedong was being mean to him.

 

“So…” began the doctor—Choi Soorin, if you trusted her badge—“can you please remind me how you got hurt?” she asked, raising her eyes from the files she held in her hands.

 

“I fell while practicing actually, I tripped and I tried to stop my fall with my hands but I guess this one couldn’t support my body’s weight.” He said calmly, with a tiny smile on his lips as he looked at his plaster.

 

His story was trustable. Of course with how fat he was his wrist would break under his weight. He turned his head expectantly in Jaedong’s direction.

_Was he good enough this time?_

His hyung beamed at him fondly.

 

“Yes, I don’t even want to think about what would have happened if Taeyong didn’t notice it and if he didn’t warn me. This little rascal wasn’t telling anyone about it.”

 

He ruffled his hair, and Donghyuck felt good again. He chuckled, a warm sensation settling in his chest. He felt pride filling him, because Jaedong hyung was proud of him; he was doing a good job.

 

He was good enough.

 

But the doctor looked at him and somehow Donghyuck knew. He knew that she knew. Maybe it was from the way she slowly took off her glasses, maybe it was from the way she carefully leant closer to him, or maybe it was from the way her gaze lingered longer for it to be innocent on his waist where his shirt lifted a bit and a tiny wound could be seen.

A tiny wound that would remain unseen for most people, but certainly not for a doctor.

She sent a dark look to Taeyong and Jaedong and cleared her throat slightly before speaking with a firm voice.

 

“Would you please get out? I want to talk to my patient alone.”

“But we could stay, he has nothing to hide from us.”

“Get out please.” she said, sending a death glare to Donghyuck’s manager.

 

As soon as the door closed behind them, she softened and crossed her legs, putting a gentle hand on Donghyuck’s knee and fixing her gaze with his.

Her hand was warm and soft. Almost like Mark’s. It felt nice.

 

“Now, would you mind telling me how you actually broke your wrist?” Her voice no louder than a whisper.

“What do you mean, I just told you!” Laughed Donghyuck.

“And you got that by falling on the stairs I presume?” She said, pointing at his hip while raising an inquisitive eyebrow.

 

Donghyuck froze and his palms started to feel sweaty. _She knew._

 

“Well, I’m really clumsy you know?” He giggled nervously.

“Donghyuck-ah…” she sighed and took back her hand, breaking their exchange of expressions. “I’m not allowing you to leave right now, I think I need to do a complete check-up.”

 

 _A complete check-up?_ If Donghyuck wasn’t scared, he definitely was now.

 

“A complete check-up? Do you mean like… the whole body?” He asked, uneasy.

“Yes of course, you could be hurt somewhere else.”

“You don’t have the right to do that.”

“Oh, I don’t? And why is that? I’m your doctor Donghyuck, and I think you’re hurt.” She said firmly.

“But...” She then softened a little, afraid to scare the boy more than he already was.

“Are you afraid of what I’ll find out if I do this check-up?”

“Absolutely not.” He said with as much confidence as he could gather, but he knew it was useless.

“You can tell me you know. Who is it? Taeyong? Your manager?”

 

He just shook his head, closing his eyes to prevent the tears from falling.

 

“Donghyuck, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.”

 

 _I can’t be helped_.

 

“He only wants me to get better.” He said sheepishly.

 

As he was going to continue when he saw the encouraging look along with the tiny smile the sweet doctor gave him, a nurse burst into the room with a panicked face.

 

“Doctor please, we need you.”

“Not right now Soohyun.” She said, clearly annoyed.

“But this is an emergency, and Chanhyuk oppa is late.” She answered shyly.

 

Choi Soorin closed her eyes, put a strand of her short black hair behind her ear, and Donghyuck could almost _see_ the stress coming out of her pores.

 

“I swear I’m going to kill your brother.” She then looked back at him and patted his head awkwardly. “I’m going to be right back Donghyuck, don’t move. We’re going to talk about this and I’m going to take care of you, alright? Don’t move, ok? Don’t move, I’ll be back soon. I’ll be very quick I promise.” She sent him a final glance before storming out of the room, her shoes squeaking against the hospital floor as she ran to another patient.

 

She knew. And she is gone. But she’ll be back, to do a _full check-up_.

  


Doctor Choi rushed back—completely out of breath—to Donghyuck’s room, only to find it empty. She then noticed a little inscription on the nightstand. She quickly began to run again, her lungs burning from the lack of oxygen. She crashed against the reception counter, her brutality combined with her panicked face made the employees jump. But she couldn’t care less now.

 

“The patient, in room 127 when did he leave? Who with? Where is he living?” She said, desperately trying to catch her breath.

“Doctor are you alright—”

“I asked you a question!” She felt bad for being so harsh, but she would apologize later, the boy didn’t have their time.

“They didn’t leave any address I’m afraid, and he left about five minutes ago, with a young boy, the leader of his group I think, and their manager.” She said while she read the files.

 

Five minutes. If she was faster, if she was there five minutes earlier, she could have helped him. The boy surely had a driver to take him back to his dorm which was god-knows-where. She put her head in her hands as she walked away from the reception, small tears starting to form annoyingly in the corner of her eyes as the words written in black felt pen on the nightstand wouldn’t stop turning in her head.

She then saw her colleague arriving in the hospital with a huge smile on his face, closely followed by his little sister who whispered what seemed like what happened earlier, and Soorin saw red. She threw herself on her friend and choked him, shaking his whole body.

“I’m going to fucking kill you, you insufferable, incompetent swine!” She screamed.

 

His sister yelped beside them as Chanhyuk only rolled his eyes, unimpressed as he grumbled “What is it again, did I eat your chocolate cake or something like that? It was funny at first but I think I’m actually getting tired of being choked every morning. But maybe it’s one kink of yours? Just let me know babe, you just have to tell me.” he smirked playfully.

 

“Shut the fuck up! This is not funny this time, I- I fucked up badly Hyuk…” She said, her hands slowly falling to her sides and she couldn’t help but let the tears fall as her friend became serious and took her in his arms, gently stroking her hair, trying to cheer her up, knowing how hard it could be to lose a patient.

The truth is, students are formed to cure people, not to accept death.

Soohyun patted her arm and kissed her shoulder, but no matter how nice her friends were to her, she couldn’t help but think about those terrific words on the nightstand.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

.

 

Donghyuck didn’t think much about what happened with Jaedong. “the thing” he called it in front of the mirror when he’s trying to figure things out. He tried very hard not to think about it, not even for a second, but somehow, it was always stuck in his mind. He still felt his hands everywhere, constantly.

 

He feels him under his clothes, he feels him under his skin, he feels him in his head. This feeling follows him everywhere to the point he’s not feeling like himself anymore but like _something_ is living inside him.

It’s always there.

 

Like Jaedong.

 

He’s always here. Always. Acting like nothing happened even when they are all alone.

Pretending he didn’t kill a part of him.

He’s taking care of everyone more than ever, he’s being a true lifesaver for everyone else so Donghyuck thinks that it might be okay if he just let things go this way. It might be okay if his hyungs are alright and it might be okay if _the thing_ didn’t happen again.

 

Unless it did.

 

Maybe it was why he acted like nothing happened that day. Maybe that was why he didn’t say a word about it. To attack when it hurt the most. To wait until he let his guard down out of exhaustion by having to be careful every little second, doubting of everything, and everyone around him. To break him for good. To punch where it hurts, directly in the heart.

Today is so special to him. It really is. And he wanted it to be perfect. Because today is the anniversary. The only one that really matters. Not his, nor Mark’s, but theirs. They’ve dated for exactly a year now. And it was supposed to be wonderful. But things never went the right way with him right?

He’s such a failure anyway.

 

It’s been weeks since _the thing_ happened.

And not even a sign, a clue or anything from his manager that could hint about the truth. So when Jaedong called him back in the practice room because he needed to talk about some schedule problem, he didn’t pay attention. He thought it would be like every other time: a few deprecating remarks, maybe some beating, definitely a lot of yelling and that would be it.

 

Except it wasn’t.

He understood it right away. Do you want to know how? It’s because he was _nice_ to him. Disgustingly nice. Exactly like he was that day. Jaedong wasn’t nice to him. He barely complimented him and he surely wasn’t a _nice_ person. So he ran. But of course the door was locked.

He made a tiny forced laugh, the dramatic irony introducing a bitter déjà-vu.

 

What did he do wrong for it to happen once again?

Where did he go wrong?

Was it again because he wasn’t good enough?

 

Yes, that must be it.

 

He knew how useless his efforts were, but he still fought back. Because that was the only thing he was able to do. He fought back with all his might. He fought back even when he was down, when his head lolled to the side to see his reflection in the mirrors.

 

He is disgusting.

 

He should have told everything to that doctor who knew. Who somehow knew even if his closest friends didn’t seem to notice how much he suffered.

Maybe it’s because they weren’t really his friends. Maybe they bear him because they’re forced to live with him.

 

Maybe Hyunjae is right.

 

Maybe they just don’t care about him.

 

Maybe it’s the pain, maybe it’s the shock, but everything was blurred out starting from this particular moment. The only image that was crystal clear to him, was the man’s hands on his thighs. Groping them, digging his gross fingers into them. He hated that. He hated his thighs.

 

All of this is happening because of them.

 

He needed to get rid of them.

 

.

 

“Oh, you’re here Hyuckie! Mark is waiting for you in your room.” Doyoung said with a genuine smile, Johnny wiggling his eyebrows suggestively behind him.

 

He smiled back at him, and made his way to the room. Only think about Mark, only Mark, _Mark._

He opened the door and he immediately smelled candles, heard jazz music, felt the cosy atmosphere, and saw his too-wonderful-to-be-true boyfriend standing in front of him, smiling to him like he was the eighth wonder of the world.

It was so perfect.

But he still heard gross moans, still felt unwanted touch, still felt trapped. He managed to push those thoughts away and closed the door behind him.

 

He was so perfect.

 

Mark is so perfect.

He approached Donghyuck, slowly swinging to the music, and put him in an embrace, closing his strong arms around his waist. He made weirds faces at his dongsaeng breaking the awkward tension until he finally laughed, and he brought him closer, Donghyuck resting his head against his torso. They danced like that for a moment. None of them actually knew how much time they passed like that, no words needed. Ten, twenty, thirty minutes, maybe more, but they didn’t care, because they were with each other, and that in itself was perfect.

 

“Oh I almost forgot!” Mark kissed him sweetly and turned around, searching frankly for a glimpse of wrapping paper.

“Here, it’s for you.” He handed Donghyuck a rectangular shaped gift, wrapped clumsily with some gift wrap full of red hearts.

“You’re so sappy hyung.” Laughed Donghyuck and Mark slightly snorted.

 

It was a new phone.

“Since you broke yours last time, and you didn’t have the time to go and buy another one so…”

A phone.

_“What are you doing Jaedong hyung? Stop it!”_

“I hesitated a lot, after all it’s not a real gift…”

_“Do you really think you can give me orders?”_

A new phone.

“It’s more like, replacing something you need…”

_“Get off me you freak!”_

A new phone. Moving on.

“I didn’t know if it’d make you happy or not.”

_“Donghyuck-ah? Where are yo—”_

He threw the phone onto his bed, and wrapped his arms around Mark’s neck, kissing him savagely.

_Moving on, moving on, moving on._

He pushed him against the wall, heard the loud thump and the little noise of surprise escaping from his hyung’s throat.

 

“Wow I didn’t know you’d like it that much.”

 

**_“When will you ever learn?”_ **

He sucked his neck several times, leaving purple marks behind him.

 

“Shit. Donghyuck-ah wait a second.”

 

Mark, Mark, _Mark_ , he only wants to feel Mark. He wants to feel Mark’s perfect skin against his own rough one, he wants to fill his head with Mark’s scent, he wants to feel Mark’s tenderness and Mark’s love.

He needs it.

 

He tore his hyung’s shirt and let his hands travel all over him.

“Donghyuck listen to me.”

 

He lowers to belt-high and starts opening the man’s pants.

“SHIT DONGHYUCK STOP THAT NOW”

 

Mark’s scream brought him back to reality while he quickly realized what he’d done. Shame and guilt creeped into him, narrowing his mind and shutting his mouth more than ever. He lowered his head brought his legs against his torso, wrapping his arms around them. He was like him. He was like Jaedong. He assaulted Mark because he wasn’t even able to control his own emotions.

 

This was perfect, and he messed up everything.

 

Mark put a hand on both of his cheeks, cupping his face gently, kneeling in front of him.

 

“Babe what’s wrong? I thought you wanted to wait and now that? You need to tell me what’s going on.”

 

How lucky he had been to met him.

 

“I love you hyung.”

“I love you too, I love you so much, you know that. You can tell me anything.”

“Really?”

“Really, sweetheart.”

 

Mark hugged him, caressing his back gently with his fingers, planting random kisses on the top of his head. And suddenly, Donghyuck wanted to tell him. Everything. Something about Mark’s warm was oddly comforting and just made him want to spill everything out. The whole story, sparing no details.

 

But he couldn’t do that.

 

For so many reasons. But Mark, _perfect and loving_ Mark was here, waiting for an answer and Donghyuck didn’t know what to tell him.

After all, he doesn’t deserve him.

So he tells him the truth.

 

“I cheated on you. I know I said I wanted to wait, but someone else touched me. I broke your trust, I’m sorry.”

 

More or less.

 

Time froze for a moment. Mark’s arms stilled, his torso tensed up and his fingers stopped their sweet caress. The next second, he’s out of the room, leaving Donghyuck all alone in the dark.

 

And just like that, he made the last joyful part of him run away from his life. He expelled the love he was receiving. Now, he’ll be hated by all his hyungs. And he’ll be treated like he really deserves to be. Like garbage. Because that’s what he is. Garbage.

 

Mark was his last bit of hope. His last hope making him think that life is always worth living.

 

And now he was gone forever.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there's an akmu cameo.


	7. Brainstorming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A million thanks to Anna Luciel who beta read this story !

“I’m going to sleep in Doyoung’s room.”

 

The door closed, leaving a deafening silence behind it that invaded Donghyuck’s ears. That was it. He had finally done it. He got rid of all the love he didn’t deserve, he freed Mark from being paired to something as disgusting as him.

He did the right thing, but he never felt so alone.

 

Mark didn’t love him anymore.

 

He is free now.

 

Free to live for himself, and free to live without having to worry about hurting the ones he loves by hurting himself.

Because they don’t love him anymore anyway, they just won’t care now.

 

Nothing matters anymore.

 

“Hey Donghyuck. I’m gonna sleep here tonight. I kind of understood you and Mark had a bad fight. That’s pretty rare, what happened?” Jaehyun asked, dropping his pillow on Mark’s bed.

“He didn’t tell you?”

“No, of course not, why would he? It’s your life man.”

 

Okay, maybe he won’t get rid of it that easily.

.

Or maybe he will after all. It’s just a matter of time. Their break up changed the whole group’s dynamic, tension was always present, but nobody wanted to talk about it. They all knew something was wrong— _obviously_ —but they didn’t want to interfere, too afraid to make things worse than they already were. They didn’t even dare to ask how it all began. Somehow, they understood the fight started because of him. It was obvious to be honest. You could see it like nose in the face at how madly he was still in love with Mark and how the latter just ignored him.

 

Somehow, it was worse than anger. Much worse. He just wanted to feel hated by his hyung who once loved him, he wanted to feel that unlimited hatred directed towards him. He thought that if Mark hated him as much as he hated himself, everything would be easier for him. It would be easier to hate himself, it would be easier for him to hide his pain, it would be easier to resist the awfully loud and longing beats his heart made every single time he sees Mark’s arms, dying to be held into them. He wanted to avoid him at all costs, because he had already taken advantage of him, he had taken advantage of the love he didn’t deserve, and then he hurt him.

But it didn’t even feel like he was mad at him, it just felt like he didn’t exist anymore.

 

And maybe… maybe what he feels is going to become real in a few days.

 

Maybe that’s for the better.

 

Mark could live without Donghyuck, but Donghyuck couldn’t live without Mark.

 

Maybe he should do it now.

 

“Hey Donghyuck! How you doing buddy? You look a little pale are you alright?”

 

This man with his last three brain cells was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. Jesus.

 

“Oh, hello Donghwa hyung. Everything’s good, I’m just practicing a little bit without the others.”

“That’s great buddy, really great, but I think you need to slow down a bit. You lost a lot of weight lately and I’m worried about you.” He said sternly, crossing his arms and looking in his eyes.

“Don’t worry, I got it.”

 

He started to dance again but a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

What was it _again?_

 

“I know it’s not my business but…” he said, looking away with slight unease. “I’ve noticed that you and Mark…”

 

Shit. Even that monocelled-brain got it.

 

“Well, let’s just say that you’re not talking like you used to. Is everything alright?”

“You’re right hyung, it’s not your business.”

 

He laughed cheerfully to camouflage his embarrassment and tapped his back encouragingly.

 

“You’re right kiddo! Heart stories are always complicated. Ah...young love! But I want you to know Donghyuck, that if there’s anything, anything at all bothering you, you can talk to me about it.”

“I’ll do so hyung.”

 

_One day maybe, I’ll eventually tell you all my secrets._

_When I’ll be dead for example._

 

.

 

“You need to care a little less about him, and a little more about yourself.”

“Well you need to care a little more about him, and a little less about yourself _hyung_.” Spat Jaehyun angrily.

“I’m not having this conversation again.”

 

Jaehyun sighed aloud and sent an apologetic look at his leader. Nothing was alright lately and poor Taeyong had to deal with all this shit, he didn’t need to add his mood swings to his gigantic pile of problems.

 

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry hyung, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Don’t worry about it, now sit down with the others.” Said Taeyong, nodding his head in the direction that lead to the seat he was supposed to take on the couch between Johnny and Yuta.

 

Johnny put a supportive hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder, soothing his nerves.

 

“Well guys, I’m sorry if this feels very official but I needed to talk to all of you to clear up some points. You now must know that Donghyuck and Mark had a fight but no one knows why and I know it can be pressuring for everyone, and I know it affects the mood of the group, but I’ll ask you not to interfere. This is their problem and they’re going to solve it by themselves, pushing them will only make the situation worse. So please, do not do anything, I’m begging you.”

 

Their faces contorted with grimaces of discomfort. No one understood why the two youngest of 127, who seemed to be deeply in love less than a week ago, just stopped talking to each other so suddenly.

 

“It’s already been a week hyung, and they both look so sad. But have you seen Donghyuck? It seems like the boy is letting himself die, every day a little bit more than the last one.”

“I agree with Ten hyung, we have to do something, you keep saying that it’ll get worse if we interfere but how bad it’s going to be if we don’t do a thing about it?” Renjun said, worry invading him, his pitch getting slightly higher.

“Guys please listen—” Taeyong sighed.

“No, cut this bullshit right now. You’re going to listen to us! This is important hyung okay? It’s not about a changed schedule, nor about a hairstyle or whatever it is that we usually deal with. This is about the cohesion of our group.” Said Yuta angrily.

“This is about our friends, this is about the health of our friends hyung. This is about Mark who hasn’t smiled in a week. This is about Donghyuck who hasn’t talked to anyone and, for god knows which reason, is avoiding me like the plague! This is about Mark who looks like someone took his heart to crush it in tiny pieces. This is about Donghyuck who stopped eating and who seems to work and train every single minute of his pitiful life. He’s going to kill himself from exhaustion at this point, and you ask us not to do a thing about it? Have you gone mad hyung?” Spat Jaemin.

“We knew it was risky when they told us they were together, but we promised each other that we were going to protect them, and you were the first to do so. So what’s with the bullshit now?” Jaehyun said bitterly.

“Look, we need to talk about this calmly.”

“No, I’m sick of being calm! I’m sick of being calm when both of my friends are hurt!” Burst out Jeno.

 

Silence filled the room as Taeyong looked like he was going to have a seizure. Fifteen people in the same room were mad at him. If he was braver, he’d go to the SM building to resign from his leader position. But he couldn’t let them down that easily.

 

“Taeyong is right guys. Calm down a bit, we need to talk about this.” Said Taeil, who was laying down against the wall, his arms crossed.

“Are you kidding me right now?” Snapped Doyoung.

 

Taeil sent him a stern look that clearly said “no, I’m not joking moron.”

They breathed for a few seconds but they were all still tensed up.

Taeil always wondered how Taeyong was able to maintain his good work with how many members there were in this group. It must be exhausting.

 

But then he realized.

 

Taeyong wasn’t Taeyong when he was doing his leader job. Taeyong was a sweet man, always thinking with his heart before thinking with his head. But Taeyong was the leader, and if he wanted to take care of them, he needed to think with his head.

Taeil always admired him.

He was so sensitive but at the same time he managed to set his emotions aside for the sake of his friends. Without him, things would have fallen apart a long time ago and NCT wouldn’t even exist anymore. So yes, when Taeyong sent him a grateful look, he thought that calming down and discussing the matter wasn’t that big of a deal for them.

But it surely was for their leader.

 

“I know this is hard for you, but you need to think about the group too, we don’t need any more problems right now.” Taeyong said, looking at everyone in the eyes.

“And what he’s forgetting to tell you is that he asks you not to interfere probably because he already did. Am I wrong?” Taeil said, looking at the younger who now more than ever seemed older than him.

“Yes, yes I did. And I think the fight isn’t really the problem. Something is wrong with Donghyuck for a moment now, and I think it can be pretty serious and I need to find out what it is. But for that, I need you guys to stay back.”

 

They all were surprised and immediately felt the guilt invading them. They were sad, angry and helpless and they took out their frustration on their leader, misjudging him.

Like they always do.

 

“But why you didn’t tell us anything hyung?” Asked Kun.

“I didn’t want you to worry too much, everyone is already so stressed because of the comeback, it could have been too much to handle for you guys, don’t worry, I’m taking care of it.”

“Yeah sure, but who is taking care of you hyung?” Said Jaehyun bitterly, guilt trapping his whole body, preventing him to move.

 

Taeyong looked up to his dongsaeng and lump formed in his throat. It was so hard, and he was _so tired._ But he couldn’t be weak, he must take care of his friends.

 

“Don’t worry about me.”

“But we are hyung.” Jisung said sheepishly, playing with his fingers.

“You don’t have to do this alone, we can help, you need to stop smoulder us, we’re grown ups you know? I mean, most of us are.” Johnny laughed lightly, earning a light punch from Jisung on his arm, which made Chenle laugh out loud.

 

And as the atmosphere lightened, as laughs, chatting and the usual teasing filled the air, Taeyong felt like he wanted to cry. Because he was nothing more than a ball of frustration lately, because he hadn’t thought about anything but work and because he loved them so much. He pressured himself by instituting a dictatorship, taking the blame and responsibility for everything even if a democracy was in fact possible.

And it warmed his heart to no point, seeing his dongsaengs gather up to find a way to help their friends. He smiled when Jaehyun came to sit beside him to pass an arm around his shoulders, hugging him slightly.

 

He was so lucky.


	8. Sun and Moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is not enough words on this earth to express the gratefulness I have for Anna Luciel who is beta reading this story.
> 
> WARNING : for this chapter, mentions of rape, mentions of eating disorders, of underweight, of dark thoughts, of self-hate and of trust issues. 
> 
> Brace yourselves.

The grey sky over hung Donghyuck when he left the dormitory, heading without much conviction to their training room. The clouds were a perfect illustration of his mood and he would have laughed at such a coincidence if he was not so exhausted. The same day seemed to repeat over and over again. Nothing mattered, nothing was worth anything, nothing had any flavour.

 

Or was he the one who had lost the sense of taste?

 

Whatever the case may be, the conclusion is always the same. It's always about losing something. He lost his zest for life, his usual spirit, his personality, his will, his dignity, his virginity, and Mark. He could only blame himself, he was the one who deliberately chased him away.

But Donghyuck—sensitive Donghyuck—could not prevent this tiny part of himself from hoping that Mark would understand that nothing was going well, that he would love him enough to ask him for explanations or to insist on the matter, or for him to at least talk to him at all.

But presumably this will not be the case.

 

And he's right to do so

 

Mark is right to cast him aside.

He only got what he deserved.

He pushed the door of the training room. The faint musty smell, the freezing cold, and the memories he hated so much had become a real source of comfort for him. He lit the lamp carelessly, shuffling his feet to the switch.

 

The artificial light attacked his eyes, reflecting off the false floor, bouncing on the innumerable mirrors. His gaze fell on the nail marks he left when he struggled as hard as he could during the "thing".

 

Nobody noticed them.

 

Neither Taeyong hyung, nor Johnny hyung, nor Yuta hyung, nor Mark. Not even Donghwa hyung who spent most of his time in this room. Donghyuck ran his fingers over the tangible evidence of what seemed like a horrible nightmare, brushing them with his fingertips, the icy cold invading him in an instant. To be completely honest, he did not know if this cold was real or if it was only a mirage shaped by his mind to wrap it in the darkness a littlemore.

His darkness.

When in doubt, he turned on the heaters, the room slowly warming up to a comfortable temperature. But he was always so cold. His chest was frozen, trapping his heart that had once been so expressive, his legs were frozen making him stand desperately right in the middle of the room, his arms were frozen, unable to provide any affection to anyone, his head was frozen, all good sense having left his mind.

 

He could not think anymore. He did not want to think anymore. Will, motivation, passion, drive, love, trust. Words that a few weeks ago would have warmed his heart but now left him with a bitter taste in his mouth.

But he got up, breaking the fictitious shackles shaped by his injured and tortured mind, breaking the ice that kept him helpless. He started the music, and trained as hard as he could, as long, and as conscientiously as possible.

His gaze could not detach itself from his own reflection during the six hours he spent training. He took note of all his faults, rehearsing the words of Hyunjae noona and Jaedong hyung. His eyes landed on his thighs and an unhealthy drive suddenly grabbed him.

 

And if he made them disappear?

 

Jaedong hyung loves his thighs, he could simply deprive him. So maybe he would be less tempted…

 

His black hoodie was soaked with sweat, as were his joggings, when he stuffed his belongings into his gym bag. He might as well have slept there, as he had done for about two weeks, but Taeyong hyung's suspicions began to weigh on his consciousness and significantly increasing his anxiety.

The night welcomed him with open arms as he stepped out of the training room, the harsh and hard wind whisking across his face. He could not help worrying over and over again, and he did so much — to the extent where he did not even realize that his brain was no longer recording the thread of his thoughts, and words began to blossom from themselves.

 

"Grey. Virginity. Mark. The thing. Darkness. Jaedong. Cold. Heat."

 

He stopped to observe the stars and the moon, throwing his head back, unable to resist their call. All shone as they had always done until then, but the moon ... oh the moon.

The moon was making fun of him.

Resigned, he dug his head into his black sweatshirt that had grown to two sizes larger than when he had bought it -sarcastically emphasizing his new eating habits. He was floating in it now. It was ridiculous.

 

He was ridiculous.

 

And the moon knew it very well.

 

.

 

"You seriously thought you could continue this masquerade for a long time? For how long exactly?"

Donghyuck closed his eyes, his muscles tightening sensibly. He really did not need that now. He closed the door gently to avoid waking the others and put his keys in his trouser pocket. A single lamp dimly lighted the living room revealed Taeyong's stern face and the false, worried look of his manager.

He crashed on the couch without much conviction, getting ready to be lectured. It was annoying, sure, but it was clearly bearable compared to the heavy look that burned his skin without him even having to look up. He didn’t need to.

 

He _felt it_.

 

"Do you realize how irresponsible it is?"

 

Yes he was aware of it. He knew it perfectly well.

 

"Train all night, sleep an hour or two, train all day and start the same pattern forever? I do not even know if you eat Donghyuck-ah, and taking a look at you, it's clear that you’re not."

 

It was not fair, he just wanted to give the best of himself, he wanted to help NCT, he wanted to help his hyungs.

He wanted to shine before leaving.

 

"Look at me when I talk to you!"

 

His eyes rose on their own, responding to the direct order of his leader, without him being able to stop them. And now he had to face that look he wanted to avoid at all costs. But why did he not say anything? It was even worse.

His arms began to form a protective shield by wrapping around his own body.

 _His own body_.

He would have laughed if he still had the strength to.

 

He was ridiculous.

 

For weeks he had tried—in vain—to convince himself that he could overcome this, that it was still "his own body", but he could not even fool himself. And apparently, he could not fool the others anymore either.

He turned his head to the window to his left, watching attentively the black expanse dotted with stars interrupted at one point by a luminous sphere that offered a feeling of hope in the midst of this endless expanse. The moon sees a lot of things. But the moon is making fun of him.

 

Hope laughs at him.

 

The moon knows how desperate his case is, how tortured his mind is. Because the moon sees everything, the moon knows everything. The moon is witnessing his nocturnal walks, the moon is aware of his tears, the moon has listened to his cries and his pain, the moon has accompanied him during his insomnia. He told her everything.

And despite all that, the moon made fun of him.

Every evening she chases his sun and taunts him with her pure light. The light he can never have.

So whenever Donghyuck feels too weak to continue, whenever he wants to reveal everything to his hyungs, he remembers the moon. Because if the moon who has always been there for him behaves like that, how would his hyungs react?

 

_He is ridiculous._

 

"You'll end up killing yourself if you continue like that, Donghyuck-ah, is that really what you're looking for? "

_Yes._

"No hyung."

"Come with us, we have to check something.” Taeyong sighed, his face tense and his hands clasped on his elbows.

 

He followed them without fuss, his hyung walking fast in front of him and Jaedong standing behind him, preventing him from escaping. If there was one thing he had learned this year, it was that the less he resisted, the faster it ended.

Taeyong opened the bathroom door and waved him in, which he didn’t really understand why. Then Jaedong closed the door behind him. He locked it. What a funny déjà-déjà-vu.

 

"Take off your clothes."

"I beg your pardon?” Donghyuck replied, almost choking.

 

If he expected it from Jaedong? Yes, maybe a little. But from Taeyong? His hyung would never do that to him. Well... That's what he thought of Jaedong too, and his poor judgment got the better of him.

Maybe Taeyong hyung was the same kind of person.

Maybe he was an accomplice.

 

"I need you to undress to get on the scale Hyuck."

 

Tears came to his eyes. Not only he is unable to deal with himself, but he also accuses and suspects his hyungs, who only want his well-being and who have always cared for him. He had definitely lost his mind.

 

"I do not want to hyung.” He said weakly, glancing discreetly at his manager, who was wearing a triumphant look.

"Take it off now Haechan. Otherwise I will have to punish you. "

 

_So he finally decided to speak huh?_

No matter how prepared he was, his voice petrified all his muscles, a shiver rising up his back, wrapping around his spine like a climbing plant.

A climbing plant with thorns.

His limbs trembled without him being able to control them, his breath cut off and he had to practice looking at Taeyong, glancing back and forth until his restless conscience had calmed enough to let his eyes linger a little longer.

He seemed like he was about to crack, his arms dangling, his eyes hurt and the irresistible urge to take his dongsaeng in his arms biting his flesh.

 

"I'm sorry Donghyuckie, but you have to do it, you understand? It's for your own good. If I embarrass you I can go out if you want.” He said softly, his voice caressing his ears, bringing him the comfort that he no longer hoped to have, and that he did not deserve.

"No hyung, stay with me, please. "

 

The two friends stared at each other for an instant that seemed like an eternity, and as if Taeyong understood that for some reason it was too hard for him to undress himself, willingly, in this room at that moment, he took his younger brother in his arms as gently as possible. What he discovered to the touch did not please him. Donghyuck had undeniably lost weight.

 

But how much exactly?

 

He could not remember the last time he had seen him eat and his heart suddenly flooded with anxiety. The bits of information gathered by his arms wrapping around Donghyuck were rejected by his brain one after the other, his conscience refusing to believe them. Jaehyun was right.

 

_"Well you need to care a little more about him, and a little less about yourself hyung"_

 

How much did he fail? How much did he let the situation deteriorate?

His hands slid down his back, and stopped at the level of his pants. He closed his fingers around the fabric of his sweatshirt and lifted it, passing it over the younger man's head, who surprisingly showed no resistance. He just closed his eyes and relaxed his muscles being as docile as possible.

 

Why did Taeyong feel so horrible doing such a thing?

 

His heart was caught in a vice from which he could not free himself. A mixture of guilt and horror compressed his chest, temporarily preventing him from breathing. A lump formed in his throat, an acidic taste filling up his mouth.

 

"Continue Taeyong. It's an order."

 

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, placing a chaste kiss on the hair of his dongsaeng. It was for his own good.

 

But he still felt horrible.

 

His cold fingers, numb by the discomfort, slipped on the icy skin of the youngest, before grabbing the elastic of his jogging pants, and lower it without further ceremony.

 

"And his underwear?"

 

Donghyuck gave a squeak of discomfort right beside his ear and Taeyong frowned.

 

"I think that's more than enough Jaedong hyung.” He spat, a little more aggressively than he really wanted to.

 

He pushed the youngest slightly, leading him on the scale, a reassuring hand near his shoulder blades.

Donghyuck did not look at the numbers that gave him the odd feeling of being judged for a crime. He heard Taeyong hyung's short shocked inhale but did not listen to it. He felt the burning, terrifying look that pierced his thighs but he did not look at him.

 

Taeyong sat on the toilet, his legs suddenly too weak to support him. It was only from his new observation point that he could actually observe the body that was standing, shivering in front of him. Not only was his weight much lower than the one of a healthy teenager, but he also found marks on his body that he never suspected. Questions jostled, preventing him from thinking calmly. Had he made those bruises alone? Are they self-inflicted? Someone had inflicted them on him?

The horror released him and he regained his senses, able to move again of his own free will. His dongsaeng was trembling, almost naked, exposed in front of two adults older than him, he had been training all night, his weight had just been revealed, and he had goosebumps.

He must have been exhausted, terrified, maybe betrayed but he must above all be _cold_.

 

_"Well you need to care a little more about him, and a little less about yourself hyung"_

 

Taeyong stood up hurriedly, knocking Doyoung's bottles of shampoo and hair conditioner out of the way, and wringing his ankle slightly. When he dressed Donghyuck back, carefully pulling on his sweatshirt and pants, he tried to convince himself that he was simply in pain.

 

He tried to convince himself that his ankle was burning with pain. When he took him in his arms again, rubbing him as hard as he could to warm him, he tried to convince himself that it was because of this unbearable physical pain that tears flowed silently down his cheeks.

But he always had a hard time lying to himself.

 

"Hyung is sorry. Hyung is really sorry Hyuckie.” He squeezed harder, but recovered quickly, afraid to hurt him.

"Why did you do this Hyuckie? Is it because of Mark?” His own voice sounding like a stranger to his ears, Taeyong recoiled his head to put a hand on Donghyuck's cheek, searching his face with his eyes.

 

Frustrated at receiving no answer other than an inexpressive look, he snuggled the youngest again against his chest, trying in a naive effort to bring him a semblance of comfort. The situation was far beyond him, he could not do anything about it, he was neither a doctor nor a psychologist. And even less a policeman.

 

_Did he actually need to call the police?_

 

He then turned to his manager, it is for these cases that he is trained.

 

He will know what to do.

 

"Hyung ..." The words died on the tip of his tongue, tears having an effect much more important than he had thought on his throat and his vocal cords.

"Go to bed Taeyong. You're exhausted and that's normal. I'll take care of it, and I'll take care of him. "

 

Donghyuck noted the brief recoil of his hyung, before his grip closed one last time around him, a last caress crossing his hair.

 _Heat_.

 

"Hyung loves you very much Donghyuck, take care of yourself please.” Taeyong whispered in a broken voice in his ear. He pulled away from him, leaving him alone in the cold again.

"Take care of him hyung, I beg you. "

"Don’t worry, go to sleep now. "

 

Then he left the room, the sound of the door ringing his condemnation, his heat having fled with him.

Donghyuck saw Jaedong approaching, but he did not look at him. He inhaled his perfume but he did not smell it. He tasted his skin but did not savour it. He heard his moans but did not listen to them. He perceived his skin but did not caress him.

 

He just turned his head towards the window.

 

His tears reflecting the light of the full moon.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to sun&moon while writing this, because we all know this is the superior song.
> 
> Did I already mentioned how amazing Anna is ? because she's a real goddess, you have to stan her.


	9. Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't express how grateful I am for the existence of Anna who is so kindly beta reading this story.

The next day, he made sure no one saw the new marks on his body. He made sure his limbs were moving as smoothly and accurately as possible. He also made sure to replace his mouth with the one that was once his, and replace his eyes with a happy and innocent replica.

 

_Liar._

 

He felt the looks on him when he rushed into the kitchen to catch a pancake prepared by Jaehyun.

 

Taeyong had to talk to them about it.

_Stupid leader._

 

He didn’t understand that he didn’t want to lose weight, but he needed too, it was the only way he had found to survive, the only way to keep Jaedong away.

 

But it doesn’t matter anymore now.

 

He answered his half-astonished half-delighted gaze by an immense smile, before swallowing the pancake, under the eyes of the entire group, leaving some gaping at him.

 

But not the one he wanted.

 

Mark was reading the newspaper, sitting between the sofa's armrest and Doyoung. He had never been so beautiful than at this moment.

 

He was definitely better off without him to rot his life.

 

He couldn’t help but to notice the way his eyes shifted sheepishly towards him from time to time, glancing at him almost guiltily. The cute frown usually characterizing his anguish as well as his torments was now fixed on Mark’s face for more than two weeks emphasizing whatever he dwelt on.  

His heart ached whenever his eyes laid on his raven hair, on his avoiding eyes, on his pale hollowed cheeks, on his tightly shut lips and on his wonderfully comfortable arms. He was forced to stay away from him, and Mark did everything he could to avoid him.

Donghyuck wanted to think that it was because of him, he wanted to think that the reason Mark was suffering was that he actually missed him and that he hurt him with his revelation.

 

But that was so twisted. And mostly impossible.

 

Donghyuck had the impression of living in a greenhouse for a few days. He was surrounded by pretty flowers, fragile but so strong at the same time, but he, oh… he was not an ordinary flower. Oh yes sure, he smelled good, he had bright colors, an attractive facade, but he was an aconit.

 

A poison.

 

But today, Donghyuck had once again decided to be a flower, he had decided to use his mouth and his replacement eyes to make his hyungs happy.

He wanted to pretend.

 

One last time.

So when Johnny patted him on the back, he pulled out his tongue. When he sat down on the floor next to Jisung who was playing video games with Chenle, he pushed Jisung so that he’d lose, earning Chenle's dolphin laugh as well as a hug, and a punch on his arm from Jisung. He made an outraged grimace and pretended to be in pain.

 

Oh _that_ was easy.

.

 

Hang himself? Hmm, no. Way too painful.

Sleeping pills? Impossible to procure, he was followed by at least twenty staff members.

Carbon monoxide? The others would immediately spot the smell.

Open his veins? Lord, he had not become _that_ dramatic.

 

"I got you hyung!” Donghyuck shouted before running into the training room, laughing loudly, Yuta chasing him.

 

Taeyong laughed softly and his muscles relaxed as he watched the argument—that was not a real one—a crooked smile hanging on his lips. Jaehyun put his head on his shoulder and he took the time to observe all his comrades.

 

Everyone was smiling.

 

It was silly, but that was enough to warm the leader's heart. The last few weeks had been so difficult and he felt so helpless.

They were far from over, that's for sure, Donghyuck still had a worrisome weight— _but he ate three pancakes this morning—_ he and Mark were still cold to each other but things could only get better.

But he still wondered why all of this happened, he wondered helplessly about what made the boy feel so bad, and _how_ he got all those bruises.

 

But then, Donghyuck _laughed_.

 

It had been weeks since he had seen the youngest sketch a shadow of a smile upon his face, but there he was, playing and laughing with the others, teasing them like he used to before. It might be silly, but it was enough to find hope, enough for him to say without lying to himself, that the situation would eventually work out.

 

He did not know what Jaedong hyung told him when he came out of the bathroom, but it seemed to be effective. He could not help thinking how lucky they were to have him for manager, he was always there for them. Many managers had completely given up at the mere sight of their group and some of the... disruptive members.

 

But not Jaedong hyung.

 

_He would probably never thank him enough._

 

Because Donghyuck was laughing.

 

Everything would be fine now.

 

"Stop bothering your hyungs, Hyuckie-ah.” The leader cheered, discredited by the glow of amusement in his voice.

"Yes hyung!” Donghyuck said, smiling, before turning to flick Johnny on the forehead.

 

Taeyong shook his head slightly, a soft laugh escaping from his throat.

Yes, everything would get better.

 

.

 

A nice fall maybe then? It was fast and efficient.

 

Donghyuck smiled even wider.

 

.

 

Donghyuck looked at his watch before knocking on Jisung's door.

The day was quite full, he had to be efficient.

 

"Jisungie, it's me. Can hyung enter?” He said in a honeyed voice.

"Yah, since when do you knock on doors?"

 

Brat.

He entered the room lit only by a computer screen and sat next to Jisung on his bed, not forgetting to hit the back of his head on his way.

 

"Speak well to your hyungs Jisung-ah. "

 

He took a joystick and played with him for a moment, in total silence. It had been so long since he had not spent a little time with him, and he blamed himself.

Terribly.

 

Things weren’t always easy for them. And it was mostly because of him if he was being honest. He was a petty kid back then, the overbearing industry crushing into him as he was just a kid and he struggled to balance his life. And when Jisung came, he felt threatened, and _jealous._

 

The sad thing with jealousy, is that the word designating something as destroying was way too pretty.

 

Jisung was so talented, so cute, so _young_.

Donghyuck wasn’t the maknae anymore, and he felt left out, because if he wasn’t the maknae, he was just mundane.

It’s not like he was good at singing anyway.

He was not the maknae anymore, so Mark did not need to take care of him.

 

And he left him out too.

 

Donghyuck made sure Jisung paid for what he did to him by being horribly mean to him, as mean as child can be—which is surprisingly a lot—but as he grew up, he realized how he had behaved towards his dongsaeng, and how _stupid_ he had been, regret choking him for months.

And even if Jisung said that it was okay, it wasn’t.

 

Because Donghyuck was so, so _stupid._

 

"If you're looking for Chenle, he left with Renjun and Jeno a little earlier."

"It was you I wanted to see Jisung-ah."

 

If the youngest had been surprised, he showed nothing, not allowing himself to be destabilized for a moment.

Donghyuck had prepared what he would tell him for days, but when he turned his head to look at the face of his dongsaeng, his words cowered in the back of his throat. He was a horrible hyung.

 

But he was so tired.

 

He turned his head back to the screen because somehow it was much easier than facing his friend's eyes.

 

"Jisung-ah, hyung came to talk a little with you about how I’ve behaved towards you in recent years. Hyung has been bad, petty, a pain in the ass, and I know it very well. Jisungie, I want you to know that none of this is your fault. I would like you to take hyung as an example, to be the exact opposite of what I have been to you. Because you'll have a lot of dongsaengs someday Jisung-ah, you need to be careful, because you've gone through the hardships they'll go through, and you know what it's like. You need to be strong for them, you need to take care of them, you need to do better than I did. Be a good man Jisung-ah, hyung believes in you."

 

Jisung had paused the game for a while, but neither of them had deviated their looks from the screen. He cleared his throat a bit before turning his head to his hyung. His heart rate was noticeably faster and an invisible force grabbed his chest and compressed it until he could hardly take a breathe.

 

"Why are you telling me all this hyung?” He whispered, as if the very fact of asking this question implied a truth too intimate to be unveiled aloud.

 

Donghyuck just smiled bitterly, a grimace distorted his features, then stroked his dongsaeng's head energetically before telling him in an overly cheerful voice, "He's always been so intelligent our Jisungie.” A smile—unveiling his perfectly aligned teeth—fixed on his face.

 

A smile so false that it scared the youngest, who froze on the spot.

 

Donghyuck stood up, dusted his clothes lightly, and walked out of the room and said, before closing the door, "If you see Chenle, tell him that hyung is sorry."

 

Jisung felt his eyes sting, his chest squeeze, his air leave him and his throat burn, and he was suddenly so hurt.

 

Donghyuck had apologized.

 

Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong.

He had to get up, run and catch up to him, but Jisung was paralyzed. Searing sobs tore from his throat without him being able to stop them. He completely lost the notion of time, his vision was troubled, his nose was clogged with snot, his mouth was dry from sobbing too much, his fingers desperately pressed his chest in a thin hope of alleviating the pain.

 

Burn.

Everything burnt.

No matter how hard he tried to focus, this insufferable burning feeling enclosed him in a dreadful hold.

 

"Jisung-ah, can you hear me? Jisung-ah what's happening to you?"

 

He detected Chenle's panicked face through his tears, barely acknowledging it which made him scream even louder. He wasn’t even supposed to be here, he was supposed to spend the day with his parents. But he was _here,_ he was worried because of _him_.

 

"Chenle ... Dong-Donghyuck hyung. Find Donghyuck hyung.” He murmured on the edge of fainting.

 

But Chenle did not leave, he just took his head in his arms and held him against his chest, cradling him from right to left while singing a lullaby.

 

But his ears ... his ears heard only one thing.

 

_"Hyung is sorry. "_

 

_._

 

The next one was going to be much more difficult.

It had been weeks.

 

Hopefully he will continue to ignore him.

 

He opened the door and waited for the other to notice. The way his face tensed up as soon as he saw him bludgeoned him the coup de grâce.

He straightened himself sat more rigidly on his bed, leaning against the wall, knees raised and his face hard. He made no gesture to remove his headphones.

 

It didn’t matter. Donghyuck would tell him.

 

Whether he listens to him or not.

 

"Hyung, I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. It sounds extremely sappy but I do not know how to express differently what I feel for you. I don’t even know what love really is.

But it always scared me. It has always scared me, because with these feelings, I feel like I'm losing myself, like _I'm_ out of control.

“With these feelings, I belong to you entirely, and it's terrifying, because I do not want to be so dependent on a person, it automatically gives him the power to destroy me in the blink of an eye.

But over time hyung, I realized that if this person was you, then it was not so bad. Because you would never destroy me hyung.

“I'm sorry for everything hyung, for letting someone else touch me, for breaking everything we had, for destroying you. I have never deserved to have such power over you, it is only fair that it’s removed from me."

 

Donghyuck slipped out of the room and whispered at the last moment, a soft smile on his lips. "Black hair suits you perfectly Mark hyung."

Leaving behind him a wet-eyed Mark Lee, with a heart beating a little too fast and a breathing a little too jerky for his own taste, his solitary headphones not connected to any device.

 

.

The others were no longer there. They either had activities or they were training; he was supposed to do so as well, but he had decided to give himself a day off.

It was not a big deal.

A shame yes, but not serious.

He had planned everything.

He put his 17 gift packages in front of the doors and filled his nose one last time with the mixed smell of the 17 boys who mattered more to him than the whole world, his heart clenching at the memories he shared with them.

 

Then he went out, the cold of the night welcoming him like an old friend.

 

.

 

"All I'm saying is that it gives you a dumb face."

"Oh my- are you joking? I hope so. Have you looked at yourself for two minutes Winwin hyung? It looks like you have three brain cells, every time I see your parents they apologize for your birth. Ask yourself the right questions, dear brother." Renjun replied without even raising his head from his phone.

Everyone exploded in laughing even Taeyong who at least had the decency to look guilty right after it.

They were all sweaty, stinky, and far too tired to maintain a somewhat normal conversation, and it had been twenty minutes since Renjun, Ten and Jaemin mercilessly destroyed anyone who dared to disturb them.

"Hyung, hyung! It's ... crying ... gifts ... Donghyuck ... fast! "

 

Chenle appeared in front of them breathless, his hair in battle and his eyes wide open sweeping the faces of his hyungs at a frantic speed as silence fell on the room.

 

"Chenle, can you tell me that again? What is happening?” Taeyong said softly but firmly, putting his hands on his shoulders.

"Hyung quickly, come on. "

 

The language barrier had never seemed so huge to them than at this moment. Chenle continued to produce meager sounds of frustration as he tried in vain to explain the situation while leading them to Jisung's room.

 

They all heard him before they even saw him. They exchanged worried glances as Taeyong tried desperately to mentally prepare himself for what was to follow. This time it was really serious. The screams that tore the silence of the corridor, bouncing against the walls and piercing their hearts could not say otherwise.

 

When Chenle opened the door to rush to the side of his friend who seemed unable to calm down, Taeyong wanted to follow him but he walked inconveniently on a small box that had been carefully packaged. He bent down to pick it up and gave it to Jaehyun, not sparing it a second glance.

 

Taeyong had known Jisung for years. He had known him while he was still a child, he had taken care of Jisung as he would have liked someone to take care of him. He had already seen him cry. Several times. Jisung had always been very emotional. He always had the bad habit of locking up his feelings, letting them accumulate until he finally exploded. And Taeyong was always the one who took care of him at those times. He knew very well how Jisung was functioning.

He knew very well what he had to do.

 

But it crushed his heart a little more every time.

 

His hand whipped through the air before his friends could stop him, the snapping of his palm against Jisung's skin resonating in the room and replacing his tears.

 

"Hyung, are you mad? What's the matter with you? Get out of here, go away, go away!” Chenle shouted, his little hands clutching Taeyong's shoulders, shaking him with all the strength he could manage to find.

 

To be forced to see Chenle suffer, to see him devoured by his frustration and pain, his misunderstanding and even worse, to participate in it, was even harder. But it was inevitable.

 

"Jisung, get back to us right now! Listen to me, and I want a clear answer. What happened?” He said in the most severe voice he could produce.

 

Jisung, who had stopped crying as soon as he had been slapped, began to breathe more slowly through his mouth, his eyes focused on the sheets underneath him.

 

"Donghyuck hyung apologized to me hyung. And I got scared.” He muttered shamefully.

"You were scared? What do you mean? Donghyuck was violent with you? Did he threaten you? You can tell everything to hyung, you know that?” Taeyong explained, his brows furrowing as he questioned.

"Not at all hyung, on the contrary, I believe that ... I believe that—"

This was the moment Mark chose to tumble into the small room already welcoming too many people. His whole body was tense and Taeyong closed his eyes, feeling trouble coming.

He was not ready to endure that.

 

"Hyung, you have to find Donghyuck, I think it's serious. "

"Hyung you have to do this, hyung you have to do that, _I think it's serious._ Does anyone here have any tangible information that can allow us to find Donghyuck or do we all stay there and wait until he dies at the corner of a random street?"

 

Too much, _too much_ , it was too much. His ears buzzed, his own voice came to him modified, not even remembering to have said those words. His vision was troubled, a black veil masking his eyes, a vertigo grabbing his senses when he tried to get up.

 

"Hyung calm down."

 

Jaehyun. Always Jaehyun.

He was right, it was definitely the worst time to let them down. But Jaehyun was there with him, he could rest a little on him.

So that's what he did.

He transferred some of his feverish weight to Jaehyun's side, the latter gripping his waist with a sturdy arm.

 

"Did you find something?"

 

Taeyong came out of his torpor as he heard the question above his ear and looked up to see Doyoung, Kun and Yuta enter the room.

 

When had they even disappeared?

 

"There were small gift packages in front of everyone's doors but other than that there was nothing else.” Doyoung answered quickly, his jaw clenched.

 

"But what is he bloody doing? He cracked and went back to Jeju?” Taeil asked, more for himself than for the others.

 

"No hyung. No, I do not think so.” Mark answered, staring into space, arms hanging on either side of his body, helplessly.

 

"Open them.” Johnny ordered.

 

There was no letter, no word.

 

"Oh, I wanted it for weeks!” Jaemin exclaimed as he watched the excessively expensive polo freshly unpacked.

 

This was the case for everyone. Everyone had received a present they had long coveted.

 

"It's really not a good sign, right?” Renjun asked in a shaking voice as he squeezed his new box of jasmine tea.

 

Taeyong closed his eyes and his breathing quickened. His voice trapped deep in his throat and he was unable to produce a coherent answer.

No. No it was not a good sign.

His brain made all sorts of assumptions and none of them was satisfying.

 

"Do you guys also have ..." Jeno did not finish his sentence.

 

It was not necessary anyway. They had all understood.

 

The maths, basically, was really not _that_ complicated.

 

Donghyuck had been bad for weeks, nobody did anything.

He broke up with Mark, nobody did anything.

He no longer ate properly, practiced excessively, changed, no longer smiled, avoided their presence to the fullest, everybody noticed, but nobody did anything.

And suddenly he was happy again?

Suddenly everything was better in the best of all worlds?

Suddenly they all received gifts, suddenly Donghyuck apologized?

Suddenly, Donghyuck disappeared?

 

The maths was really not that complicated.

 

Even the foreigners who were a little lost at the situation did the math. Everyone assembled 1 + 1 and all of them cursed for not having understood before what the result was, despite the simplicity of the calculation.

Some burst into tears, others tried to hold on to something, a wall, a table, anything to keep them standing. Others did not have this strength and found themselves on the ground, their heads in their hands, their eyes wide as reality hit them hard.

 

Around them were drawings. Heaps of leaves were carefully packed at the bottom of their packages. Thousands of drawings of a disturbing quality represented moments they had lived together, happy moments, others, darker ones, were more abstract and a deep feeling of uneasiness invaded them when they saw them.

No, Donghyuck had not left words nor letters, he had left much more than that.

He left memories, his memories. His vision of life, his vision of the moments he had spent in their presence, his vision of those moments he cherished.

 

A stifled sob made them reconnect with reality and all eyes turned to his author. Mark's hands shook, paper slipping from his hands and screams escaped from his chest, echoing in the deafening silence.

 

Scores.

 

Tons and tons of scores, all scribbled, annotated, carefully crafted by Donghyuck's hand. And a drawing.

 

Only one.

 

"Where could he go? If you wanted, I mean... where would you go?” Taeil asked hurriedly.

"The training room?"

"The bathroom?"

"The studio?"

"The building’s roof?"

 

The number of proposals that flourished around the room panicked the leader.

They all responded _so quickly_.

 

"Donghyuck loves the night. He always told me that he loved the moon.” Jaemin said weakly, staring stubbornly at the floor.

"Everyone on the roof.” Yuta concluded.

 

.

It's fascinating. The way our brain reacts to situations of intense stress is really fascinating. We are here without really being here. It sends us simple, clear, precise orders.

 

"Walk,"

"Run,"

"To the front,"

"Climb,"

"The door.”

 

It's that simple.

It's definitely not like they want to make us believe. Life is constantly romanticized, and everyone likes to add their part to the myth.

When we run to save a life, we do not take the time to think about our own life and our small business. When we run to save the life of our friend, we do not clutter a retrospective of our first diapers.

 

We run. That's it.

 

We run until the life is saved, and until then, we obediently submit to the orders given by our brain.

 

"To the left"

"To the right"

"Run.”

 

We do not worry about the fact that our vision is getting smaller. We do not worry about the fact that the world around us seems to be totally unclear. We do not worry about the fact that our heart seems about to explode.

 

We run.

 

.

The wind lifted his hair and reminded him of the way Taeyong rubbed them when he memorized the choreography before everyone else, it reminded him of the way Mark passed his fingers through his hairy mess without really thinking about it, the tips of his fingers grazing his skull gently.

 

The light of the stars reminded him of the spotlights of the stage and the lightsticks of the fans. It reminded him of the whole evening he spent talking and laughing with Renjun Jeno and Jaemin, only lit by a flashlight in the den they had built with their sheets.

The incessant noise of the city, with its cars, its music, its conversations and its arguments reminded him of all the times he had teased his hyungs.

And whenever he did, Donghyuck felt loved, because his hyungs never resented him.

 

The darkness of the sky reminded him of Mark's hair. Mark's hair the first and the last time they saw each other. He loved his hair. It was stupid, but his hair was the only thing he acknowledged when Mark first embraced him. It was not his arms around his waist and back, nor his fingers caressing him awkwardly, nor his lips that had innocently settled in his neck, no, it was his hair. His hair in which he had buried his nose, remembering as if it was yesterday; the day he had smelled his perfume. It had bewitched him.

After that, he could not help but wait more than one second to return back to Mark, irresistibly attracted.

 

The cold reminded him of how Jaedong touched him.

The cold always reminded him of Jaedong. Donghyuck hated the cold.

Haechan. Full Sun.

 

The sun was facing the moon that night, but he was far too weak to resist her once again.

 

.

 

We think of the consequences that our failure could engender. We think about the life that we could lose, but above all we think, very selfishly, about what our life might be after the other one is definitely extinct.

 

We think about it. But only for a moment.

We think about it and then we immediately drive away this idea, which is far too complicated to accept, because we are unable to bear it because it has never seemed as real as it is now.

It is hunted even before we can draw conclusions that could finish us off.

 

And then we run faster.

Winter had always been so melancholic. But he loved it.

He who had enjoyed the sun all his life, snow and ice had a charm he could not explain.

Then he raised his arms on each side of his body and let himself be carried by the wind, emptying his head to enjoy peacefully his last moments.

 

.

 

"Johnny hyung, faster!” Sicheng squealed.

 

They were all huddled behind Johnny who was desperately trying to open the door leading to the roof, which was blocked by an object on the other side.

Those on the front line helped him, and the crate of wood wedged between the handle and the concrete floor broke, his creak disgustingly similar to the sound of broken bones.

They climbed the last steps and arrived panicked and panting on the moonlit roof, the icy wind scratching their faces.

 

.

The sweet smell of sugar filling his nostrils made him smile sincerely for the first time in a long time.

He was happy one last time.

.

 

_"Shit, he's not here."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year everyone!! I hope you and your loved ones will stay healthy and happy for a very long time ;))


	10. Fall

"Does anyone have the least fucking idea of where he can be!” Yelled Yuta, as hard as his lungs would allow him to.

 

An icy wind passed through them all.

 

"Can someone explain to me what's going on here?” A stern voice said.

"Jaedong hyung! You’ve come at the ri—" Began Chenle energetically.

"Nothing Hyung, we just went to ... get some air.” Jaehyun cut him off, casting a deterrent look at Chenle.

Their manager threw his cigarette on the ground, crushing it with his shoe, then raised his eyebrows exaggeratedly. But he did not persist. He just laughed loudly and put his hands in his pockets.

 

"If you have finished breathing in your polluted air, you should go home, it's cold tonight.” He said nodding at them, his advice sounding more like an order.

"Right away hyung.” Jaehyun replied, gritting his teeth.

Jaehyun knew that Donghyuck had been hurt. Deeply. Probably by someone he trusted. Probably repeatedly. This was the only plausible explanation for this whole situation.

This person had done enough to get him to break up with Mark, to stop him from eating, to stop him from living and to think about ending his own life.

Only someone close to him could have had such an effect on him; the group members excluded—they could not start to doubt each other, and none of them were capable of doing such a thing—so the list was rather limited.

 

When Jaehyun left the roof, running down the stairs, he thought that the mathematics was not really that complicated.

Nobody noticed the vicious smile of their manager, nobody paid attention to the door of the roof that had just closed.

And no one had seen their young dongsaeng, curled up on herself, her head in her hands, lurking in a reclusive corner. Her white dress stained with shame and pain was torn in places, her bare, dirty feet lit by the moon.

 

.

Donghyuck did not hesitate any longer before sending his text and, without trembling, he stretched his arm out in front of him, above the void. His fingers that were clenched tightly around his phone opened slowly, eventually letting the device fall several meters.

He watched Mark's gift break into several pieces, evaluating the distance.

 

In a few moments, when he will have the courage, he will take its place.

 

.

 

"It's not true, it's not true, it's not true.” Jungwoo repeated like a mantra.

 

Half of them cried in the middle of the street, the other half too shocked to react, all hope having left their minds.

 

Hope makes men mad. It makes them glimpse goals inaccessible and it removes their fantasy at the last moment, when it hurts the most. At the moment when you almost have the impression of touching it with your fingertips.

 

Everyone tried to find comfort in others, Jaemin Jeno and Renjun were huddled against each other, sitting on the ground and leaning against the cold wall of their building. Johnny had wrapped Chenle and Jisung in his arms, Ten crying silently, his head on his shoulder and his hands blindly stroking Jisung's hair. Lucas was trying to support Kun and Jungwoo, both of them crying violently while he himself could not stand up. Sicheng hid his head against Yuta's chest, who brought him close to him with one hand behind his head, while joining Taeil to their embrace with his other arm. Doyoung was sobbing loudly, curled up on himself, asking questions that did not seem to make sense.

 

_Why?_

 

Doyoung always made sure to take care of the youngers, because he knows how hard it is to be a teenager. He, himself, had his own battle with depression when he was younger, and he couldn’t bear to imagine his dongsaengs facing the same hardships. He wanted to help them so badly, but...

He seemed to get so much better, why so suddenly?

 

Taeyong held his hand firmly and seemed to be on the verge of cracking too, his eyes reflecting the misery of his friends.

And Mark.

Mark was standing apart, staring blankly, no emotion legible on his face.

 

_Broken_.

 

His cell phone vibrated and he took it out of his pocket, lighting up the dark street with its faint blue light.

  


Dongsookie : 

Do you know what terminal lucidity is hyung? _1:26 am_

I love coming here. I’m happy. _1:26 am_

Thank you for everything Jaehyun hyung. _1:27am_

 

 

Hope makes men mad, but it also allows them to live.

 

While he was running, Jaehyun saw again Donghyuck steal his pancakes.

While he was losing his breath, Jaehyun could see Donghyuck's bright smile, his eyes glistening with admiration as he told him what parties were like in the United States.

While his lungs were burning, he could see Donghyuck grimacing at him, maple syrup still in the corner of his mouth as they had been out of the restaurant for over twenty minutes.

 

When he saw Donghyuck's phone exploded into pieces on gray concrete, he saw Donghyuck crawling back into his bed and playing DS with him until the early hours of the morning. He saw them laughing under the quilt, he saw them being bawled at by Taeyong, which only had the effect of leaving them in an another fit of laughter.

  


And Jaehyun refused to raise his head to the roof.

 

.

 

Three ... two ... one ... Three ... two ... one ... Three ... two ... one ... Three… two ... ONE

 

Tears ran down his cheeks and he wiped them quickly with an angry hand. He wanted to do it. He wanted it so much. For weeks it was the only thing on his mind, he had planned it and the timing was paramount; the perfect suicide.

So why wasn’t he on the ground, his cranium crushed like his cell phone was just a few minutes ago?

A sinister laugh escaped his throat as his eyes landed on the moon in front of him.

Until the end.

Until the very end.

 

Donghyuck was incapable.

 

.

 

"Donghyuck-ah ..."

 

All froze when the thin figure before them flickered slightly. His back was facing them, they were all exhausted, pushed to the maximum of their physical abilities after having ran for so long, but they quickly forgot their fatigue. The situation was far from over, the hardest was yet to come. They cast uncertain glances at each other, not knowing who had to act, and how they should act, being too afraid to say a word, to make a gesture that could make a definite reality of their fears from a few minutes ago.

 

Finally, it was Jaehyun who had enough courage to step forward and raise his voice. Donghyuck sent him the message. It was to him that he sent what he thought was his last message.

He was going to handle that.

 

"Donghyuck-ah, can you watch hyung?"

 

Donghyuck shook his head and then lowered it against his chest, stubbornly refusing to turn around.

Jaehyun began to move slowly toward the youngest, but was held back by Taeyong's hand gripping his wrist. His leader, completely overwhelmed by the events, signaled that it wasn’t a good idea with the mere shake of his head, his teary eyes silently begging him. But he just took back his hand and turned his head, his determined look at his dongsaeng.

 

"Do you remember every time we came here to eat?” Jaehyun tried again.

 

The wind blew in their ears until a broken voice reached them.

 

"Of course hyung. You were so happy.” Answered Donghyuck's voice, as weak as a whisper.

 

Doyoung gave him a nod and an encouraging look, and that was all he needed to continue to shorten the distance to the edge of the roof.

 

"Do you know why I was happy Donghyuck-ah? "

 

Only the wind answered him.

 

"Because you were Hyuckie. I was happy because you were.” Jaehyun continued, his voice slightly shaking, tears forming in the corner of his eyes. "When that day you told me you were happy because I was, I almost burst into tears in my pancakes. Because we're stupid, aren’t we?” He laughed slightly, the memories filling his mind. "But maybe that's it, maybe that's enough? To be happy because our friend is happy, or to have fun by eating pancakes? Or playing under the duvet until an hour far too unreasonable for me to dare say in front of Taeyong hyung?” Jaehyun said with a meager smile on his lips.

 

Quite honestly, he did not really know if what he was saying made any sense, he just spilt out everything that went through his head, but it seemed that Donghyuck understood his gibberish. His dongsaeng had laughed softly at his last sentence.

Or maybe it was a sob.

It sounded a lot like a sob.

 

Jaehyun preferred to think it was a little laugh.

 

"Why are you here hyung?” Donghyuck asked weakly.

 

"Because I want you to come home with me. Because I still want to laugh with you until we cry Dongsookie. Because I refuse to see you leave before I do. Maybe because I'm selfish, but I like you too much to let you go."

 

Nobody noticed that Mark had slowly moved to the side until he reached the edge. No one, let alone Donghyuck, who jumped violently as Mark climbed beside him, jumping over the railing. He placed an arm in front of him, preventing him from falling.

Donghyuck's eyes widened and his head suddenly turned to his friend.

 

"Hyung what are you doing? Get off of here!” He ordered, panic flashing through all the features of his face.

"No.” Mark answered quite simply.

Jaehyun stopped dead in his progress, afraid to disturb Donghyuck more than he already had. Taeyong was about to have a heart attack it seemed. Doyoung put his hands to his mouth and everyone tried to calm down in front of the vision of their two friends on the brink.

"Mark, stop your bullshit right now. Get down from there.” Johnny said in a chilling voice.

"No."

Donghyuck looked at Mark, fascinated, as the winter wind slightly lifted his friend's black hair.

"It's cold tonight, right? You always hated the cold.” He added, peacefully.

 

Taeyong gripped Jaehyun by the shoulders and pulled him back with the others, wrapping his arm around him and whispering, "You did well, you did very well. I'm proud of you, but let Mark take over.”

 

They stared at the two teenagers in front of them, their two friends who were literally one step from death. Silence only added to their tension, but none dared to breathe or move a muscle. Only Donghyuck's noisy, erratic breathing could be heard, leaving puffs of condensation in the dark night.

"I'm not here to tell you that I forgive you Donghyuck, that would be very hypocritical of me, for that I should have a minimum of an explanation. I would just like to ask you something. Do you remember the day we decided to date each other?” He asked, not looking at anything other than the sky in front of him.

"Of course.” Donghyuck whispered after a few seconds.

"Do you remember what happened on that day?” Mark asked, finally turning his gaze to him.

"We had a fight. A strong one. About something stupid, really. But I made a whole drama out of it, you ignored me, it made me even more upset and we ended up saying things we both regretted I think."

 

Donghyuck waited for an answer from Mark that never came. His eyes continued to fix him. Now that he was the subject of his attention, he could not help but feel uncomfortable, the sweat slipping slowly from the palms of his hands. He began to gesticulate clumsily and turned his gaze on the buildings in front of him. Mark did not answer, his answer must have been unsatisfactory. He did not want to disappoint him before leaving.

More nervous than ever, his breath caught in his chest and he glanced down before continuing.

"I remember it was my fault." _As usual._ "You forgot to tell me that you were supposed to see Lami that night where we said we were going to watch a movie together and I had a ridiculous and totally disproportionate fit of jealousy. We were not even together at the time, it was really nothing, and you were only friends anyway."

"But you did not know it. "

"No ... no I did not know it.” Donghyuck replied, the pain, the betrayal he had felt at that moment, coming back to him full force, squeezing his chest, and making the floor more attractive than ever.

 

"When I realized why you were so upset, I blamed myself. I should have been clearer with you from the beginning and instead it turned into a dramatic misunderstanding. When I told you that I liked you, you did not want to believe me and you stared into space with your mouth open for ten seconds, I thought you were having an attack.” The memory snatched a grim smile from Donghyuck. He must have looked so stupid in front of Mark when their relationship had not even begun, he was really irrattrapable.

"Do you remember what you said to me after that?"

"That if you wanted it to work between us, you had to tell me everything, unambiguously and perfectly clear so that my brain with limited abilities could understand everything.” Said Donghyuck bitterly.

 

He knew it very well, but to say it made it all the more ironic. He had completely broken the treaty on which their relationship was based. It was his fault.

 

"Exactly. Exactly.” Mark said, nodding slowly and looking up at the moon. "I do not particularly want to overwhelm you, but I do not think you respected our agreement those days Hyuckie."

And more than anything else, the use of the nickname deeply hurt Donghyuck. He did not want to have this conversation, he wanted to go away peacefully, without any talk to finally be able to rest. Leaving Mark broke his heart but he was going to die soon anyway, and Mark was doing much better without him.

 

"I'm sorry hyung.” He murmured guilty, bowing his head.

"I do not want excuses Donghyuck. I want you to realize what you are doing.” Mark said with some tension, for the first time since the beginning of the conversation.

 

Donghyuck closed his eyes. Mark was angry. Because of him. It was his fault.

 

"I want you to realize, Donghyuck," Mark said more deliberately, "how much the situation has escalated. It's exactly the same problem as when we got together only, this time, it's not me who isn’t telling you things, but you who won’t tell me anything, and for weeks ... look where it has lead us! Do you think I did not notice how bad you were? Do you really think I believe that I have nothing to do with it? You cannot do that to me Donghyuck, you cannot threaten to take your life away that way, it's cruel."

 

"Why?” The word escaped him without him being able to hold it and Mark freed a laugh without any trace of humor.

"Why? You’re asking me why? Maybe you forgot what I told you right after that?” Mark answered, the frustration slowly gaining over his calm.

"You told me you loved me."

 

Donghyuck turned his head and looked Mark in the eyes. Time was lost between the two, and Donghyuck could swear he heard the members trying to get closer before Mark regained authority.

 

"Say it again.” He said implacably.

"You told me… that you loved me.” His voice broke at the end of his sentence and tears came to his eyes.

 

It was grueling, he wanted to finish all of that now. He could not bear to contemplate what he had once possessed. All this happiness, all that love that had been torn from him, made him shimmer in paradise before going down to hell.

 

"The problem is there Donghyuck. It's that you don’t believe it.” Mark said, his voice trembling and his teeth clenched.

 

Donghyuck gave him a questioning look but could not say a single word.

 

"After that, what did you do?"

"I took you in my arms."

 

"Exactly Donghyuck. Exactly. You did not kiss me, not even on the cheek, you just pressed me hard against you and in that moment I was filled with joy but I could not help feeling uncomfortable. I felt like you were checking if I was really there, and it broke my heart that you have so little confidence in yourself, that you have such a low self-esteem for not realizing how wonderful you are.” He paused to breathe a little, which at the same time gave Donghyuck some time to assimilate what he had just heard and to try to manage the look that pierced him.

 

"You did not kiss me for two weeks. You did not tell me that you loved me before two months. But it did not matter, because it's you Donghyuck, that's exactly what makes you who you really are. Not what you want to show to the others, not what you try to show me, but who you are, and I love you and all your facets, I beg you to never forget it. Having gained your confidence so that you felt comfortable enough to be yourself when I was with you was, and will forever be, one of my proudest and surely one of the best things I did in my life. But I somehow lost that trust you put in me and everyday, it’s eating me alive.

“I know you Hyuck, believe me, I know you. And I really have a hard time believing that the Donghyuck who was crazy in love with me but who waited two weeks to kiss me, that the Donghyuck who told me that he loved me two months after I already confessed, that the Donghyuck who refused to pass the last step even after a year of relationship, that the Donghyuck who took so long to trust me, could have cheated on me with another person.” Mark finished, his voice quiet, leaving room for silence again.

 

Donghyuck was trapped. He should have known. Mark had always read through him like he was an open book. Now all members knew about it. Everyone was going to hate him. And he was surely the one who hated himself the most. The unshed tears flowed on his cheeks, his emotions finally freeing themselves, all the tension he had accumulated and he thought to free by jumping, broke loose and broke his guts, ravaging his heart and his brain that were not able to think coherently anymore. Flashes came back to him. Donghwa hyung flashes, Hyunjae noona flashes, Jaedong hyung flashes. And he suddenly felt so bad. He preferred his memories of arguing with Mark a thousand times more.

The screams that came out of his mouth reminded him of animals in distress.

But maybe that was what he was; an animal in distress.

 

Tears ravaged his cheeks, salt burning his skin, and he almost choked several times trying to breathe. His head was drumming and he no longer had the strength to resist anything. He turned his gaze and it fell on Mark who seemed on the verge of agony, his eyes watering and his whole body turning to him, barely holding the rail.

 

"You suffer so much ... you suffer so much Donghyuck and you didn’t tell me, you haven’t told me anything.” His sentence did not sound like an accusation but rather as a statement, he looked guilty.

 

Mark felt guilty. The world was upside down.

 

"It is not your fault.” His own hoarse voice surprised him.

"Donghyuck. Even if you've cheated on me, I love you, and I'll probably love you forever, do you understand that? I do not forgive you, I don't even know what happened, but still, I love you. Our existences are linked and I am incapable of conceiving a world in which I should live without you. That's how significant you are to me. If I went up here, it's to tell you that if you jump, I jump with you. Whether you want it or not."

 

And the peaceful silence was broken. Indignant and panicky exclamations came from behind his back, but Donghyuck was too scared to pay any attention to them.

 

He was paralyzed.

 

Doing the world—including himself—a favor by dying was one thing, but killing Mark was another.

 

_Mark loved him._

 

No matter how much he kept telling himself, it seemed unreal. But it would not change anything, even if it was true. He does not deserve this love.

But even if he does not deserve it, he receives it. And to ignore it would be cruel.

And Donghyuck is a lot of things, but he is not cruel.

 

"Mark that’s enough now, stop this madness right now.” Yuta imploded.

"Children please, come down!” Doyoung begged, in tears.

 

Donghyuck was in pain, Donghyuck wanted to end it, but Donghyuck was _loved._

 

He walked slowly towards Mark, clinging tightly to the guardrail, taking care not to fall. He stopped before touching him and looked up to look into his eyes.

 

"You've always been so sappy hyung.” He said, a meager smile emerging from the corner of his chapped lips.

 

Mark wrapped an arm around his waist, squeezing him harder than he had ever done, a huge exhalation came out of his lungs and his muscles relaxed, tears rolling on his cheeks for the first time since they had left the apartment, finally releasing the tension.

 

"You love it.” He smiled through his tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy Guys, I hope you're going to read those notes, they are important, thank you!
> 
> First of all, thank you for all the views, kudos (more than 300 wow) and kind comments you left on this story, each and every one of them really warms my heart, you're all very cute, thank you so much for being nice with me and for liking this story. I like writing so much and this story kind of deals with things I experienced (not to this extend ofc, don't worry about me, I'm ok rn) I still really can't quite believe it because I'm French, and writing in english was such a challenge for me, and I couldn't have done it without Anna's help, and I didn't think people would actually read this, so to see that you guys like this story really means the world to me, I'm really thankful. I hope you liked this chapter!
> 
> I can't really tell you how many songs I listened to while writing that chapter, I remember that the ones I was always playing were probably Fall, Oasis, Been Through, Lights Out, Stay, She's dreaming by EXO, some Ruelle songs, Butterfly by F(x), Around by Akmu, Let me Out, Cocktail, End of a day, Before our spring by Jonghyun, When I was young, Love in Color, 11:11 by Taeyeon, Dayfly by Dean, Calling by TVXQ and Dear Dream, Without you and Sun and Moon by NCT so YEA, a bunch of songs.
> 
> I'll never say it enough, but we all have to thank Anna, the wonderful Anna my dear beta reader, for all the work, effort and time she's putting in this story, she's constantly helping me (and she's super nice, what a queen, I stan her).
> 
> Special thanks to Evangellie for the kinds and detailed comments she left on this story, I could rectify some mistakes on chapters I already posted thanks to her, that was very kind of her!
> 
> I don't really know how fast I'm going to upload for the rest of the story, because I'm in med school (in first year actually, and in France there is this very selective contest so basically, to be able to continue my studies, I have to work something about 13 to 15 hours everyday) so I'm going to ask you to understand that I won't be able to write, and translate one chapter every week (plus, the time my beta takes to correct my infinite mistakes). But, I swear that uploads won't take more than a month, a month is like, the maximum limit. I already wrote 4 more chapters, and my second contest is on the 9th and 10th of may, and after that, I'll be completely free to write as much as I want.
> 
> I hope you're not going to give up this story because of that ;(( I'll try to shorten your wait between chapters as much as I can, it won't exceed one month I promise.
> 
> Thank you so much for your kindess, patience and support!! <3


	11. Hot chocolate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot to my beta reader Anna, without her, this story would have been dying alone in my computer forever ;)

"Hold him tight."

 

Mark made sure that Donghyuck had got to the other side of the railing, in the arms of his comrades, before jumping over and joining them.

Donghyuck was squeezed into heaps of familiar arms, too many arms to clearly distinguish who they belonged to, if he was being honest. But when they walked away, he realized that Jaehyun was right in front of him.

 

He threw himself into his arms and collapsed, giving up all the weight of his body, leaving his friend to prevent him from falling. And he did.

Jaehyun was always preventing his fall.

 

His muscles trembled, his tears ran and his voice shook as he desperately repeated several "hyung, hyung, hyung" that made no sense, but he could still hear Jaehyun's comforting whispers and steady voice. He could feel his warm breath on his neck. He could feel his arms around his back holding him up.

 

Because he was there.

Because he did not jump.

Because he was alive.

 

And fatigue caught him, as he fell asleep in the warm arms of his hyungs, sheltered from the cold night.

 

.

 

"No we cannot afford it. I think Doyoung hyung is right, we better wait until he wakes up, you know how he is, if we start plotting behind his back he’ll never want to talk about it with us ever again." Jaemin added, fiddling nervously his fingers.

 

They had tried to swallow their questions for the time needed to return to the dormitory, both to spare others but especially to spare themselves for a few moments. Whatever Donghyuck had to tell them, they were all pretty sure it was not going to be easy. For him as for them.

 

"Worrying yourself sick over it doesn’t help, it's normal to be worried, but as long as he sleeps, we won’t get any answer to our questions. I do not want you to hurt yourselves too. Please." Taeyong told them, before lowering his head, his voice shaking slightly at the end of his sentence.

 

Wait. It was so simple but it seemed insurmountable to them.

 

Everyone tried so hard to distract themselves; Chenle, Lucas, Jisung and Sicheng had started a new game. A game that Donghyuck had packed and laid in front of Jisung's door before...before what happened.

Kun, Renjun, Jungwoo and Ten had gathered behind them on the couch and commented the fails of the youngest, but with no real conviction.

It must have been a good half hour that Jaemin was in the arms of Jeno but none of them had moved, they were satisfied with the presence of the other and calmly shared some stories in hopes to soothe one another.

 

The hard core of people who could not do anything other than mull over their thoughts had gathered in the kitchen, closing the door behind them, trying to preserve the precarious peace their friends had built with so much effort.

 

Doyoung worked immediately, moving frantically in all directions, clanking the dishes.

Taeil, Johnny, Yuta, Jaehyun and Taeyong exchanged anxious glances before the older man finally decided to intervene.

 

"What are you doing Doyoung?" Taeil asked carefully.

 

The youngest did not answer and increased his execution speed, making his hands fly across the room, his eyes focused on his task.

 

"Doyoung?" Yuta continued.

"Hot chocolate. Donghyuck must be icy and he loves hot chocolate and he loves it when there is whipped cream and a few pieces of chocolate in it but I can’t find the chocolate and I added marshmallows but I don’t know if he likes them, I may have made a big mistake, maybe he will hate, maybe he won’t want it and he will hate me too and in addition we run out of milk!" Finished Doyoung, his voice cracking, tears finally running down his cheeks and his dangling arms, completely useless.

 

He took his face in his hands and stifled sobs escaped him, clutching the hearts of his equally helpless friends.

 

"I'm sorry, I know everyone takes it on, but I cannot, it's too hard. And Mark ... " He murmured, his voice broken.

 

Johnny caressed his back hoping to bring him some comfort, and probably seeking to get some too.

 

"Do not apologize, Doyoung, it's not your fault. Cry if it makes you feel better, cry as much as you want. Donghyuck must have been cold yes, but now he's with Mark, in his bed, under a big duvet, do not worry. It was me who moved the chocolate because Jungwoo did not stop stealing it, it is in the right cupboard of the top. There is still a bottle of milk, I went to buy one as an emergency yesterday. And in any case, I know he'll love what you've prepared for him, because it's not that Hyuckie particularly likes hot chocolates, but he loves yours Doyoung, because you care a lot for him.” Taeyong told him reassuringly, placing a soothing hand in his hair.

 

Doyoung closed his eyes firmly and swallowed his tears, nodding in the affirmative.

Silence returned to the room and somehow it was worse than Doyoung's tears, because in the face of silence, the members in the room could not help but face their thoughts.

Then in a desperate attempt to escape, Yuta asked the question that nobody dared to speak out loud.

 

"And now? What are we going to do exactly? We call his parents? We warn the managers? We say nothing to anyone? We say nothing to SM? We take him to the hospital?"

 

None of the proposals were perfect and making a choice between crap and crap was not nearly as easy as you might think.

 

Taeil sighted heavily and crossed his arms over his chest before looking up at the leader.

"I agree with Jaemin and Doyoung, whatever you do, you have to talk to him first. The hospital seems to be a very bad idea, it will end up being known, it’ll make a fuss and he does not need a horde of journalists and another scandal, but if his condition worsens, I think we will not have any other choice." He said forcefully.

"I agree with Taeil hyung, but maybe we should talk to Jaedong hyung about it? He was trained for this after all." Johnny said.

"No." Jaehyun finally spoke.

 

It was the first time since they had returned that he was speaking, and his tone was categorical.

 

"Sorry?"

"No. I refuse—to talk to anyone about it." His arms crossed in front of his chest, reflecting Taeil's position.

"I suspected it. I thought about it on the roof earlier.” Taeyong replied, looking at him fondly.

"Can you explain to us what's going on?" Yuta asked, slightly annoyed.

"Don’t you see what's going on? It's beyond us and obviously it's beyond Donghyuck too. I know him, and I think you know him too, he's not the type to do these things without talking to anyone, he's not the type to deceive Mark, and he’s even less likely to jump off a roof. It's been weeks and weeks and his condition has been deteriorating, but think about it for a second. What in this world would be able to affect Donghyuck that much?"Jaehyun explained.

 

The others looked at each other, not really knowing where he was going nor what point he wanted to prove.

 

"Mark?" Doyoung tried shyly.

"Us?" Johnny tried next.

"The audience, someone ... someone close to him, surely." Taeil continued, understanding gradually illuminating his eyes.

 

Jaehyun smiled at him and confirmed his suspicions with a nod.

 

"What's going on?" Yuta finally shouted, loaded with frustration.

"Jaehyun thinks someone from the staff has manipulated him and pushed him to the end." Taeil said with a glimmer of disgust in his voice, the very thought of such an alternative made bile gather in his throat.

"It can’t be true..." Doyoung whispered, a hand pressing on his mouth.

"But who? Who would have done such a thing?" Johnny growled, jaw clenched.

"No idea. But everyone is a suspect." Jaehyun replied, his eyes hard.

"Try not to focus too much on that though, I agree with Jaehyun, but that's not a reason to start demonising all the staff members. We cannot be totally sure until Donghyuck tells us the truth." Taeyong said, trying to calm the boys in the room.

 

A cell phone vibrated on the counter and Doyoung read the message quickly before hastily taking the cups of chocolate in his hands and rushed out of the room.

Taeil read it and sighed again, feeling too old to face the rest of the events.

But the others were all so young.

He turned to the boys in the room and told them before going out.

 

"It's Mark. Donghyuck woke up. "

 

.

 

He moved imperceptibly closer to the heat source at his side, snuggling against it. Something sweet tickled his cheek and a musky smell slowly trickled into his nostrils.

 

Oh, he knew that smell very well.

 

He sighed and the air came out of his mouth in jolts, his unstable breaths were a clear depiction of how unready he was to face the following events.

Everyone was going to ask him questions, Mark was going to ask him for explanations, everyone was going to cry, and he was already fed up.

 

But he was in bed. With Mark and a good blanket.

 

And he really missed that.

 

A hand gently caressed the back of his skull helping him to emerge gently as he opened his eyes with difficulty, the yellow dazzling light of the room blinding him.

 

"Hey there." Mark whispered.

 

Donghyuck took the time to adjust to the brightness and looked at the face in front of his. His jaw protruding, his cheeks dug, his big black eyes, everything that made Mark and shouted to his heart as well as his brain "home".

Yes. It was what it felt like.

 

Home.

 

"Hey." he replied, his voice croaking.

 

They were on their side, their legs were intertwined, one arm was wrapped around his waist, one hand resting on his back and the other passing under his neck to caress his hair tenderly and for the first time in a long time, Donghyuck felt sincerely loved.

 

Loved without a second thought, loved with the purest intentions.

 

He wished this moment never stopped. And he would have liked to explain everything to Mark to wipe out the cold he felt in his chest every time he looked into his eyes. But the door of the room opened loudly, causing them both to jump, breaking the atmosphere and their embrace at the same time.

 

Doyoung brought a tray in his hands, their hyungs following him closely. He put the tray on the bedside table and knelt beside the bed to be at their height. His eyes locked on him and Donghyuck felt extremely uncomfortable. Because his hyung was staring at him with watery eyes, as if he was gone, when he was right in front of him.

 

But he had almost left. And Donghyuck eventually thought that he was perhaps more cruel than he initially believed.

 

His jaw trembled when he opened his mouth, the memories of Doyoung taking care of him, cradling him, feeding him, taking him to visit monuments, memories of both of them laughing happily filled his mind and the tearful eyes of his hyung continued to watch him, imposing the truth on him.

 

"I'm sorry hyung, really sorry. Forgive me, please." He finally let out, a few tears escaping silently from his tired eyes.

 

Doyoung then took his head in his arms and pressed him against his chest, cradling him slowly from left to right as if to reassure himself, and placed small kisses at the top of his head while whispering lights "Shush" "Everything is alright." "Hyung is here." "Hyung understands." He then cupped his face and looked at him straight in the eyes.

 

"But I want you to promise me something Hyuckie. Don’t you ever do that again alright? Never again. Do you promise?"

 

The hopeful tone and piercing gaze of his friend prevented him from lying to him.

He thought about Jaedong, his words, his hands, his touch, his presence, or even worse, his presence even though he was not really there. He thought about Hyunjae, her sweet words, her abuses of trust, her hurtful criticisms, her inappropriate attitudes, her stiletto heels, her obsession with authority and order.

He thought of himself, of what he had become, of what was really left of him, of all the harm he had done, of his disgusting body, and of his personality, which was just as bad. He thought of his habit of always spoiling all the positive things in his life, his inability to develop a healthy, normal relationship with someone who does not have the obligation to be in his presence.

Then he thought of Mark.

He thought about Mark's love for him, he thought that his hyungs loved him.

And that was enough for him to tell the truth.

 

"I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I'm sorry for the late update and the short chapter but I'm very busy these days I have to work a lot for my exam in may (and I have the flu right now so I'm working and dying at the same time)
> 
> Thank you for reading, thank you for 400 kudos and 40bookmarks, ily
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter, next one is longer.  
> What do you think is going to happen next ? :D
> 
> I recently created an instagram fan account where I post dumb memes or where I'm fangirling over kpop, you can follow me and we can talk if you want; @nct_soorin
> 
> Bye bye and stay healthy o/


	12. Talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to Anna and Riley for beta reading this chapter, ily both.
> 
> Sorry for the wait everyone, I hope you're going to enjoy this chapter!
> 
> Also, WARNING for potentially triggering chapter

"I know it's going to be difficult for you, and that's probably the last thing you want to talk about now, but I think your hyungs and I deserve an explanation Donghyuck. You have to understand that we can’t help you if we don’t know your problem," Taeyong told him, speaking slowly as if he was afraid the younger boy would not understand what he was saying.

 

But Donghyuck understood that very well, and he knew it was inevitable. He just wished he could stay a little longer with Mark in the warmth of the blankets before the terrible truth would be unveiled.

 

Donghyuck was so naive. Mark kept saying he thought it was cute, but Donghyuck just thought it was pathetic.

 

He was constantly afraid to take the first step, afraid to move forward, afraid to love, afraid to be rejected. It took a lot of time for him to be comfortable with Mark -and it was _Mark_ -. Social interactions were a real source of anxiety for him, constantly afraid to say the wrong thing, to crack an unwanted joke, afraid to be rejected for what he really was.

It was a mountain that at first seemed insurmountable to him, but he had climbed it bit by bit with the patient, loving help of Mark.

 

But there was this bridge. This bridge he never managed to cross.

 

He idealized it so much, the ultimate act, the last mark of trust, which was supposed to definitely seal their love and which was the last act of surrender.

 

 _"I love you. I love you more than I love myself. I surrender_ _;_ _I am yours."_

 

He sincerely wanted it to happen like that. He wanted his first time to be Mark's as well, he wanted them to share embarrassing moments that they could have laughed at after it; he wanted the first and only person to get inside his body to be the one to whom he had already given his heart, but the reality was much crueller.

He didn’t know what Mark would think of the situation. Mark being Mark, he would surely forgive him -even if he was despicable- and he would make him believe that it did not matter to him, so as to avoid hurting him, but Donghyuck knew how disgusting he was, and he knew that even though Mark was full of good intentions, he would find him disgusting too.

 

He had become repulsive.

 

He could easily lie to his hyungs, but what's the point? They would eventually understand his little game, and they would be more frustrated by the situation, and Donghyuck had already caused them enough problems. Mark was certainly with him in his bed, but after a year of a relationship, Donghyuck knew how to decrypt him, he was not that stupid.

Tense muscles, frowning brows, slightly clenched lips, dark eyes, and superficial, cold caresses.

 

Even though Mark loved him, he did not forgive him for his actions, and Donghyuck understood him perfectly. Maybe if he told him he didn’t want to, that he had been forced, then maybe Mark would be more indulgent, maybe he would forgive him. He would still be disgusted by him -obviously- but at least he would know that Donghyuck had not wanted anything of that and that he loved him with all his heart. Maybe it would save him from living with Mark as if they were two strangers, maybe it would save him from only getting affection just to prevent him from jumping off a bridge. He didn’t want to be a charity case.

 

Even if it were only uncertainties, it was worth telling the truth. To avoid spoiling the semblance of life that remains to him.

 

It was worth it. It really was.

 

But no sound could come out of his mouth, desperately closed.

 

"Donghyuck? Tell us the truth, please. Whatever may have happened, we will not judge you. You can tell us everything," Jaehyun said.

 

Oh, Jaehyun. The word "hyung" made sense with him. "Big Brother". It was ridiculously accurate. He had done nothing in his life, for such a wonderful and caring person to cross his path. At a certain time, Donghyuck was very lucky that's for sure. First Mark, then Jaehyun, then Taeyong, Doyoung, Johnny, Yuta, Ten, Taeil, Sicheng, Lucas, Kun, Jungwoo. Life had offered him friends he did not deserve, Jaemin, Jeno, Renjun, Chenle and Jisung. Maybe life has finally seen his unworthiness and is taking away what she lent him. Perhaps she had realized his mistake. Maybe everything that happened was just a fair return of things.

 

"You cannot help me," he said firmly.

 

You cannot help me, because it's beyond me, because it's beyond you, because it's so much more than that. It's not even about Jaedong or Hyunjae, but it's much more important than that. It's a punishment. My punishment. To have enjoyed gifts that I did not deserve, to have enjoyed gifts that were not intended for me.

 

And Donghyuck is ready to accept his punishment.

He should live. Live to suffer, to suffer as he deserves for having abused the generosity of life without ever giving anything in return.

Everything is paid one day.

 

"Give us at least a chance to try," Johnny told him, arms crossed over his chest.

 

He was the only one who had remained to stand. Johnny the pillar. His pillar. Always there for everyone, always there to laugh at his jokes - even the worst of them - always there to make sure he never feels abandoned. "Hyung."

Taeil had sat on Mark's bed in front of them, Taeyong was sitting at their feet on the bed, and Yuta had squatted beside them, right next to Doyoung. Jaehyun sat down next to Taeil and encouraged him to talk with a nod.

 

Why was it so hard?

 

Because of many reasons surely. The shame, the fear, the fear of being mistaken for the weak, the fear of disgusting the other, the fear of not being seen other than by what happened to him, the fear of not being able to protect them, the fear of hurting them, and the fear of confessing. The fear of confessing that it was true. The fear of confessing to himself that he was not stuck in an endless nightmare but that what had happened to him was real and irreversible, the fear of admitting that he had changed and that he was not the same anymore.

He was a little embarrassed. Saying it out loud was not part of his plans, much less saying it to his hyungs which made the situation ten times more embarrassing. How could he explain such a thing? He could not even put the words on it in his own head.

 

_"Hello hyungs, I'm a whore and I’m completely unable to protect myself, what are we eating tonight?"_

 

Donghyuck straightened up, pulling himself out of Mark's hug and reached for the bedside table to grab his chocolate. Hot. Comforting. Like his hyungs. He kept the cup in his hands and stared at the marshmallow floating happily on the surface, raising an eyebrow.

 

"I didn’t know if you liked it, if you do not like it, it's alright I'll just make you another one."

 

He immediately plunged his head into his drink and drank greedily his carefully prepared chocolate. _Just for him_. Chantilly stained his nose in his haste which made Doyoung laugh and the others just smiled fondly. Yuta wiped his face with his sleeve and gave him a smile that gave him a sensation as hot as the drink that burned his oesophagus. The little chuckles of Doyoung and Yuta -crouched right in front of him- made him think of little birds on a spring morning, and the thought ripped him a meagre smile. Small, feeble, very brief, but sincere.

 

"It's very good, thank you hyung," he said cautiously.

 

So his voice was still working. The problem was that he did not have the courage to do what he had to do.

 

_Fag._

 

"Why did you want to ... jump?" Johnny said, hesitating before pronouncing the end of his sentence.

 

Donghyuck just looked up at him and he sincerely hoped his eyes could communicate instead of his mouth.

Unfortunately, things like that only worked with Mark.

While Donghyuck sat cross-legged in front of his two hyungs, Mark sat back against the wall, staying behind him but keeping a certain distance between them. And this distance shouted to Donghyuck that it was time to take courage with both hands.

 

"Because I'm already dead," he said, his voice hoarse from screaming too much earlier.

 

The smiles of his hyungs disappeared gradually, their eyes darkening and Donghyuck quietly took a sip of his chocolate. Good start. We had to continue now. But what to say after that? Wasn’t that enough? It was clear and sober, but in view of the overwhelmed and disappointed looks of his hyungs, it was surely not enough.

 

And the look that pierced his back just confirmed that.

 

Taeil cleared his throat a little, trying to regain the upper hand, and spoke in a low voice.

 

"The boys and I think someone you know well has hurt you. Is that ... is it true?"

 

Donghyuck nodded calmly.

It was easier that way.

Simple questions, simple answers. He did not have to open his mouth or look at his hyungs, it gave him a meagre chance not to crack in front of them, and to keep the little dignity he had left.

He stubbornly stared at the marshmallow floating in his cup, and he would probably never thank Doyoung enough for adding it. It gave him an excuse to avoid their looks.

Looking at them was even harder than talking.

 

"Donghyuck, can you tell us who it is?" Jaehyun asked, his voice twitching imperceptibly.

 

Can he? _Jisung_.

He shook his head.

The sighs that cut the air made him understand that this was not the answer they hoped for, but Donghyuck could not afford to put them in danger. Everything but that.

 

"Can you tell us how he hurt you?" Taeyong asked.

 

There you go. We were finally there.

He was going to have to _tell._

He was simply incapable of it. These kind of things, we can’t just tell them, and we don’t tell them. Not because it's taboo -no such thing with his hyungs -but because you cannot tell it, you’re unable to do it. How to describe what happened to him? He went through all his vocabulary, but no words seemed appropriate. Some seemed a little too much like a reality he could not hear yet. How to make them understand?

 

"Someone. Someone touched me," He said darkly, choosing his words carefully. It was pretty clear, without really being clear. _Blurry._ Perfect.

 

Doyoung took the cup from his hands and replaced it by placing his own hands in his, caressing them gently.

It's almost finished. One more push, we are almost there.

 

"Do you mean that he hit you?" Yuta growled.

 

_Nod._

The look on his back now seemed to be able to burn him, and Donghyuck could have sworn he heard Mark hold his breath. But maybe he had imagined it. Time seemed to have stopped in his little room, and he terribly wanted rewind time, before he was stupid enough to climb on that roof, but it was too late now.

 

"Did he ..." Taeyong began hesitantly, and then Donghyuck understood.

 

He understood that if it was difficult for him to put words on it while he had lived it, it probably had to be infeasible for his hyungs. How could they ask such a question without lacking tact? How could they say these atrocious words out loud when the situation was more real than ever?

It was up to him to help them.

 

"He touched me, like an adult should not touch a child. And he hurt me."

 

The silence returned for long seconds during which the tension became so heavy that it became almost palpable.

 

"Do you mean that he also touched you in a sexual way?" Taeyong asked his voice heavy with apprehension.

 

Donghyuck's eyes rose from Doyoung's hands and landed directly on his leader.

 

"Don’t make me say it hyung," he whispered.

 

And suddenly, the unspeakable was communicated. Doyoung's fingers tightened his own more forcefully, and his sobs were quickly heard in the room. Taeil bowed his head, fists clenched on his lap, Johnny closed his eyes and clenched his jaw tightly, Taeyong stared at him with horror readable by the glint of his eyes, Jaehyun hid his face in his hands, and Yuta let his silent tears sink and put his head on one of Donghyuck's knees, trying to cling to reality.

 

Donghyuck was terrified.

 

Turning his head and looking behind him seemed insurmountable, but he did not have to. Mark moved, the sound of crumpled sheets accompanying Doyoung's sobs, and his face was revealed to Donghyuck who, devoured by his curiosity, turned his head.

His mouth was slightly open as if he was struggling to breathe, and silent tears were streaming down his cheeks. His eyelids were shaking and his eyes were screaming at him what his voice seemed unable to say.

Shock. Sadness. Despair. Horror. Guilt. Love.

So much love. Again and again so much love, even through tears, even after everything. And it was too much for Donghyuck.

 

Tears that were not even present a few moments ago escaped his eyes at an alarming speed, soaking his cheeks and altering his vision. His nose became stuffy, and there he was.

He sobbed.

The pain that had not disappeared but was shoved in a corner resurfaced and hit him hard, invading his chest and squeezing his heart and lungs.

 

"I'm sorry hyung, I did everything I could. I did not want to, I swear, I did not want to. But I was trapped and ... I could not ... I tried ... then I felt the ground and ... everything happened so fast. I tried to run away but I was too weak. I wanted ... I wanted ... Us. I wanted you to love me, and I wanted to love you but ... instead of that, I was hurt so badly."

 

His voice was broken and interrupted by his whimpers of pain and desperate inspirations, but anyway what he said made no sense. Because he was panicked that Mark could be taken from him too.

 

"I'm sorry, sorry, so sorry," He cried between his sobs.

 

His eyes closed of themselves as Mark cupped his face to stick his forehead to his as he wiped his tears away with his thumbs. But then he cried even harder. Because affection had become much more difficult to manage than pain.

 

"I'm sorry hyung, forgive me I beg you, don’t leave me, do not leave, please."

 

He was miserable, and he had no right to ask him such a thing, but the fact that he was still in this room, his forehead against his filled his heart with hope. Even if he knew how dangerous hope was.

He kept repeating that he was sorry, his mind no longer feeling completely attached to his body. Everything was blurry. But little by little, his environment became clear again and the tears of Doyoung pierced his heart. Mark pushed his fingers a little more firmly into his cheeks, which forced him to open his eyes, to dive them directly into the two black and determined eyes facing him.

 

"Do not ever apologize for that, Donghyuck. Never again. I want you to listen carefully now, and I want you to believe me, because it's as true as when I tell you that I love you. It's not your fault,” He said in a steady, assured voice.

 

This had the only effect of reviving his tears. It was not his fault? _But his thighs? His disrespect? His insolent luck?_

 

"It's not your fault," he repeated.

 

_But yet…_

 

"It's not. Your. Fault."

 

Donghyuck dove his head into the crook of his neck, and he clung to Mark's shirt with both hands. Mark wrapped his arms around him, and the whole situation seemed so far-fetched that Donghyuck cried out harder if it was even possible.

He spent long minutes in that position, Mark's head pressed against his, Doyoung's tears calming down before his.

 

Too many tears had flowed.

Even if Donghyuck wanted it, he was not sure if he could cry again that night. He must have reached his limit, he was deeper in the abyss than ever before, and yet he was slightly appeased. His chest seemed to be free of the tension that had not let him go for weeks.

He was just tired.

 

"I thought you had cheated on me. I thought you went to see someone else because you did not love me anymore,” Mark said in a weak, haunted voice.

"Never."

"If only you knew how much I blame myself, how much I despise myself. I should have understood that night, I should have understood, and I should have helped you. When I realized that you weren’t alright, that something was wrong, I should have come to talk to you about it, I should have dug into the matter and I should have helped you instead of running away. But I was afraid to be wrong, I was afraid to invent stories. I was afraid that you didn’t love me anymore. I preferred to ignore you rather than face reality. I've been a real coward, and if there's someone who must apologize here, it's me, certainly not you Hyuck."

 

Donghyuck sat on the older's thighs and clung to him as much as he could, wishing to enjoy every blessed moment he was living.

 

"Do not apologize hyung, I wanted you to believe that, I wanted you to get away from me. Leaving you was too hard."

"Love ..."

 

He closed his eyes and focused on the caresses in his hair, he wanted to purr, right there, right then. He almost forgot the presence of the others in the room.

Almost.

 

"Who is it." Johnny growled in a deep voice.

 

His question sounded terribly like an order and his anger made Donghyuck jump in spite of himself. He immediately regretted his gesture when he perceived Johnny's hurt look. Johnny hyung. It's Johnny hyung. The one who cuddled him in the evening, the one who always agreed to play with him, the one who tried to teach him English, the one who took care of him even in the worst situations, constantly encouraging him, making sure that he does not feel insecure during the interviews. He would never hurt him.

 

Right?

 

It was also what he had said with Jaedong hyung.

But it’s not the same, Johnny was his hyung, his friend.

But Jaedong was too.

And even though he had to face the almost betrayed look of his hyung, he snuggled closer to Mark and buried his head in the crook of his neck, refusing to face what was to follow.

 

"Johnny hyung stop it, you’re scaring him," Doyoung squeaked.

 

"Can’t you really tell us who made that to you Hyuckie?" Jaehyun asked without real hope.

 

Only a shook of his head answered him.

 

Taeyong sighed for a long time before getting up and gesturing for the others to do the same.

 

"We'll let you rest then Hyuck. If you need anything, we're right next door, just ask us." He cast his last serious look at Mark before leaving the room, quickly followed by the others and Doyoung who kissed the top of Donghyuck's skull and told Mark, "Take care of him and of yourself, please," before finally going out with the rest.

 

They stretched out, Mark pulling the blanket over their two entwined bodies. Donghyuck felt that the distance had disappeared, and he let himself be lulled by the soft caresses on his back and the shy kisses in his hair, slipping gently to sleep, all the accumulated fatigue falling on him.

 

"Do you know what's the funniest thing in this story?" Mark murmured.

 

"Hum, no?" He answered, drowsy.

 

"I'll have to buy you a new phone."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I hope you didn't lose interest in this story, I'm so sorry and thank you so much for waiting, you are awesome.
> 
> I'll never say it enough, but I'm incredibly grateful for all of you reading this, for all the kudos and the comments, they really warm my heart every time, I always get so excited when I see I got one haha, so THANK YOU 
> 
> I'll try to be faster for the next update, love you, I hope you're all ok, if you need to talk about anything, I'm always here for you
> 
> @nct_soorin follow me on insta you cowards


	13. I'm ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a filler so I'm sorry.  
> Thanks to Anna and Riley for beta reading this chapter.

_Click._

 

The door is closing, they are facing the world again.

 

_Click._

 

"Someone touched me."

 

_Click._

 

"Do not make me say it hyung."

 

_Click._

 

Donghyuck is not here now, and neither is Mark.

 

_Click._

 

The world revolves around them, too crazy to keep working properly.

 

_Click._

 

Screams, cries, panic.

 

Click.

 

Taeyong had seen the bruises on the youngest’s body, he had seen his wounds and he hadn’t done anything.

 

_Click._

And then, complete black.

.

"Hyung are you ok?" Sicheng asked, frowning.

Taeyong slowly straightened up and sat down more comfortably on the couch, gradually taking back his spirits.

 

"What happened?"

"You fainted when you came out of Donghyuck’s room, hyung." Doyoung replied, eyes as empty as his voice.

_Donghyuck._

Taeyong closed his eyes and sighed deeply.

"Someone went in there to check if they are fine?"

"Donghyuck is fine, he's been sleeping since we left," Johnny replied.

"And Mark?"

Silence answered him. Obviously. It was a stupid question. How could Mark bear the situation? Even himself could not.

It went well beyond anything he could have ever imagined and quite honestly, he would have preferred it not to be the case.

He had absolutely no idea what he was supposed to do, no idea how he could improve the situation for his dongsaengs, and yet he found himself in the middle of their living room, with the eyes of fifteen lost people focused on him. _Leader._

But how could he tell them that he was as lost as they were?

He could not.

"Does everyone know?"

"Yes, hyung," Yuta answered somberly after a few seconds.

But his answer was not really necessary. Taeyong could see it. It was no longer grimaces of misunderstanding that distorted the features of his friends, but grimaces of real suffering. The same grimace he must have displayed at this moment without a doubt.

He extricated himself of the sofa to sit on the floor in front of the coffee table. He grabbed a few pieces of paper and a pen and began scribbling frantically several confused words.

"What are you doing hyung?" Chenle asked him uncertainly. All gathered around him, and he could almost feel the attention they were paying him.

"I'm setting rules. We'll have to deal with that on our own so we'll have to be clear," he said firmly.

He placed four sheets next to each other, giving everyone some time to read the titles.

"DPS hyung? What does that mean? "asked Jisung, who had knelt to his left.

"Stands for Donghyuck Protection Squad," he answered in a firm voice before continuing, under the pressure of the intrigued looks he was receiving. "Alright, I'm listening to you guys. We'll make lists of rules for each subject. I propose this one first for Donghyuck. There must be at least one person with him, whatever are the circumstances. If a staff member asks you to leave, you refuse. If someone forces him to go to another place, you go with him. I do not care if he wants to go to the bathroom or anywhere else, you go with him. He must never be alone. Is that clear?"

There were still a few frightened glances, but the majority answered him with various determined nods. They needed to be led, they needed to do something useful to avoid falling into depression.

"Any other suggestions?"

"Could we do night surveillance turns? We take turns to watch over the front door."

 

Renjun's suggestion earned him a few amused looks and several others quite lost.

 

"I don’t want to keep him prisoner, but he still has a tendency to overwork himself in those recent weeks. Don’t tell me I'm the only one who noticed that he's leaving the apartment to train in the middle of the night?" he continued, slightly on the defensive.

"I understand you Renjun," Taeyong calmed him, "but it's not really possible, we're tired enough, we cannot afford to disturb our sleep that way. But I can assure you that Mark will see if he tries to sneak out, do not worry about that,” he reassured him, speaking softly and squeezing a confident hand on his shoulder. "Other ideas?"

"We could force him to eat. Not force-feed him of course, but make sure he eats at least three real meals a day," Taeil suggested.

 

He quickly received murmurs of approval, and Taeyong added it to the list.

 

"We could be nice to him? To redeem ourselves for being such unworthy friends, we could at least show him that we love him instead of pushing him into the arms of his rapist," Jaemin spat, all his hatred flowing as the time as his words, throwing a cold in the room. "We could, oh, I don’t know, stop trying to find false solutions and take care of him for once in our life for example, but that's just an idea hyung, really."

Yuta glanced sideways at  Jeno who understood the message and wrapped his arms around his friend's shoulders, whispering softly in his ear to calm him down.

 

The word was finally pronounced.

_Rapist._

Aggressor. Victim.

Rapist. _Raped_.

 

Taeyong closed his eyes again, trying to quell his nervous breakdown, which was failing to explode.

"I'm adding it Jaemin, but you have to understand that what happened is not your fault, nor your hyung's." The youngest just turned his head and snorted loudly, ostensibly showing his disagreement.

"That brings us to the second list. People who can be trusted, I thought it was faster than making a list of suspects," added the leader bitterly.

They stared into each other's eyes for a moment, no names coming to their minds, and all suddenly felt very lonely as the realisation hit them.

They were alone.

"Lee Soo Man?" offered Chenle quite shyly.

The idea in itself was not that stupid. The man had been too busy with his wife's cancer and could not have manipulated Donghyuck that way,  he did not spend enough time with them for that. He was not even CEO anymore, it was Kim Yeong Min who was at the top of the company now. If there was one man they could trust to help them, it was him. Lee SooMan. Taeyong scratched his name and quickly added Changmin and Yunho one’s, as well as BoA, Shinee, Exo and F(x).

The members leaned over his shoulder, and many frowned, some even began to argue.

"Why not our other sunbaes hyung? You don’t think they could..." Jaehyun asked, really curious.

"No, of course not. But we cannot trust them. And I would like to avoid as much as possible talking to them, they will immediately talk to the company, and we must avoid that at all costs. Shinee, Exo, BoA, Changmin and Yunho sunbae-nims will know what to do on their own without needing to warn other people and F(x) sunbae are free enough to think and live by themselves, and it's been a long time since they've had a comeback so the spotlight is not on them, it's preventing us too much attention from the reporters if it ever comes out and... I know they can help us."

They were all desperate to see that their list stopped there. They had just added their families, but for any other person they could think of, they immediately found several counter-arguments for not adding them to the list.

It was what they had become, a bunch of young people aged between sixteen and twenty-four, doing a witch hunt in their own entourage.

 

“But Yeri noona is Donghyuck hyung’s friend…”

 

Taeyong sighed and went on to the next list.

.

 

"We recapitulate. In case of emergency, Chenle?"

"On the emergency sheet, there is Taeyong hyung's number, Taeil hyung's number and Yuta hyung's number. First, you have to keep yourself safe, and only then you warn the hyungs. If you come across the abuser, you have to call the police, even though Donghyuck is begging us not to do it. And if we can, we shout very loudly," he recited, rolling his eyes upward, trying to remember all the details.

"Perfect. What are we doing to keep ourselves safe? Jisung?" Taeyong continued.

"We never stay alone, we do not trust people who are not on the list, and we spend as much time as possible at the dormitory hyung."

"It's perfect."

"Do you have any idea how to catch whoever did that?" Lucas asked eagerly.

Taeyong nodded seriously before answering.

"Donghyuck will not tell us anything more than what he already told us, so we'll have to find it by ourselves. 'Someone' assaulted him, so it can be a man or a woman, it's very likely that someone from the agency is the culprit, someone who spends a lot of time with us, someone we trust and even if it's hard to imagine, this is probably someone we like. Our teachers, our managers, our make-up artists, our drivers, our hairstylists, our stylists, the directors of our mvs, the producers, it can be anyone."

Doyoung closed his eyes and his jaw shook slightly. What kind of situation was it?

"The person who did that takes pleasure in abusing his position of power and I think ... well, I think Donghyuck is not his only victim," he concluded.

"How can you say that hyung?"

"Well... attacking a member of a group that has already debuted, who is exposed to the spotlight, projected on the front of the stage, is very risky and it requires a lot of assurance and a minimum of... of experience, I would say. Donghyuck does not look like a first attempt, but rather a final target. He probably had to tackle weaker and more vulnerable targets before him. If it happened to Donghyuck who's always surrounded, imagine how easy it must be to tackle a trainee," he explained monotonously.

He raised his head and his eyes fell on a scene that took him aback slightly. Many nodded, approving his reasoning, but Doyoung, Jisung, Jaemin, Chenle, Jeno, and Renjun had risen, the older having replaced his tears with a grimace of pure disgust. He stared at his leader and Taeyong could feel the hatred going through his friend.

"Do you hear yourself talking hyung? They are children, not targets. I forbid you to go talk to them if it’s to treat them as objects. They are probably terrified, they have no one to confide in, they are really alone. Jaehyun and I will go to talk to them, but stay out of this," he spat before turning around and leading the youngests to Donghyuck's room.

What hurt him the most was Jaehyun's disappointed look.

 

_Why did he continue to fail so much?_

 

.

"Shush don’t wake him, he's sleeping."

They sneaked back into the room, everyone settling around Mark and Donghyuck. Doyoung was the only one to sit on the bed, and he reached out to gently stroke Mark's hair.

The latter, surprised, tore his eyes from the peacefully sleepy face of his dongsaeng and opened his eyes wide, his misunderstanding marked by his slightly open mouth and raised eyebrows.

"He must be very tired our Markie, hyung is here now, you can sleep."

Mark's jaw tightened, he clenched his teeth and said with difficulty "I can’t hyung."

_I'm afraid._

Doyoung sighed, and Donghyuck finally woke up, feeling the presence of other people in the room. Jaemin immediately frowned when he saw that Mark was refusing to loosen his hold around the younger man's waist, forcing him to twist into his arms in order to face his friends.

They exchanged feeble smiles and Donghyuck took Jisung's hand in his.

"Hyung must have caused you a lot of sadness, right? Hyung is sorry, Jisung-ah. "

None of them talked about Donghyuck's problems after that. They spoke animatedly for over an hour, Jaemin reenacting the scene of Renjun who had shouted in fear at four in the morning because he thought had seen a ghost while it was just his own reflection in the mirror. He was standing with his arms in the air and everyone was laughing when Johnny came to get them to eat.

It was stupid, but Jaemin, who imitated Renjun's high-pitched, scared voice, was enough to add some balm to his heart. And then there was Mark who had not let him go for a single second, even when they had moved to sit at the table. The smell of his hyung did not leave him and made him a quiet and peaceful cradle that guaranteed him that everything would be better from now on.

However, when Donghyuck found himself facing his plate, he felt like throwing up.

He felt all the looks on him, so much that they gave him a headache, an incessant humming invading his ears. His lips began to shake, his nose pricked him and he pushed the object of his problems away from him, with a movement of his arms.

"No," he said firmly before any protest could have come from the worried mouths of his hyungs.

They ended up taking twenty minutes to convince him, but he ate.

A little.

It was better than nothing.

.

"Hyung, don’t you think Mark is a bit ... strange lately? I guess he has a relatively normal reaction given the circumstances, we're all shocked and tensed but he's ... creepy. "

Doyoung barely had time to finish his sentence, that Donghyuck came out of his room to sit on the couch, followed directly by Mark who wrapped him in a protective embrace. Donghyuck did not sleep, but he seemed a little elsewhere, his eyes staring into space. He snuggled closer to Mark, sitting on his thighs and burying his head in his neck. The older brought him closer by a firm hand on his waist and stroked his cheek with the other. Neither of them actually watched the movie, but they did not speak to each other either. They did not talk to anyone else either. It had been several days since they had witnessed such disturbing scenes. Donghyuck had not spoken to his friends for several days, and Mark seemed to comfort him in his behaviour, doing the exact same thing. Doyoung had initially thought they were tired because of their endless schedule, carrying them from interviews to interviews even though they were in this desperate and burdensome situation. But it was more disturbing than that. Each and every one of their moves seemed oddly… wrong.

Taeil looked away quickly as Mark stared at him a little too long for a friendly look. He turned to Doyoung, turning his back on the lovers and spoke in a low voice.

"I noticed. Taeyong and Jaemin talked to me about it too. "

Doyoung squeezed his lips and frowned, averting his gaze. _Taeyong._

Taeil noticed it immediately and sighed slightly.

"Listen, he's sorry for last time, but try to understand him, he also has to deal with this,  it's complicated for everyone, we do what we can. Imagine for a second everything he has to manage. Everyone is counting on him, but he is as lost as we are."

 

Doyoung closed his eyes and swallowed his tears of frustration.

 

"I know. It's just that... I have a lot of trouble handling this too, and I don’t really know how to apologize, and I don’t even know if I really want to."

"Don’t worry about the two of you, you’ll get along again very quickly," Taeil smiled, putting a hand on his shoulder.

His eyes darkened and his features tightened as he spoke again.

 

"On the other hand, Mark worries me more. And Donghyuck too. They are on a dangerous slope."

And Doyoung could only approve, the horror slipping slowly into his heart when he saw Donghyuck in the kitchen. Mark had been sitting in the living room for five seconds to plug in Donghyuck's phone, and the youngest was already shaking, calling Mark in an uncertain voice. Mark rushed into the kitchen, pushing Yuta who was in his way, and Doyoung looked away, swallowing hard, unable to endure this vision that seemed unreal, nothing like both’s usual behaviour.

.

Doyoung knelt down to pick up his bottles of shampoo, their contents spilling onto the tiled, cold floor of the bathroom. He grumbled, about to scream at his friends to find the culprit who had committed such a massacre, but he thought back at the last moment remembering what was the cause of their fall, a thin moan escaping from his throat instead. He knelt down and picked them up silently one by one, cleaning up the damage that was a tangible proof of what Taeyong had told them.

Tears flowed silently down his cheeks as his mind frantically produced images of a naked, frozen, terrified and covered in bruises Donghyuck, leaving no rest in his heart that had been mistreated for a few days.

 

But he had no right to complain.

 

Doyoung did nothing and left Donghyuck alone to face his demons.

 

_He deserved to face his’ now._

.

"Are you really really sure?"

Donghyuck laughed softly and caressed Mark's cheek with one hand, looking into his eyes, silently communicating his agreement.

They were both sitting on his bed where they spent most of their time, locked up in their room since "the roof”, and although it might sound sad, it suited Donghyuck very well, he could have stayed a lifetime to bask in the arms of Mark Lee.

Unfortunately, reality had caught up with them, or rather a reality named Lee Taeyong who was leaning against the doorway. They had neglected their activities with the commotion he had provoked, and Mark being one of the busiest members, he knew that day was to come. That day he was going to have to leave Donghyuck alone.

"Jaedong hyung asked you to go, it must be important! Go ahead, I'll be fine on my own."

 

The smile he gave him was not enough to reassure Mark, who was forced to get up and walk out of the apartment, giving him a last quick kiss on his head before going out. It had been weeks since they had actually kissed each other, but neither had dared to do it.

"You call me if something- anything is wrong."

Donghyuck replied with a smile and a cheering nod, but as soon as the door closed behind his hyung, his smile disappeared and he went to hide in his room, followed by the worried looks of his hyungs.

He curled up under the sheets and tried to calm down and think rationally.

He did not think he'd lied to Mark telling him he'd be doing great alone, but presumably he could not seem to. The weight that compressed his chest was soon back again, as well as his thoughts that he had managed to hunt away. He stood up and paced, twitching his fingers, which began to tremble, his palms slipping with sweat. He tried to take deep inspirations as Yuta had taught him, but without success.

 

 _And if Mark was gone for good?_ _And if Mark got sick of him?_

 

His strides widened and the air he exhaled began to quiver as it left his mouth in asymmetrical waves.

 

 _What if Mark thought he had changed too much?_ _And if he disgusted him?_ _And if he did not want to put his hands on him ever again?_

 

In his frantic march, his calf banged against the corner of the bedside table, causing him a deep pain and making a drawing fall to the ground.

 

The drawing.

The one he had done before leaving.

The drawing of them both hugging after a terrible misunderstanding, the drawing of the evening Mark had told him he loved him, and when Donghyuck had naively decided to believe him.

  


_What if Mark did not love him anymore?_

  


His breathing stopped abruptly and all his efforts were reduced to nothing when he collapsed on the ground. Tears clogged his nose and masked his eyes, blocking his throat. The lack of oxygen made his thoughts even more inconsistent as he was dragging his knees against his chest, sitting against the bed. He took his head in his hands and shouted.

 

He screamed so loudly that his throat immediately burned him.

 

Everything around him was very confused, he did not understand the questions that the members  -who hit fast and crazy blows against his door- asked him, he did not even understand what he was screaming.

 

Maybe he was screaming that he was incompetent.

 

After telling Mark that he would be alright if he stayed alone for a bit, he was plunging his nails into his skull, making a long, thick stream of thick red liquid run on the side of his face. At its sight, his heart quickened, and he thought he was going to faint.

 

The second that followed marked the moment when things had really become out of control.

 

The door opened and the screams of his members entered the room immediately, accompanying his voice that could not stop.

He thought he could distinguish a figure approaching him before sinking in the dark.

The only thing he knew was that this figure was not Mark.

.

"HYUNG!"

The cry of Donghyuck pierced through the apartment and broke the member’s hearts who, frightened, were already behind the door of his room.

"What can we do? If we go in there he'll panic, but we can’t leave him like that!" Johnny said hurriedly.

 

Jaehyun went into the kitchen and came back with a paper bag that he held firmly in his right hand.

 

"Jaehyun what are you doing?" Taeyong asked him in a panicked voice. "Please don’t."

 

He breathed deeply as if to give himself courage. He did not have time for that, Donghyuck was in pain.

 

"Yuta, call Mark." He ordered in a tight voice. "Do not go in unless I tell you to do it."

And without waiting for their answer, he opened the door. Donghyuck's cries grew louder, reaching their ears directly. He got up quickly and stepped back until he was stuck against the wall in the corner of the room. His face was red, tears ran down his cheeks and blood was slowly flowing from his temples, giving them a real horror vision. His cries stopped when Jaehyun walked slowly towards him, presenting his hands in evidence, trying to adopt the least scary attitude possible. The sudden silence allowed them to hear Donghyuck's erratic breathing, but no one dared to move, following Jaehyun's order to the letter.

"Donghyuckie, it's hyung, can you explain to me what's going on?" he said in a soft, thoughtful voice.

And maybe it was the worst thing to do, being gentle.

 

Donghyuck looked like a terrified wild animal for a second, then exploded again, with a tenfold force. He grabbed everything that passed under his hand, papers, pencils, books, and he threw them desperately in Jaehyun’s direction, his tears having returned.

 

"Mark hyung! Where is Mark hyung? I WANT MARK!"

"Mark is coming soon Hyuck," Jaehyun tried to reassure him while protecting his face with his arms, but never stopping his progress towards Donghyuck.

"I do not believe you. Stop lying to me. Liar! LIAR! YOU’RE ALL LIARS!"

Donghyuck screamed and struggled as Jaehyun tried to stop him and made him breathe in the paper bag. Donghyuck was hitting him desperately, slapped him so strongly that it made him bite the inside of his cheek, but he persisted and managed to press the bag against the mouth of the panicked boy.

Ten brought the dreamies out of the corridor, tearing away his eyes from the scene with difficulty.

Donghyuck gasped, trying vainly to push him away with his arms, which grew weaker and weaker, his cries turned to tears, but his breathing gradually calmed down.

 

“You’re all liars,” he whispered quietly, out of exhaustion.

 

It was at this moment that Mark entered the room and surprised everyone.

They had all more or less understood that Donghyuck was not really in control of himself anymore, probably because of a panic attack caused by post-traumatic stress, but Mark.

 

Mark was supposed to know what he was doing.

He jerked angrily to Jaehyun and pulled him away from Donghyuck, pulling him backwards violently, then pushing him hard, cutting his breath and knocking him down, his head hitting the ground in a terrifying sound.

He locked Donghyuck in his arms, frenziedly stroking his hair while whispering, "Hyung is here, hyung is here.”

Donghyuck stopped sobbing and snuggled against Mark as much as he could, pushing his head against his chest and gripping his sweater, clenching his fists and eyes tightly.

"Mark what the hell?" shouted Lucas who had flung himself into the room to try to lift Jaehyun.

It was then that Doyoung realized that Mark really had a problem. That his worry was not meaningless, that he had not gone mad. Mark glared at them, and Doyoung knew that in his eyes they were no longer his friends, not even his colleagues, but his _enemies_.

It was no longer the timid eyes of the clumsy boy looking at him, it was an animal's eyes.

"Outside. Everyone! Get out! I do not want to see you here anymore, I do not want to see you near to him! If you touch him again, I swear I will gut you with my own hands," he spat like venom, pressing Donghyuck's head against his chest, blocking his eyesight.

 

"Mark you know we just want to help you-"

"PISS OFF NOW!" he snarled, throwing them in the face the first thing that came to his hand -their album.

Lucas dragged a still a little knocked Jaehyun out the room, and they all had time to see Mark sat against the wall, Donghyuck still in his arms, cradling him slightly.

When they closed the door, his "Hyung is here, no one will ever touch you again Hyuckie, no one," whispered softly but loud enough for them to hear chilled their blood.

.

The night had already fallen more than five hours ago, but Jaehyun was walking in the dormitory without being able to sleep.

He had reassured the others several times, assuring them that he was fine, that he had only been a little stunned.

 

But eventually, he did not even know if it was true.

His friends seemed to be on the brink, having developed this unhealthy relationship of mutual dependence, but Jaehyun was not even able to say how he felt.

The moon lit up the living room as he thought of hatred in Mark's eyes and Donghyuck’s cries. Mark seemed so out of character when his unlimited rage took control of his entire body, shadowing his mind. The boy was always so quiet and composed, he was always able to overcome his feelings for the sake of Donghyuck’s well-being.

But this...

To tell the truth, he panicked. This scene had brought back many memories and Jaehyun had naively thought that at least this time he could have been useful and done something. _Anything._

 

He had only made the situation worse.

He sat on the cold floor of the kitchen, his back against the fridge, probably in a disillusioned melodrama, then lazily took out his phone, watching without real interest Instagram for more than an hour. He looked at the posts of his sunbaenims, the posts of celebrities, the posts of less known people who went on vacation, and everyone looked _so happy._

Lump formed in his throat as he continued to scroll, because all that was so unfair.

Twenty-year-olds were going around the world, and teenagers were working all day and as a reward were being beaten, abused, and raped by someone they trusted, destroying their lives, their innocence, their youth, and their relationships.

Beaten. Abused. Raped.

And all that behind his back.

_Like the last time._

He dialled with trembling fingers the number he knew by heart, and carried the phone to his ear. The tone tones cut off and a sleepy voice answered him.

"Hello Hyunnie? What is happening sweetie? Are you okay?" Asked the soft feminine voice, a little more awake with each word.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he placed his fist in front of his mouth, trying to muffle the sound of his sobs.

 

"No, mom. No, I’m not okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry because I hate this chapter so much.
> 
> I felt so uneasy writing it yet I couldn't write in another way. I see it as a filler and no matter how much I hate it, I had to do it because it's very important to set the situation for the next chapters  
> So please don't judge me too hard because I hate it too
> 
> I uploaded fast because I wanted to get rid of it as soon as possible haha that means I'll try to upload chapter 14 soon because I hate chapter 13 so much omg. I feel like it's really cringy, I hate it. The last scene with Jaehyun is the only thing I'm really satisfied with, I put it here to soothe the whole drama thing and I think it turned out well
> 
> Tell me what you think
> 
> Have a nice day :D


	14. Starting again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Anna for giving me her opinion on this chapter and thanks to Riley for beta reading it!

"Hello, Donghyuck."

Lilies. She smelled like lilies and maple syrup. It was a strange but so sweet mixture that his curiosity was intensely piqued by it. Her movements were graceful and fluid even as her limbs seemed tense and her eyes were strict but kind. Hard, cold. But so warm at the same time.

Strong. Courageous. Independent.

A lot of things that he can never possibly be.

The woman who had just sat down on the bed in front of his produced a strangely attractive aura and Donghyuck found himself inexorably drawn to the very idea of being part of this woman’s life whose body and attitude shouted that she had _lived._

She tied her long brown hair in a rather messy bun and Donghyuck could then examine her black sweatshirt which included only a quote written in golden letters, "Man In the Mirror".

He sniffled slightly when he noticed her eyebrow raised in an inquisitive manner.

"Is it going to be one of those ‘I-don't-know-you-but-I-already-like-you’ kind of relationship?" he said wearily, his voice embraced by sarcasm.

But far from being impressed, she just smirked. She stared at him silently for a few seconds, and in other circumstances, Donghyuck would probably have been scared extremely quickly.

But for some reason, he did not feel inferior to the middle-aged person in front of him, but he did not feel superior to her either, as if everything was perfectly... balanced.

Maybe showing his arrogant look was for him a way to avoid thinking about what was happening to him, or maybe he was just really _tired_ because it was three in the morning and they were just returning from four hours of interview, because Mark was not with him, because he had not showered when he came back home, because Jaehyun had forced him to speak with his mother at three o'clock in the morning, and that he just wanted to _sleep._

With Mark.

"Only if you want it to be."

"Why are you here?"

She did not answer him, and just stared at him with her mischievous eyes.

Intriguing. Unique. Cunning.

Donghyuck knew very well why she was there. To do what everyone has desperately done since he got on that roof. She is here to _talk_ to him as if he was made of porcelain and could break at any moment, and as if _talking_ really had the power to change something.

His friends treated him as if he needed to be assisted, as if he could not think for himself, but ironically, no one dared to contradict him. It was suffocating. He could set fire to the dormitory voluntarily, and they would not dare to make any remark to him, being afraid of his reaction. He felt like he was under guardianship, and he hated it. Weakness was one thing, punishments were another, work was something else, but the end of his free will was a separate issue.

To confide, to tell, to _talk._

All he had picked up from this were drips of pity and the loss of the only thing that still made him a human being.

When Taeyong forced him to leave the dormitory of 127 to go live without Mark in the dormitory shared by dream and U, Donghyuck had the unpleasant sensation of being stung by a sharp needle in the palm of his hand.

When he was ordered to stay away from Mark until further notice, he felt a second on the palm of his other hand.

When he constantly saw one of his friends by his side to _watch him,_ probably out of fear that he would destroy the group with his dramatic crises, he felt that same tingling in his feet.

When they forced him to eat, when he was forced to always work with someone, when he was kept from being alone with a member of the staff, when he was forced to sleep in Renjun's room, when they forced him to act as if everything was _ok_ , he felt wires slip under his skin and around his muscles, forcing him to perform movements that his brain mechanically recorded, but leaving him no choice, trapping him, condemning him.

Puppet. Doll.

He was no longer himself, and the worst part of all this was that he was fully aware of it. The old him was only an old memory, and he should have realized at that moment, how happy he was. His old personality, which he had so hated, had become his ideal, an ideal he would never reach again.

To laugh. Tease. _Flirt._

Donghyuck had confided to his friends, but now his freedom was taken away. Mark was ripped away from him. He had also thought to himself that he could get better as if nothing had happened, but the truth always caught up with him, floating behind him like a shadow.

Sometimes speeding up, sometimes slowing down, sometimes hiding, but it was still there. With him. Inside him. Inside him, simply because it had plenty of room to settle there.

_Empty._

"The boys told me that you do not go out of your room when you're in the dorm, you do not want to have fun with them?"

"I don’t really want to have fun, no," he spat, an obvious grimace of disdain on his face.

"I know," she said confidently.

And yes. She knew.

No one who knew the truth about what had happened to him had dared to say he knew how he felt. Just because nobody knew, and that's just unimaginable.

So yes, she knew.

Donghyuck blinked several times, chasing away tears that were threatening to form.

Donghyuck did not want to cry anymore.

Because Donghyuck was sick of being weak.

He gave up his aggressive stance and gathered his knees against his chest, leaning against the wall next to his bed.

He played childishly with his fingers trying to clarify his thoughts.

Of course, she knew.

Donghyuck should have seen it right away.

But at the same time, it seemed impossible, because she was... so strong, so beautiful, so radiant, so confident, so charismatic.

How?

"Who was it?" he asked in a low voice, afraid to go beyond the limits.

"What about you, Donghyuck? Who was it?" she retorted.

"Fair enough," he replied with a bitter smile, lowering his head to escape her gaze that had become too tense for him to bear.

The silence resumed for a few minutes before she sighed, her voice rising in the air, surprising Donghyuck.

"My husband," she said barely louder than a whisper. "Actually my ex-husband now." Then she laughed.

How?

How was she able to laugh?

Donghyuck bit his nails and felt even less serene than a few minutes ago. All of this was becoming too dangerous. It was all too dangerous because he wanted to tell her, he did not feel the need, but he wanted to do it. But doing this would involve disastrous consequences.

But she understood, she did not judge him, she dared to tell him what she thought.

"If I tell you something, are you able to keep it for yourself?"

"It'll stay between you, me, and the ghost of Michael Jackson."

In another context, he would probably have teased her for making such a lame joke, but all his efforts were focused on his recalcitrant will and vocal chords.

It's always the same problem, you have to _talk about it._

"I miss him. The one who did that, I miss him." When he did not receive any reaction from her, he closed his eyes, and let his panicked and tense voice rise again into the air. "I miss him so much because I want him to compliment me again, I want him to be proud of me, but I feel so... so bad. So sick, so wrong. After everything that happened to me, I still find a way to throw myself in the wolf’s mouth and maybe it's because deep down I'm like that, maybe it's my fault, and I've been looking for it."

"Of course you've been looking for it, it's all your fault."

He opened his eyes sharply and looked at her, completely shocked, no word daring to come out of his mouth. Was that really the case? But things like that should not be said. In principle, weren’t we supposed to tell the victim that it was not his fault? Someone else accusing him was bothering him deeply, and now he just wanted her out of his room, he did not want to see anyone.

Except for Mark.

But the whole world prevents him from being with him.

"Do you feel better now that someone told you that? Do you think that's true? "

And Donghyuck really felt even worse than before, so he made a negative sign of the head. What's the point of lying?

She knew anyway.

.

"Renjun and I are going to watch Ghostbusters, do you want to come Hyuckie hyung?"

Jisung stared at the back of Donghyuck who was in bed, facing the wall. He sighed sadly and scanned the dark room with a look before silently closing the door, the stifled sobs of his friend haunting his mind.

.

Boring. Banal. Bland.

Dull.

Not Donghyuck.

"Mark, don’t you want to let go of your phone for two minutes and come with us in the living room?"

"No."

"But Mark, you could-"

"Get out of my room Doyoung hyung."

.

"Hyuck, Jeno and I are going to see Chenle, he is at his mother's. Do you want to come?" Jaemin asked without much conviction.

Donghyuck, however, surpassed all his expectations when he threw his blanket with a sharp movement of his arm and stood up, approaching Jaemin with hushed and awkward steps. He opened his mouth, took a deep breath, and held trembling fingers toward him, which Jaemin hastened to cuddle with his hands, giving him the dome of heat that his friend had the courage to leave when he got out of bed and started voluntarily contact for the first time in two days.

"Jaemin, I think I ..." Donghyuck started, encouraged by his friend's thrilled gaze.

But while he was going to keep talking, while his mouth stubbornly closed for several days was finally going to open again, Jaemin heard Jeno's voice screaming behind him.

"Jaemin please help me, I can’t find my other shoe,” he said hopping on one foot.

Jaemin glared at him and hurried to turn his attention back to Donghyuck, who panicked and snapped out of his grasp and slammed the door in his face.

"Donghyuck please don’t ... Just talk to me please!" Jaemin tried desperately, hitting his palm against the door several times. He pressed his forehead against the wood and sighed in frustration, his fingers squeezing around the door frame, his knuckles glowing almost ghostly white.

"Jaeminie? Did I do something wrong?"

Jeno barely had time to breathe, and he felt a hand push on his chest forcefully, making him step back clumsily. Jaemin pointed an accusing finger at his forehead, and his face distorted into an anxious and furious grimace.

"You-" He closed his eyes and gripped his hair with both hands, nervously pulling on his fragile roots. His breathing quickened as Kun entered the hall, alerted by the noise. Jaemin glanced at him contemptuously, before focusing his whole attention on Jeno. "You stupid delusional fucking idiot!" he spat without being able to restrain himself.

Jeno could only observe, frightened, Jaemin's whole body tense and the white of his eyes turn red, an irrefutable witness to the increase in his blood pressure.

"Jaemin please, I don't-" he started weakly before being cut.

"Oh no Jeno, do not fucking beg me, you just ... you don’t understand," he murmured, his voice breaking at the end of his sentence as his breathing became more and more out of control.

"Jaemin, breathe," Kun told him firmly as he approached his dongsaeng, putting his hands on his shoulders, turning him so that he would face him.

"Don’t fucking touch me!"

"Just breathe, Jaemin," he ordered more calmly, looking him straight in the eyes.

Jaemin remembered Yuta and his stupid breathing exercises, and brought oxygen more regularly into his lungs, under the watchful gaze of Kun and Jeno's wounded one.

"You're doing great Jaeminie, keep going."

He was not supposed to need Kun to control himself, and every time that happened, he felt like the whole world reminded him of how much he had failed, and how bad he was. Not only unable to take care of himself but also unable to take care of his friends.

As soon as he calmed down, Kun stepped back to give him some space, and Jaemin looked back at Jeno. His best friend. He was bent over himself in a strange position of rebellion and submission all at once, seeming to be as lost as he himself was.

Jaemin felt guilty. Evidently, he felt guilty in front of those eyes that he had loved for almost his whole life.

But he would never tell him that he felt guilty, he was far too proud for that.

"I'm going to see Chenle, Renjun is already there. I don’t care what you're doing, but I'm not waiting for you Jeno. If you want to come with me, just follow me," he said sternly, turning his back to them, only to head determinedly toward the apartment door.

And Jeno followed him into the street.

With only one shoe.

.

"I don’t want to talk to you Johnny, don’t even try."

"Mark please, I'm not asking much! I just want to get out of this room, I want you to wash, it's been four days Mark! You can’t carry on like that forever."

"Get out of my room and stop pretending that you're my friend."

Mark was deeply buried under his blanket, and he was facing the wall,  looking at nothing else than this ugly, worn-out dark green wallpaper. He tried to keep his mind oblivious to his surroundings yet he seemed to fail as he heard footsteps getting closer and sheets crumpling. A weight drove the mattress close to his chest, and he sighed at Johnny's insistence and stubbornness.

 _Maybe_ it was a bit hypocritical of him to think that.

"What is bothering you?"

_What is bothering me?_

He couldn’t even tell.

Mark was scared to see how much he had acted in a way that did not resemble him. He had lost control of himself and of his own emotions. He had allowed himself to be overcome by rage and had acted like an animal driven by a bestial instinct, wanting at all costs to protect Donghyuck in a way that was dangerous for both of them. It was like he could no longer think, as if he could not make sense anymore.

 

It was terrifying.

 

Donghyuck had that effect on him, and Mark was terrified.

 

 _He had pushed Jaehyun down._ _Out of all people, Jaehyun._

 

He had not stopped thinking after his outburst, and he began to ask himself questions that he had never thought of before.

 

 _How far was he_ _willing_ _to go to protect Donghyuck?_

 

And his answer, though laudable, terrified him.

He did not want to turn into a monster, he did not want to hurt his friends, he did not want to become paranoid.

 

_But he did not want Donghyuck to be hurt again._

 

All his thoughts led to a cul-de-sac and his situation seemed desperate when he couldn’t find any solution to overcome his helplessness.

"I lost control, and I let the anger eat me."

"Alright there young padawan, calm down a bit will you?" laughed Johnny.

"This is not funny Johnny!" he responded with a scowl. "I hurt Jaehyun! I did this ... and the worst part of it was that I didn’t feel guilty when I did it," he said bitterly, disgusted by himself.

 

"But you feel guilty now," said Johnny, much more serious than a few seconds ago. Yet, his face wasn’t tense and the little smile that formed his lips was enough to relax Mark.

"You need to be a little less harsh with yourself Mark. What Donghyuck said to us ... " his hyung looked away, a flash passing through his eyes. He ran a hand through his hair and laughed nervously, "It was like he dropped a bomb. Everyone was affected and we all understand that you were... very affected. Maybe more than we were. Everyone has a different reaction to these kinds of situations, and we cannot predict them before we actually live them. You tried to bottle up your emotions, to protect him from everyone and everything as a coping mechanism, but I'm glad you realised on your own that this couldn’t last forever. You are so young Mark, so, so young. Don’t feel like you are obligated to handle things on your own when we're here to help you."

 

"But I feel like I'm useless, like I can’t help him, and I want to! I want to help him so much, but I have no idea what to do. I'm so scared I'll hurt him too hyung. I'm just so scared," he could not stop his voice from shaking as he finally uttered those words he had never told anyone, “I’m scared all the time that I’d do a thing that will scare or hurt him, I’m scared that he’ll think I don’t love him,  because I love him so much hyung. I love him so much that it hurts," he swallowed his tears and took a deep breath to calm himself, "I'm scared that I'll lose my mind once again, I'm terrified that I'll keep acting like a brainless animal,” he whispered weakly.

 

“Do you remember when he told us?” Johnny waited for his answer before continuing, “I, the worst hyung that God created," he smirked bitterly, "I snapped at him, Mark. I was so lost, so shocked, so hurt that I was not able to properly contain my emotions." He sighed and passed both of his hands over his face, trying to chase away that rage that wanted to come back as soon as she was mentioned, "But instead of comforting my friend who was brave enough to tell me what happened, I did the worst thing ever, and I scared him. I think I'll never forgive myself for doing that," he said sadly, his kind smile still directed at Mark, "My point is, that nobody in this story is perfect Mark, and nobody is supposed to be. We're just a bunch of friends trying to help each other, but the truth is nobody really knows what to do. We all make mistakes Mark, we all lose control at some times, we're all tired and scared, but we're going to get through this together. As a team."

 

"How inspiring coach," Mark taunted, his heart already lighter as Johnny's words healed his malaise.

"The nerve you have for laughing at me kid, I'm impressed. But as a coach I must say some terrible truth to you... " he said in an exaggerated dramatic tone. Mark played along and got closer to him, his eyes wide open, "What is it, coach?"

"You... stink so much my nostrils are begging for mercy."

Mark pushed him playfully and laughed heartily.

“No but look at your hair dude, it’s so greasy I'm sure I can cook with that," he insisted, smiling toothily while avoiding the pillow that served as a missile directed against him and who was now in the background of the room.

 

"Shut up hyung!"

.

The first time Donghyuck came out of his room to the sight of everyone, it was to join them at the dinner prepared by Kun and Jaemin. He had slipped silently along the corridor walls to settle as discreetly as possible at the table, between Jisung and Jeno. He had noticed that everyone had stopped speaking, he had noticed Chenle's slight jump, Ten's worried look, Lucas's hesitant smile, Renjun's trembling breathing, and he noticed all the looks on him that seemed to weigh as heavily as his conscience which constantly gave him depressing remarks, but he did not run away. He had gathered all his courage to stay in this chair, surrounded by his friends.

The silence was broken by Jaemin who clumsily cleared his throat while picking up the spoon he had just dropped and who tried to smile as naturally as possible, the discomfort, however, still visible in his eyes, before removing his apron and sitting down at the table almost mechanically. Kun came out of his stupor when Jeno pulled his sleeve quietly, forcing him to sit down. They stared at each other for a few seconds, all of them being ill-at-ease and not knowing what attitude to adopt. It was finally Ten who broke the silence by clapping his hands.

"It really looks delicious, bon appétit!" he said with a smile before starting to eat with appetite.

Their hands moved on their own, grabbing their chopsticks with hesitation. They began to eat while maintaining an uninteresting discussion to fill the void and try to ease the tension that was holding their hearts.

They tried to pretend everything was normal, just because it was supposed to be normal.

Donghyuck who came to eat with them was something they were used to and had long taken for granted. Because it was supposed to be normal.

But it wasn’t.

And while he was eating and discussing casually with his hyungs, Renjun felt tears blur his vision and run down his cheeks when he saw Donghyuck in front of him picking up his chopsticks and eating his noodles gently. Kun felt his throat tighten as he smiled and told Jisung to sit straight. Jeno felt his heart clench in his chest smelling his friend’s perfume which was so rare at his side those days.

But these futile pains had no importance for them because they would soon be exiled from their memories forever, life gradually resuming its normal course.

Donghyuck had once wondered how the human brain could identify a trusted person and not react to a situation that, if not caused by that person, would endanger his life. He had long wondered, slightly fascinated by this ability that the brain had to differentiate between a brother or sister who waved a knife in front of him to make a joke, and a terrible murderer who would brandish the same knife, the same way, but with a totally different intention. In one case, the brain remains perfectly calm, and for the other, it seeks all the means to fly or escape this situation, by pure instinct of survival.

_How to identify real threat and carefree teasing?_

Donghyuck searched desperately for a solution to this question as he jerked imperceptibly every time Jaemin raised the knife to cut a piece of cake.

.

Taeyong looked up from his book to watch an anxious and on edge Mark stand in the doorway. He quickly put his novel on his bedside table and sat up, sitting cross-legged on his bed, in what he hoped was a welcoming and open position as he watched Mark bite his nails, his other hand firmly tight around his mobile phone.

He had to be very careful with his words if he wanted to prevent Mark from immediately leaving in his room.

On the evening of the fifth day since the separation, Mark had finally left his room voluntarily.

"Hi Mark, do you want to tell me something?" he asked as casually as he could, but the tension and anguish still hugged his chest.

"Donghyuck is not answering my texts. Why isn’t he answering my texts?" he let out quickly, nervously passing a hand through his dirty hair.

Taeyong sighed and waved for Mark to sit next to him. Mark hesitated, then climbed onto the bed, advancing on all fours until he found himself sitting against the headboard next to his hyung with his legs bent against his chest. Taeyong looked at his friend as Mark stared stubbornly at his fingers settled on his lap. He turned his head towards his alarm clock and refocused his attention on the youngest.

"Maybe he's doing something else, maybe he doesn’t have his phone with him. It's eight pm, he's probably eating with the other members. Don’t worry Mark," he said in a soothing voice.

"But ... what if something happened to him? He always answers my texts," Mark shyly said.

"Nothing happened to him, he's safe, he's with Kun, trust me when I say he's alright. He's having some time for himself, he doesn’t have to respond to you in the second you know?"

Faced with the lack of response from his friend, he continued slowly.

"You too should take some time for you, Mark. Take advantage of the fact that he does not answer to take care of yourself a little! Treat yourself, do the things you want to do!” he said, putting a paternal hand on his shoulder.

Mark nodded slowly and then whispered, "Yes ... you're probably right hyung. I'm going to wash.” he whispered before he got up and out of the room, heading for the bathroom.

He repeatedly looped his hyung's words in his head as he pulled his towel out of the dryer and suddenly panicked that Donghyuck could respond to his messages when he was in the shower. He then went back to the leader's room to retrieve his cellphone which he had left on the bed but stopped in front of the door frame when he heard and saw Taeyong leaning forward a little, his back bent, nervously biting his nails and placing the phone against his ear.

"Are you sure he's okay Kun?” Silence filled the room for a few seconds. "He ate all his noodles? Great, that's very great. What a relief." Taeyong sighed and lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. "Alright, I'm glad he's doing ok, please take care of him and take care of yourself too. Call me if anything's wrong or if you want to talk ... I love you too, bye Kun."

Mark looked with a fond smile his friend closing his eyes and sliding slowly towards sleep, his breathing deeper and deeper, and then went to shower, without bothering to take his phone with him.

.

"It's cute here."

Donghyuck ran his fingers through the synthetic hair of the chair, letting them gently slide against his skin. His eyes deviated from their board game and he smiled at an orange-eyed grey cat sitting on the couch in front of him. He sighed contentedly, sipped his green tea and advanced his pawn three spaces.

"Really cute, yes," Donghyuck said serenely.

Donghyuck laughed when Renjun made a half-disgusted half-fond grimace when a cat leapt to his knees. He pretended to be annoyed when the cat settled in, deciding that his thighs were the ideal cushion, but his fingers scratching behind the kitten's ears contradicted his scowl.

Renjun moved his pawn in his turn and passed him the dice. He nervously moved the corner of his mouth and his eyes refused to meet Donghyuck’s. He cleared his throat and scratched under the cat’s chin, whose purrs invaded their ears.

"I'm glad you decided to come here with me today."

"I'm happy to be here too."

"Donghyuck I ... thank you. For, you know, not jumping," he said uneasy, "I know it wasn’t for us, but I'm still grateful."

"Why?"

"You already know why. Stop pushing,"  Renjun said, blushing harshly and looking to his right like he’d seen the most interesting thing on earth -even if it was just a cat destroying a board game.

"No I don’t, please tell me Renjun-ah," Donghyuck said teasingly, enjoying his friend's embarrassment.

"We love you alright? You happy now?" Renjun answered, quite irritated.

"What did you say?" he asked with a giggle.

"Oh fuck you, Donghyuck, don’t make me say it twice." This may seem a little harsh for a stranger, but Donghyuck knew that Renjun’s little smile and the glint in his eyes meant more than any words.

No matter how hard it is to conceive it, life goes on. That's why he's in this cat café with Renjun instead of crying in his own bed at the dorm. It seemed unreal and quite foolish to play a game with his friend in such a situation, but it also felt right.

"Jeno would die to come here," Donghyuck sighed while looking around him.

"And we would die trying to bring his numb body back to the dorms. He’d probably sneeze on our faces like, a thousand times. Jesus I don’t even want to think about it." Renjun faked a shudder, and Donghyuck laughed so hard that the cat ran away from Renjun's knees at full speed, glaring at him.

 

But it did not matter, because he was with his friend.

 

.

 

"For real?"

"For real, Mark,” Johnny answered with a smile, letting Jaehyun grab Mark by the arm and lead him to the living-room where Taeyong was already waiting for them.

Mark had been waiting all week for that moment, but now that he was closer than ever, he dreamed of being able to backtrack.

As he leaned against the back of the sofa, Taeyong put a firm but encouraging hand on his shoulder.

"What if I'm bad for him, hyung? What if we're just toxic? What if the two of us just won’t work? What if as soon as I’ll see him, I'll be mad all over again?" he spilt nervously, his eyes fixed on his shoes. He heard Yuta shifting in the couch and looked up at Taeyong, his vision slightly blurred out as tears of tiredness and stress sneakily formed into his eyes. "What if I destroy him hyung?"

"We'll always be there to prevent it from happening Mark," Doyoung said sweetly.

That whole week without him was the epitome of hell, but if he was perfectly honest with himself, the last days were almost ... restful. As soon as he realized how being without Donghyuck had managed to calm him down and alleviate the anguish ball that had taken up residence in his chest since he had learned the truth, he terribly blamed himself. The most important person in his eyes had to go through an experience that no teenager would ever have to go through, having suffered inhumane acts leaving him at the extreme limit of his sanity, yet in a burst of selfishness and from shameful weakness, he felt relieved to be away from him.

He hated himself for that. So much.

On hearing what had been going on behind his back for several months, his brain had ... cracked up. Yes. Cracked up. Totally.

 

Pain, guilt, distress, self-blame.

 

The very fact of imagining how much Donghyuck could have been hurt both mentally and physically, and how badly he had been the worst boyfriend in the world by not helping him, had completely shattered him. He did not feel able to handle such a situation alone, he was too young, too lost and too weak.

But the only thing that mattered at that moment was Donghyuck. He and nothing, nor anyone else, including himself.

Mark had thought a lot during this week.

_Why didn’t Donghyuck tell him anything? Why didn’t he confide in him? At what point did he become so untrustworthy in his eyes?_

Contrary to what he thought, no matter how much their love for each other was strong, their relationship was holding on a thin thread. They were able to jump from a bridge to save the other, to jump on the path of a threatening bullet, to sacrifice what was most important for them and most expensive if it could save the other.

Maybe they loved each other too much. Maybe they loved each other too much to be together.

"Ready?" Taeil asked about to open the door.

 _Ready?_ He probably would never be.

Meeting Donghyuck meant meeting trouble again, anguish and suffering.

Yet when the door of the apartment creaked softly, revealing his friends huddled behind Donghyuck, his blood turned in his whole body in less than a second.

Time had stopped.

Mark was almost certain his heart had abandoned him as his eyes blindly crossed the timeless space that separated him from the person he was inevitably drawn to.

Their eyes met before he even had the time to breathe, and he realized one thing, surely the most important, and the only one that truly matters.

_He missed him._

It was so simple and so obvious, but it was the answer to all his doubts.

Obviously, all their problems were not solved, but the unbearable pain he felt when he was far away from Donghyuck which was already disappearing just by plunging into his eyes, seeming to reflect his own soul, was far more important than the pain and anguish he could feel in assuming his responsibilities.

He would fight for Donghyuck, and for himself.

He stepped forward slowly, not bothering to ask permission from his hyungs, he did not need it anymore.

Everything was clear.

His feet advanced through the gaping chasm he could only hasten to annihilate as if taken from an irrefutable drive. He reached out his arms, his fingers almost feeling his skin, there were only a few miserable centimetres that prevented them from being reunited, but he stopped his impulse, his arms slowly and calmly taking back their place on either side of his body.

_What did Donghyuck want?_

It was not only about him, the lack that tugged at him was not the only thing to take into account. He had no right to make Donghyuck what he wanted, he did not have the right to impose on him his actions and impulses even for the sake of protection.

 

He owed him respect, him more than anyone else in the world.

 

He had to annihilate that annoying and persistent little voice that told him in a corner of his head that he had to take him in his arms and protect him at all costs from the outside world.

Donghyuck was not an object, but a young man, alive and thinking by himself, capable of making his own decisions.

Without a doubt the most wonderful young men on this Earth.

And all his actions of these last days had only done him harm, dragging him each time a little more in the meanders of the gloomy darkness of loneliness, while he was thinking of helping him.

How ironic.

He should and needed to find this calm and confident Mark, this Mark able to respect the person he loves the most in the world to the point of leaving him the choice to leave life without him. He wanted to become that Mark again, but he was not sure he could do it.

And as doubts and uncertainties tugged at him again, he regained his will and determination in Donghyuck's expecting eyes.

 

He was going to become that Mark again, because he had never stopped being that Mark.

 

"I missed you hyung," said Donghyuck calmly, a soft smile on his lips.

Then, he understood Mark's peaceful and respectful attitude and put his hand up to caress his cheek as tenderly as he could, then leaned forward, abandoning himself, to gently join his lips to his. Mark leaned into the touch, closing his eyes and sighing, finally seeming to be released from a monstrous weight. His heart beat again at a normal pace and the world seemed to revive around him, as he perceived the benevolent whispers of their friends. This simple touch filled the gaping hole that his absence had left and filled his soul. Life made sense, and the world was turning again as the sweet, bold scent exquisitely invaded his nostrils in withdrawal. He opened his eyes again to look into the bright ones of his soulmate and pressed his forehead to his.

"I missed you too. More than you could ever imagine."

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday to our sweet Hwang Renjun, let's all be grateful for his angelic voice :D
> 
> This chapter is here to ease the tensions that's why things in the story can seem a bit slow since chapter 10  
> It's also here to explain how Donghyuck and Mark are kind of starting over their relationship on healthy bases  
> This also has an important role in the story in itself because it's turning a page. In the next chapter, new problems are going to be dealt with, new things are going to happen etc
> 
> Did you like it? What did you think of this chapter and what is your opinion on the markhyuck relationship for now? Do you really think they are going to be ok starting from now?  
> What do you think is going to happen? It's been some time that we didn't see Jaedong, Hyunjae and Donghwa, do you miss them? :)))))


	15. Santa Monica Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was co-beta read by Anna and Riley, a round of applause for them please!! Riley almost corrected all of it (bless her) and Anna helped me A LOT because I had a hard time writing this chapter and she helped me to find solutions and it turned out ok! 
> 
> I just want you to know before you read this, that NOTHING that is happening in this chapter is coincidental.

"Fans are going to be worried, you really don’t put me in an easy position, Taeyong."

 

"I'm sorry to put our health before your schedule," he replied with a smile as fake as his apology before returning to sit in the waiting room between Donghyuck and Jisung.

 

Their manager kept going around nervously, the sound of his footsteps echoing in the closed room, bouncing against the walls to invade their minds. Everyone looked at each other in hopes of finding some comfort when a voice suddenly called them from the outside. Taeil hastened to get up and go but was stopped by Jaedong's hand against his chest. Their manager came out in his place and left Taeil with his arms dangling in front of the once again closed door. He giggled with amusement and turned to his friends, an air of false outrage and incredulity adorning his face, an eyebrow exaggeratedly raised in an indescribable grimace that caused general hilarity. But even before he could open his mouth, a doctor entered the room, their three managers and their press officers pitifully trying to catch up.

 

"I guess all of you came for an annual vaccines check-up?" she said with an accomplice smile, knowing perfectly why they were here.

 

Taeyong thanked his lucky star when he recognized the doctor who had taken care of Donghyuck when he broke his wrist.

 

Then he remembered that Donghyuck had broken his wrist and that it was probably not for the reason he had given them at the time.

 

A bitter taste caught in his throat when he met Jaehyun's reassuring gaze in front of him.

 

"Doctor Choi?" asked Donghyuck in a surprised voice.

 

“I’m glad to see you decided to come back Donghyuck. Please come with me. I won’t leave you this time," she said, taking a hand out of the pocket of her blouse and handing it over to him in a silent invitation.

 

Donghyuck did not hesitate and stood up to accept the help he was being offered. She already knew anyway. She had been the first to know.

 

"Maybe ..." shyly started Renjun as they were going to leave the room, “Someone should go with you? Managers think we’re here for vaccines, it will be suspicious if you’re alone, don’t you think so?”

 

"It's a great idea, only if you agree with it Donghyuck. We're going to talk about private things that concern you, do you agree to take someone with you? You're absolutely not obliged, you’re the one who chooses,” the doctor informed him, looking him straight in the eyes, transmitting all her sincerity.

 

"I think it's ok ... who am I going with?" he asked, turning to the leader, who answered him with a frown, surprised.

 

"It's up to you who will go with you, Donghyuck, not up to me."

 

"Oh…"

 

Donghyuck looked around the room, embarrassment taking possession of his features. He would have liked Johnny and Jaehyun to come with him, but he was afraid they would not be able to keep their calm, and that was probably what he needed most for what he was about to show them. He would have liked to take his friends with him, but Jisung and Chenle did not deserve to be confronted with such a scene, and Renjun Jeno and Jaemin would probably never recover from seeing this. Gosh, he wanted to take them all with him. Keeping the truth, the whole truth for himself was too cruel for some of his friends who had no choice but to blame themselves for spilling their anger onto someone, but telling it seemed impossible.

He needed time.

 

"I want Taeil hyung to come with me," he said confidently.

 

His oldest hyung was always taking care of him, and there was not a day that went by without Donghyuck being grateful to him, even though he did not necessarily show it. Taeil would be able to keep his calm and be attentive to what the doctor would say, and he needed him because he didn’t think he was able to listen to anything after this interview.

He turned his head to the doctor who reassured him with a smile.

 

"I want Taeyong hyung and Doyoung hyung too," he said lower as his eyes fell on the boy who was stamping on his chair.

 

Their eyes met, and even if Donghyuck’s heartbeat quickened at the sight of the slight disappointment flying away of those black eyes in just a second, he was immediately reassured when Mark stopped gesticulating and sat back in his seat, smiling tenderly.

 

"I'll wait for you here,” he said tenderly.

 

Donghyuck smiled slightly, which was more like a grimace given the level of tension in his muscles. He sighed, releasing the tension in vain, then stared into Mark's, saying a 'thank you' that did not need to be voiced.

He left the room and tried to look as natural as possible as he passed in front of his managers. As soon as he entered into the examination room, the anguish came back again, gripping his throat, but Doyoung's soft hand slid fondly into his, allowing him to regain an anchorage he desperately needed.

 

Clearly, Doyoung was not going to be able to keep his calm more than Johnny Jaehyun or Yuta. He was probably going to be devastated, and he could not help but show it, but that's also why he wanted him there. The Olympian calm of Taeil was primordial, but the warmth of Doyoung's maternal tenderness was vital to him. He needed to feel loved as he was going to reveal what was probably the most intimate thing in his life.

With a nod, he thanked Taeyong, who was zealously filling the administrative papers the doctor handed to him. His leader curled up in an uncomfortable position so that he could not see what he was writing, but Donghyuck perceived the colour of a check from the corner of his eye. Obviously. Taeyong paid for him without even telling him. He pretended not to see anything to not embarrass him but swore to himself to thank him later.

 

The first part of the session happened in a calm that could have been reassuring if the situation was not so heavy, and Donghyuck found himself daydreaming while the doctor carefully finished his blood test, meticulously labelling the tubes to send them to the lab to be analyzed as discreetly and quickly as possible with the help of one of her colleagues. He had the vague impression of wearing earplugs, and being a child who lets his parents take care of everything. It felt good. To delegate, to not lock himself up and fall under a mountain of insolvent problems anymore.

 

"Donghyuck?" the doctor's voice called him to order.

"Yes?"

"Do you want your friends to leave the room?"

"Why?" he said, frowning. He felt Taeyong's embarrassed look but said nothing.

"I'll have to examine you."

"Oh."

 

The very idea that they could see his body was terrorizing.

The very idea that they could see what had become of him was terrorizing.

The very idea that they could see how embarrassed and shameful he felt, was terrorizing.

 

"I want them to go out."

 

He squeezed his nails into his left arm as he thought hard about the sentence he had just pronounced. The words had burned his tongue. Only when he heard the handle turn and the door open, he did realize.

 

"NO!" he shouted as he got up so fast that he nearly fell back, his eyes opening dramatically. "Please don’t leave."

 

When Taeil approached him again to wrap a comforting arm around his shoulders, he realized that no matter how embarrassing and shameful this exam was, he did not want them to leave. He did not want to be alone again.

Without realizing it, this loneliness had become a routine he was doing mechanically without thinking about it, as Jaedong and Hyunjae had conditioned him to adopt such confinement behaviour.

 

But since his hyungs knew, it was still hard, of course, but they took care of him. He felt loved. He felt safe.

 

And he could stay with Mark again.

 

"I don’t want you to leave, please stay with me."

 

"Always."

 

.

 

The time that passed was frightening. Every minute, every second held a paralyzing power that Kun could not seem to get rid of. Every second that passed increased the probability that Donghyuck would be even more hurt than he thought.

 

_As if it wasn’t enough._

 

"Why didn’t he choose me?" said an angry voice.

 

He raised his exhausted eyes to watch Jaemin sitting across from him, beside Jeno who desperately tried to calm him as Renjun lowered his head guiltily. Arms folded against his chest, his lips clenched, Jaemin looked up confidently, to challenge his friends.

 

"Why didn’t he choose Johnny hyung? Why not Jaehyun hyung? Why didn’t he pick his friends to go through this?” A hesitant silence froze the atmosphere of the room a little more.

 

"What do you mean by that?" Yuta snapped.

 

"Why didn’t he choose people who really love him and who would do everything to help him? Why did he choose the only person who saw his injuries and decided to ignore them? Even worse, who decided to hide them from us!” he spat angrily.

 

"You cannot say that hyung..." Chenle said sadly.

 

"Of course I can say it because that's the fucking truth!" Jaemin finally yelled right into his dongsaeng's face.

 

"No, it's not," Jaehyun finally responded.

 

"Yes, it is! Stop being all chivalrous and shit Jaehyun, I ain’t buying it! Just because you want to fuck Taeyong doesn’t mean that we all have to cope with his shit, it doesn’t mean we should let Donghyuck get hurt because of him!”

 

"Jaemin, enough," Kun growled in a low intimidating voice, "You need to calm down, we'll talk about this later."

 

"But when is later hyung? I want to talk about it now, I want to understand."

 

"You know you can’t blame Taeyong, it's not his fault, he's only trying his best to help."

 

"Well so am I, hyung!" Jaemin cried in frustration as tears prickled in his eyes.

 

The silence was the only way they welcomed Jaemin's declaration, sounding strangely familiar in some of their hearts.

 

"So am I ..." he said more calmly, "I try to be the best friend possible, the friend he deserves to have. I take care of him, I make sure he never misses anything, I desperately try to make sure he is never unhappy again because his happiness should never have been ripped off him. I make sure that we get close again, that he trusts me, that he confides in me, but the truth is, that he won’t even talk to me... " His sentence ended just before he left a stifled sob to escape him. Jaemin leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, not wanting to show his weakness to the others.

 

Everyone seemed to sink deeper into their thoughts as the hateful and deeply sad words of their friend echoed in their hearts. Kun knew that it was impossible to conceive in a reasonable way the words of a traumatized Jaemin like the truth, but a small voice deep inside him could not help but prove him right, no matter how much he strove to shut her up, she kept whistling in his ears that Jaemin was right, no matter how stupid it was. Simply because Kun could not blame anyone for what happened to Donghyuck, and that's precisely why he was angry against the world, including himself.

 

"What is taking them so long ..." he sighed.

 

.

 

"I'm sorry Donghyuck, but that was the only way to tell if your sphincter was broken or not, it's over now."

 

Donghyuck tried to ignore his terrible desire to cry, letting himself be petted by the regular purr of the air conditioner. He ignored the invasive-yet delicate-fingers and focused on Doyoung's hand, firmly anchored in his own. He got up and dressed shamefully, like a dog that had been deprived of his fur, and he felt the heavy glances of his hyungs on his back.

 

The mark was still there.

 

It will always be.

 

It was in a dead silence that he settled on the chair in front of the doctor's desk, between Taeyong and Doyoung, Taeil standing behind him, putting both hands on his shoulders.

 

“I thought that you could have syphilis but it was just a false alarm. There is no sign of HIV or any other sexually transmitted disease. The sphincter is not broken, but you have very serious traumatic lesions in your genitals, they began to become infected, but I did what was necessary. I'm going to prescribe a glycerin trinitrate gel that should relieve you, and you should put ice on it at night until it heals. Otherwise, I'm afraid there is nothing more to do than what I did today, I'll just ask you to clean and disinfect all your wounds every day Donghyuck, including in your back, the ... " she stopped in her tracks when she saw Doyoung flinch. She cleared her throat a little, giving him a brief look at the corner of her eye before continuing, "You are also in severe malnutrition, your blood test has revealed anaemia, nothing too serious, but you will have to take assiduously the vitamins and iron that I will prescribe, you will also have to slow down the pace with work and intense sports. I made you a list of menus to follow at each meal so that you can gradually find a balanced diet. I trust your hyungs to make sure you follow them. If you ever have a problem, you call me Donghyuck,” she sighed before softening, perching slightly above her desk to get closer to them.

 

"When I say the slightest problem, it’s the slightest problem Donghyuck. I'm really proud of you, it took you a lot of courage to tell everything we talked about earlier. You've already told me that therapy is unthinkable given your schedule, but I'm sure it'll do you a lot of good, and that only by healing the torments of your mind you will be able to heal your physical wounds. But if you're sure of yourself ... " she then turned to his friends, and Donghyuck felt that the problems would really start, "I want you to know that I do not want to leave this hospital."

 

"I'm sorry?" he exclaimed, his mouth open in a perfect round shape.

 

"As a doctor, it would be a failure to let an abused child walk back into danger. Taeyong introduced himself as your trusted person, so I will not call your parents, but I must have the guarantee that you are no longer in danger Donghyuck, and for that, the best way would be for you to tell me who- "

 

_Jisung._

 

"No. Out of the question."

 

"Then give me a guarantee that it will not start again. Or else I call the police immediately. "

 

"I thought you were bound to medical secrecy."

 

"Not at the point of non-assistance to a person in danger."

 

For the first time, he stared at her angrily. If the police intervened, everything would become more complicated, much more complicated. Netizens, fans, journalists, the tabloids, judges, lawyers, trials, false accusations, corrupts, cells, Jisung, Renjun, Chenle, Jeno, Jaemin, Mark.

"Please, I beg you not to call them. My hyungs will always be with me, nothing will ever happen again, they protect me now. "

 

Doyoung bitterly remarked that the ‘now’ was hurtful but screaming the truth.

 

"I don’t want to call them, and if I want to leave, I can, you can’t hold me back."

 

"I admit it, you're right," she said, raising her hands in defeat. "But please, just make sure you'll stay safe Donghyuck."

 

"Don’t worry, I have seventeen bodyguards now," he half-laughed, his iconic sneaky smile spreading unusually shyly on his face.

 

"I'm glad to hear it."

 

She beamed at him fondly, walking them to the door, a weight heavy in her chest when she realised she was probably committing the worst mistake of her career.

 

.

 

"He loves you, you know?"

 

Jaemin snapped out of his fake sleep to look at the raven-haired boy sat on the floor in front of him.

 

"Uh?"

 

"Donghyuck. He loves you. With all his heart. You too Renjun, you too, Jeno. He loves you all. You just have to find some strength in you to give him time. Don’t make the same mistake as me, don’t lose yourself on the way,” Mark told them calmly, squatting in front of them and looking at each of their eyes, placing a firm hand on Jaemin's lap.

 

“Wow, hyung.”

 

“What is it Renjun?”

 

“You still give advice that looks like it’s taken from a thirteen years old emo girl’s blog, I guess you really feel better now.”

 

Mark raised his fist, faking a threat which earned him some laughs from his friends. Except from one of them who didn’t feel good enough to share their short moment of bliss.

 

“You just need to give him time.”

 

"How much time?" Jeno muttered, his eyes stubbornly looking down at his shoes.

 

.

 

"Where is he? I thought he was with you!” hissed Taeyong quite nervously.

"He was there a second ago, I swear!" Johnny defended himself.

 

Taeyong grabbed his red hair with both hands and turned on himself, making his head spin as he tried to analyze their surroundings without much success, panic narrowing his field of vision.

Jaehyun gently placed a light but firm hand on his back then pushed him forward. They both strode together, their heart rate accelerating a little more each time they passed a room. Behind the advertising signs, behind the rows of armchairs, in the toilets, everywhere.

 

Can’t find him.

 

They were sure they had passed the security check together, Winwin had tried to carry Donghyuck’s suitcase in addition to his own and had ended up falling at the feet of the security guards, in a strangely graceful position, a suitcase twice as big as him flattening him.

 

And Donghyuck was laughing.

 

But as he walked through the waiting room with the constant touchdowns and takeoffs on the other side of the window as background music, Taeyong could only watch the world spinning around them. He saw from the corner of his eye Taeil trying to calm the members who were beginning to suspect that something was wrong. He saw Mark asking nervously but politely to people if he had not seen him, and he saw Jaehyun collapse on an armchair, hiding his face with his hands.

 

And he couldn’t do anything.

 

He didn’t know what to do.

 

But he had to do something.

 

So he ran.

 

He ignored Taeil who called him, and he ran.

 

He couldn’t continue to abandon Donghyuck as he had done in recent months, he could not afford it.

He would never forgive himself if something happened to him again.

By his fault.

 

The air conditioning froze his throat, making it slightly painful. People looked at him like he was a madman escaped from the asylum, and that's surely what he must look like.

 

But it did not matter when he ran into a duty-free shop and saw Donghyuck next to their dance trainer.

 

Donghyuck's eyes widened when he recognized his hyung, and his drawn and uncomfortable features relaxed gradually. Taeyong didn’t give him the time to utter a word and wrapped him in his arms, locking him in a cocoon of which only he had the key, protecting him desperately from the outside world. Relief mixed with anxiety anchored his feet to the ground and held his arms tightly around the youngest. He felt Donghyuck's muscles stiffen but he was unable to let go. He ran a trembling hand through his hair and rested his head against his chest, before placing a nervous kiss on top of his skull.

 

"Are you alright hyung?" Donghyuck asked weakly.

 

And while Taeyong was completely petrified, as he felt the tears come to his eyes, as he felt his heart pounding against his skin, Donghyuck relaxed and put his arms around the back of his hyung, getting even closer of him by joining the embrace, as if Taeyong’s panic had been enough to guess what was the reason for it.

 

"I'm ok, hyung, I'm alright," he whispered against Taeyong's crumpled shirt.

"You seem happy to see us Taeyong! I was showing to Donghyuck this amazing rice cooker I saw the other day, I thought it might be useful for you all, buddies. What do you think?” cheekily exclaimed Donghwa with a silly smile.

 

Taeyong looked at him suspiciously over Donghyuck's shoulder, still in his arms, the strangely joyful man not inspiring him any confidence.

 

"I think that we should get back with the others."

 

.

 

"Thank god you're here, the boarding starts in two minutes. Is he ...? "

 

They were greeted by a Taeil at the edge of burnout. His condition could easily be explained by the nervous and disordered horde that was moving in an immeasurable leap just behind his back. His tired eyes, dark circles, and hollow cheeks tarnished his beautiful face and gave him five more years that only some rest could give back. Unfortunately, rest wasn’t in their plans before a very long time.

 

"He's alright, don’t worry. Thank you for keeping them," he replied calmly as Donghyuck tentatively got closer to him, hiding behind his back, feeling the curious but relieved eyes of his friends on him.

"I tried my best," Taeil sighed as Doyoung strangled Johnny behind him.

 

Taeyong offered him a sincerely apologetic smile and hastily separated the two animals. Donghyuck took the opportunity to collect his belongings. He put away the log of crosswords Donghwa had bought for him, took out his passport and boarding pass and put his bag on, his rubbing and weight on his still-open wounds causing him a spike of unpleasant pain in his back, which he exteriorized with a brief grimace. A hostess validated his ticket and wished him a good trip, but he was too lost in his thoughts to thank her.

As he walked down the narrow hallway leading to the plane, as he had done hundreds of times before, he felt his breath cut, his heart rate accelerated, and he could have sworn to see the walls slowly getting closer to him. His head felt like it was caught under a burning screech, and the deafening sound of the airplanes made his ears whistle annoyingly.

His troubles dispelled when he felt calloused fingers lightly brush the palm of his right hand. The sharp, vivid pain in his back went missing, and Mark doubled past him, hastened his pace, respectfully bowed to the captain, and carried both of their bags on his back, which gave him a ridiculous allure. Donghyuck smiled, softened by the simple yet incredibly thoughtful gesture of his boyfriend, a gentle, comforting warmth invading his stomach as Yuta mocked his red cheeks.

 

What could he do? He was desperately in love with Mark Lee.

 

With a softened heart, he stepped forward to the huge plane but stopped for a moment when Jaehyun told him to watch his step. He smiled as a ‘thank you’ for the delicate attention, then climbed into the device, the deafening noise hitting him forcefully one last time before it became no more than a purring background noise, stifled by the cabin of the plane. He greeted the pilot with a nod and pulled the ticket out of his passport to check his place one last time, but Johnny took it from his hands to look at it himself. Donghyuck frowned as his hyung explained where his place was before returning his ticket.

 

He already took the plane before, he wasn’t retarded.

 

He grumbled a quick thank you anyway, and then as he went on his way, Doyoung tied the laces of his shoes -which had to be undone without him noticing.

 

_What. The actual. Fuck._

 

Although the gesture was only full of good intentions, he felt a fit of bubbling anger climb inside him, warming his skin and preventing him from thinking clearly. The old Donghyuck would surely have exploded by now, but he restrained himself and took his place next to Mark, not without grumbling and then abruptly removed his foot from the grip of Doyoung, who looked at him with wide eyes, mouth slightly ajar.

 

He felt bad for being mean to his hyung who only wanted his good, but his burning anger slowly turning into rage prevented him from apologising.

He dropped his full weight on his chair, surely in a dramatic move to signal to the world his anger, but he realized his stupidity when the pain sneaked back on his back.

He repressed a grimace as Mark turned his attention away from the porthole to look at him, frowning, concern being clear on his face.

 

Stupid, perfect Mark Lee says nothing.

 

He just switched off the lights and cut the ventilation over Donghyuck's head, the latter wincing when he realized that Mark had probably just remembered that he had once told him that the air conditioning made him sick. His whole body screamed at him that it was impossible to get upset at his perfect boyfriend, but he cracked under the staring eyes Mark kept throwing at him.

 

"I'm sick of it!" he finally exploded.

 

Mark looked at him calmly, no trace of surprise readable on his face, as if he was only waiting for the moment Donghyuck would decide to speak. He turned his body to sit slightly crooked, only one leg in his seat, facing Donghyuck’s profile.

Donghyuck was fuming at him, looking straight ahead, probably trying to pierce the front seat with the only force of his look.

 

"What makes you angry?" he asked in a voice that was calm but not pushy.

"Everything!" Donghyuck said, turning his head to look at Mark with imploring eyes.

 

He didn’t know how to explain. He couldn’t explain. Everything had angered him so much in the last few days, that he felt as if he had replaced his constant state of fear and sadness with that anger that was eating his guts.

And very honestly, he doubted that it was better.

 

"I'm sick of everyone treating me like I'm a child," he said to him more gently.

 

Mark frowned and fumbled awkwardly in his seat.

 

"The thing is, Donghyuck, that with what happened ..."

 

"I know what happened, thank you very much, I was there,” he snapped in a snarky tone.

 

Mark's jaw muscles tightened violently so that Donghyuck could see them through the brown-haired boy’s hollowed cheeks, and he felt immediately guilty in front of his boyfriend's downcast eyes. But he did not remove any of his words.

 

"I get that you guys just want to protect me, and I really appreciate that, but I'm not-" _weak._

 

He stopped himself in his tracks and scoffed when he thought about what he was going to say.

 

_Stop being ridiculous Haechan, of course you're weak._

 

"There are some things that I can do without your assistance, like dressing up or finding my own place in a fucking plane!" He cringed at the use of the swear word but it didn’t seem to affect Mark that much. “I just don’t want that me telling you things implies you treating me like a four year old, because, because… that’s not how I’m going to get better,” he murmured, his anger calming down a bit, just by telling Mark.

 

_Maybe talking isn’t so bad._

 

Neither spoke for a moment, Mark settled back in his seat, back against the back of the chair, and Donghyuck watched Taeyong count the members several times, making sure three times that everyone was on board, Taeil vainly trying to make him sit in his place.

 

"Taeyong was worried about you," said Mark softly, who seemed to have caught the direction of his gaze. He cleared his throat, driving away embarrassment, and confessed, "I was worried about you."

 

Donghyuck turned his head to the right to fall right into Mark's eyes, those eyes that had always been so expressive, or at least, that he had always been able to decipher. The fear, the insecurity and the doubt that swirled in those eyes he loved so much made his heart jump -which took a long time to recover. They reminded him that Mark was indeed a human being, that he was not perfect, and that he was probably even more afraid than he was.

 

"I'm sorry. I really am."

“Don’t. Just- Be careful next time. If you want to go somewhere, just warn one of us before leaving because of that fear, that dread… it’s stronger than me Donghyuck! As soon as you’re out of my sight, I can’t help but imagine the worst scenarios. It’s not your fault, and I should probably be less tense because I don’t want you to feel oppressed by me but, I’m afraid Donghyuck, constantly afraid that something might happen to you. So please, be kind and ease a little that fear in my heart by talking to us alright?”

 

Donghyuck stroked Mark's hollow cheeks and joined their foreheads, looking him in the eyes.

 

"Of course I will. I'm sorry love. I won’t forget next time. But please, don’t hurt yourself too much because of me.” Mark closed his eyes and nodded, the friction of his forehead against Donghyuck’s producing a comforting warmth. Mark kissed his forehead before returning to his seat, grabbing one of Donghyuck's hands in his and mingling their fingers, his eyes not leaving those of the other. He smiled at him kindly, and Donghyuck felt his stomach twitch with happiness.

 

"As for others, try to forgive them,  give them time. They don’t really know how to handle the situation."

 

"Me neither," Donghyuck said half-heartedly, a spiteful smile stretching the corner of his mouth weakly.

 

_Nobody knows._

 

"I'm sorry for, you know, getting mad at you," he said, his eyes fixed on his fingers intertwined with Mark's, resting serenely on the armrest.

 

"Don’t be. I'm glad you did. It's our first real argument for a while. I missed it. I'm glad you talk to me about what's bothering you, I'm glad we can talk about what's bothering us, about what's wrong,” he said cautiously.

 

"I am too," Donghyuck murmured, a sincere smile on his lips. "I'm not sleeping well these days hyung, maybe that's why I get angry ... faster I guess," Donghyuck shrugged his shoulders to punctuate his sentence which only accentuated Mark's frown.

 

"You should come to me when you can’t sleep."

 

"I don’t want to bother you."

 

"You never bother me." Donghyuck rolled his eyes at his boyfriend who was once again completely sappy.

 

"Oh really?" he said with an underlining mocking tone, an eyebrow up.

 

"Ok, maybe you do sometimes," laughed Mark, getting closer to him. "But never for things like this."

 

He disentangled their hands, which earned him a sulky pout from Donghyuck to which he replied with a tender laugh. He pulled up the armrest separating them, and rummaged through the pocket of the seat in front of him, to pull out the blanket that was provided to them. He activated the screen in the seat facing him and started a film of some kind as a background image, then turned to Donghyuck, who looked at him as if seriously evaluating the possibility of sending him to the asylum. He could not stop a smile from clinging to his lips, and unfolded the blanket, covering them both. He put an arm behind Donghyuck's back, careful not to hurt him, and put his hand on his hip, bringing him closer to him. The youngest understood the message and snuggled against him, placing his head on Mark’s left shoulder and a hand on his chest, squeezing it around his white shirt. Mark pulled the blanket with his right hand and kissed Donghyuck's hair.

 

"Try to sleep babe, we have at least ten hours ahead of us."

 

Donghyuck let a sound from his the back of his throat answer him and closed his eyes, Mark's heat acting like a terribly effective sleeping pill. While everything was fuzzy around him, he vaguely thought he heard Taeyong settle on his left. A smile sneaked over his lips as he thought back to his discussion with Mark. At least things were getting better between them.

 

He fell asleep before the takeoff.

 

.

 

Donghyuck walked with Mark. The setting sun gave them an idyllic setting and a heat that he would have usually found soft, but he perceived it as suffocating at this moment, without knowing why. Mark's black hair tangled with the wind that was maliciously lifting a few strands out of his bandana. His sincere smile relieved Donghyuck's spirit as he paused and turned to look at his boyfriend in the eye. Sweetness, tenderness, affection, love ...

 

No doubt, it was Mark.

 

When he asked him why he was staring at him so oddly, Donghyuck just laughed and laid a kiss as stealthy as a breeze on Mark's lips. The latter smiled again but could not help but blush and stammer that he was going to get them ice cream.

 

Donghyuck watched him walk away, a smile on his face, and his heart more peaceful than ever. He looked down at his feet and moved them into the fine sand, sliding it between his toes. He laughed at his own childish gesture without really knowing why, euphoria taking a full place in his soul. The tall, wind-blown grasses seemed to be in harmony as they all produced the sound of friction that strangely resembled one of the waves just behind him.

They were calm, relaxing, perfect.

 

He made sure that Mark was still in his sight, and waved his hand to him, to which he responded with enthusiasm.

But the smile, which he had even forgotten he had attached to his lips like a virus, crumbled and fell from his face as if his body had realized how strange and foreign the gesture was to him.

 

Jisung and Chenle’s laughter rose in the air and rushed into his ears, preventing him from concentrating on anything else.

 

He was there.

 

With them.

 

Oh no.

 

No ... no, no, no, no, NO!

 

In his haste, he fell face down, the sand stealing unpleasantly into his nostrils and into his mouth, making his breathing difficult. His knees were bleeding, their fragile skin flayed by the aggressive grains and his feet sinking into their insidious heat.

He didn’t have time to feel sorry for himself. He got up and ran towards them, the heat increasing his heart rate and oppressing his chest, his breathing becoming more and more laborious. He stood in front of his dongsaengs in a protective way, protecting them with his arms. The laughter went out and the sound of the waves invaded his ears again. They were stronger, more incisive, more violent.

 

"Is anything wrong Haechan-ah?"

 

Him.

 

Always him.

 

Him and his lustful eyes.

 

Him and his disgusting smell.

 

Him and his harassing hands.

 

Him and his wicked smile.

 

Him and his coldness.

 

Panicked at the look at which he had become unable to stand up, he turned to call Mark for help.

The wind stirred and entangled the tall grass in random directions and made the sand fly into his eyes. The wind ruthlessly beat up his face, whipping his skin and plugging his ears. Donghyuck tried to protect his eyes with his arm as the terror that lay in his bowels awoke to slowly invade his entire body, to climb up to his head.

 

Mark was not there.

 

Mark is not there.

 

The ocean was raging and every second that passed it seemed to get a little more excited, like a roaring sentence in the distance that inexorably approached him. A hand gripping his wrist made him jump and turn to his attacker.

Jisung and Chenle need to get out of here right now.

 

"Guys, what are you waiting for? Run!" he shouted, panic having already coiled comfortably around his mind.

"Why would we run away hyung?"

"He won’t hurt us."

"You're the only one who deserves to be punished."

"You deserve this hyung. We don’t."

 

Donghyuck looked at his friends with disbelief and screamed in pain when the hold on his wrist became more threatening. The hold that shut itself around him and made him suffocate. His jaw shook uncontrollably as he met the satisfied looks and smug smiles of Jisung and Chenle. Tears flowed silently down his cheeks, a sob trapping his throat but seeming unable to come out, shock and surprise dominating all his other reflexes. The icy breath of the man spread from his neck to his entire body, the terrorizing cold incapacitating all his muscles. He fell to the ground, his back hitting with force the burning hot sand. The dark grey sky threatened him with murderous rumblings. Or maybe it was the waves.

 

The three people were circling him, their mocking heads just above his traumatized eyes.

 

"Why would we run away hyung?" Jisung said again, snickering.

"This is all your fault."

"We didn’t do anything, why would he attack us?"

"You provoked him."

"He only did you a favour."

"He's trying to discipline you."

"Even if there is no hope left for someone like you."

 

Tears mixed with sand burned his cheeks, and his voice, barely louder than a whisper, angrily asked, "What did you do to them?" he spat.

 

"Me?" _he_ said, putting his hands on his chest in an exaggerated gesture feigning surprise. "Nothing! They are just ... "

 

_Telling the truth._

 

He closed his eyes to try to swallow this conclusion, which was far too much like these thoughts he refused to have.

But when he opened them again, relief flooded into him as Mark came into his field of vision.

Air re-entered his lungs, and he held out a hand for Mark to help him get up and take him away. Very far from here.

 

Mark rushed to him, making the sand fly because of his rushed steps.

 

He reached out a hand to grab his, and he wrapped his fingers around his, surrounding him with his warmth, he was finally safe.

 

He hugged his fingers hard.

Very hard.

 

"Mark?" Donghyuck confusedly asked in a tiny voice.

 

Mark only responded with a smirk, and he crushed his knuckles.

Donghyuck barely had time to realize what was happening to him as Mark twisted his wrist, breaking it, the ominous sound of bone breaking under the pressure in his ears.

An almost animal cry of pure pain tore the air, and Donghyuck thought he was going to faint, his vision troubling dangerously.

Mark grabs him by the collar. His head swung back in a disturbing movement.

 

He couldn’t focus.

 

“Did you really think I was going to help you? Oh, my dear, dear naïve Donghyuck.” He said in a honeyed voice, caressing his cheek, getting his face closer to his. “Why? Why would you think such a thing? Oh no, don’t tell me… oh yes, that’s it. You think I love you.” A disturbing sweet smile crept on his face, the mere look of such an evil expression on Mark’s face freaking Donghyuck out. “That’s kind of cute. But tell me Donghyuck,” he said, feigning incomprehension. All traces of a smile gone from his face, he leaned in closer, eyes harsh and as cold as the ice, he whispered, “Why would I love a slut like you?”

 

Donghyuck felt his heart shatter into a million pieces.

His head exploded from too many thoughts, a dull aching pain holding every single muscle, every single part, every single cell of his body.

 

And his soul tore in half.

 

"Yeah! You're right, Mark hyung! "

"Well said, hyung!"

"You're really the best, hyung!”

"You shouldn’t stay with specks of dirt like him!"

"I'm proud of you, Mark,” the man said, putting a hand on the boy's shoulder.

 

Their shadows overhung Donghyuck who felt like falling backwards when Mark's hand gave up his collar.

But instead of hitting the ground as he had expected, his limbs floated and salted water stung his eyes, when a wave of an unreal size came out of the ocean above the people in front of him, to engulf him in a prisoner embrace.

Water seeped into his lungs when he tried to call Mark for help, his legs and arms flapping desperately to reach a surface that didn’t exist.

And as his muscles stopped obeying him, as a monstrous headache crushed his last coherent thoughts, as his vision narrowed to black, he saw the satisfied faces of the people he loved.

 

When he died.

 

.

 

"Donghyuck."

 

Donghyuck opened his eyes sharply and instantly felt his heart pounding against his chest. His breathing was fast but not annoyingly noisy, and he inhaled enough air to catch his senses and discern Mark's face in front of him. Frowning, he seemed to be about to say something, but he closed his mouth, and his frown worsened a little more. Mark waved away his hair that clung to his forehead, and it was only then that Donghyuck noticed how warm he was under the blanket, a thin film of sweat covering his body. He threw it to the ground with a kick, which caused a stifled laugh from Mark.

 

With a quick glance, he noticed that all the portholes were closed and that Taeyong was sleeping soundly to his left, his air conditioning to the maximum and directed straight to where Donghyuck's neck had been a few seconds ago.

 

“We’ve been  in the plane for five hours now, I didn’t want to wake you, but we need to walk a bit, it’s not good to stay seated this long,” Whispered Mark, being careful not to wake up the other passengers and Donghyuck nodded in understanding and got up, passing by a still-asleep Taeyongl. He took the opportunity to cut his air conditioning with a dry gesture, a small sound of annoyance leaving his mouth. He slalomed between the corridors, avoiding the passengers as best he could. He was about to advance to the second class when Mark-who was following him closely-slipped his fingers into the palm of his right hand, intermingling their hands.

 

Donghyuck stopped, widened his eyes and looked around them quickly to check if anyone had seen them, even though the first-class travellers were mostly members of the group and their staff.

The gesture, simple and so pure, almost childish, still wrung with happiness his insides even after more than a year of relationship.

 

"Why don’t you keep going?" Mark asked, stroking his right shoulder.

 

He turned to him in a nervous movement, his feet changing position too quickly for it to be natural. "We can’t go in there like that! What if people see us?” he asked in a rushed voice, dropping the honorific.

 

"If they see us, they'll just see two close friends holding hands. I don’t know what could be wrong with that.” Donghyuck could already see scandal headlines, fans lashing out at fanfiction websites and all the insults they might receive, and bit his lower lip, tearing off a few pieces of dead skin. Mark stopped him by putting a finger on his lip, pulling it down to pull it out of his threatening teeth, pouting. Donghyuck laughed at his face so expressive, his doubts flying away one after the other. After all, Mark was there, nothing serious could happen to him. "Everyone is sleeping anyway." And that was the last argument that ended up convincing Donghyuck who let himself give up to the temptation.

 

He went through the curtains to reach the second class, almost chuckling like a child about to play a joke, and he laughed at his own stupidity. He was excited by simply walking hand-in-hand with his boyfriend who was not even next to him but behind him.

 

Pathetic.

 

His grin slowly fell from his face as this thought crossed his mind, and he forced himself to step up and lift his shoulders so Mark could not guess what he was thinking.

Because Mark is so good at this.

And no matter how much he feels himself floating in happiness with that hand in his, no matter how fast his heart beats when he feels an innocent caress on his back, no matter how much he shudders when he hears words whispered deeply in his ear, no matter how helpful 'talking' has been, there are some things he still doesn’t feel able to share.

And others that he doesn’t want to share.

His thoughts, his emotions, as destructive and dangerous as they were, were personal and constantly saying what he thinks to other people just feels ... wrong. It feels like they are watching what he's thinking.

 

And his mind is the only place where he can still be free.

 

Hundreds of eyes are constantly focused on him and his every move, on his personal life, on his relationships.

 

_On his body._

 

He cannot afford to lose the last thing that still makes him a human being.

 

His free will.

 

If he doesn’t want to say anything to the journalists, he doesn’t say anything to the journalists. If he doesn’t want to say anything to the hyungs, he doesn’t say anything to the hyungs. If he doesn’t want to tell Mark, he doesn’t say anything to Mark.

 

_But Mark has the right to know ..._

 

And the others too.

 

_But I have the right not to tell them._

 

This is maddening, but it doesn’t matter at all, because he doesn’t even have free will anymore.

When he said no, Hyunjae still hurt him. When he said no, Jaedong still touched him.

They took it away from him.

 

Looks like he's not even human anymore.

 

He winced as he tried to smile at the hostess who offered him biscuits, and his sweaty hand slipped out of Mark's.

 

If Mark noticed, he made no comment.

 

.

 

"This is amazing!" Yuta shouted out loud, his voice echoing through the landscape, "Sicheng, come with me!" he quickly said, taking Sicheng's hand and forcing him to run to the sea, their feet sinking into the sand.

 

Donghyuck helped Doyoung and Taeil to install the umbrellas, he listened to them talking about the landscape. He left them alone and stood a little apart, stretching his arms and his hands up as if trying to catch the sun. His spine creaked and he sighed contentedly, instantly feeling less tense. He closed his eyes and felt his face warm up under the rays of the sun, the wind gently caressing his skin and he felt the salty smell of the sea, the sound of waves washing up on the beach relaxing him deeply. He felt good.

 

Relieved. It was the first word that came to his mind.

 

He still had so much to handle. He wasn’t out of this mess, and Jaedong and Hyunjae were still there, but Donghyuck felt good.

He finally felt some positive emotions after those weeks feeling empty, numb, or sinking into pain. These incessant round trips between complete numbness and stifling pain had almost killed him, but talking to his friends had taken a weight off his shoulders. He didn’t have to make so much effort to keep his secret from them, and even if he wasn’t telling them everything, it greatly simplified his life.

And... they watched over him.

Donghyuck would even begin to believe that he deserves all the attention they have for him.

Feeling loved and supported by his loved ones didn’t solve all his problems, but it was a great help to keep moving forward.

 

He felt arms around his waist and a chest sticking to his back. He didn’t have to turn around to find out who it was. He stroked his belly over his t-shirt with his thumb, drawing soothing circles.

Donghyuck laughed silently hearing Taeyong trying to make Johnny understand that "no, a chocolate bar is not a balanced meal."

 

Mark put his head on his shoulder and turned to look at him for a long time. Donghyuck tried not to pay attention to him but ended up smiling when he noticed Mark's silly smile out of the corner of his eye.

 

"Stop looking at me, hyung," he whined, turning his eyes away to look at Jaehyun and Doyoung who tried to feed the seagulls.

"I can not, my dear, you're too mesmerizing, my love, how could I turn my eyes away from you? Shall I just look away? I’m afraid I can’t, it will tear away my heart and my soul!"

"Oh geez stop that Mark!" he laughed, pushing Mark's face away.

 

The older's smile went softer. Mark took his head off his shoulder.

 

"Donghyuck, please look at me," he almost whispered.

 

Donghyuck did what was asked of him, and was captivated by Mark's dark eyes. It's as if he told him that everything would be fine, that he was there for him, that he loved him, without even pronouncing a single word. Donghyuck felt important, intelligent, funny, admirable, and so much more. Adjectives that he didn’t think of associating with himself one day, but which made sense when he was in Mark's arms. He felt his heart quicken and he swallowed loudly, too nervous about the amount of love he was receiving.

 

"You're beautiful."

 

He felt his cheeks blush without him being able to control him and he hoped with all his heart that Mark had not noticed him, because they had been dating for a year, and blushing for that is really lame. Unfortunately for him, Mark was too observant for such detail to escape him, and his smile widens seeing the reaction of the youngest. He leaned down to kiss his strangely warm cheek, then rested his chin on his shoulder, with a long exhalation.

 

Donghyuck is beautiful. And if he can’t see it himself, he’ll just tell it to him all over again until he finally believes it.

 

“I can’t believe we’re here.”

“What do you mean?” asked Mark.

“We’re actually here, we made it! I mean…” Donghyuck looked around him and stopped his look on Yuta trying to push Doyoung into the sea, “It feels so much like an accomplishment, we made it to the States, hyung. We actually have fans living here, isn’t that amazing? That people from another country are fan of our music?”

"I know," Mark tightened his arms around his waist, "I'm grateful. I'm so glad that I made it with you. I'm grateful to all of you. We made it together. "

"I know right? This is amazing ... "

 

He didn’t really know why he was so emotional all of sudden, but it felt like all the hardships they went through as a team wasn’t for nothing. He felt proud of them, for sticking up together even when it wasn’t always easy for them when things were uncertain and when they thought they were just going to be another flop group, but here they are, all together, at Santa Monica’s beach, enjoying the sun and the sea before going back to the hotel. It seemed surreal; it felt like one of his childhood dreams became true, and not the realistic ones, but more like the ‘I want to travel through the universe’ ones. He still didn’t know how he was able to make it, but he did, and he had a team and a wonderful boyfriend with him.

 

He felt proud of himself.

 

.

 

"I don’t know ok? I just don’t like it. "

 

Taeyong frowned and forced himself to look away from Donghwa. Their dance instructor was splashing water at their make up artist. What bothered Taeyong was that he gravitated around Donghyuck. It must have been thirty minutes since the three were playing beach volleyball in the water, and Taeyong hated it.

 

“He looks alright to me. Don’t be so tensed up, if it was him, Donghyuck probably wouldn’t look so relaxed and happy.”

“Oh really? How can you know that, Yuta? Maybe you didn’t notice, but I think Donghyuck proved to us that he was quite a good actor.”

 

That sounded harsh. _Too harsh._

 

Taeyong closed his eyes and sighed, letting the wind lift his hair. His head was sheltered from the sun by the umbrella, but the heat that reflected on the sand began to become really annoying.

Of course, he felt guilty for talking to Yuta in such a way, but he didn’t feel the need to apologize, his friend had probably already guessed that he was upset and mad at himself. Yuta had always been like that. Patient, calm and attentive.

He may look cold or aggressive when you don’t know him, his sharp features don’t help him to look sweeter, nor does the scowl often present on his forehead.

As time went on, Yuta turned out to be the group member with the biggest heart. Everything in his little gestures showed the love he didn’t openly express -except to the infamous exception called Dong Sicheng.

Taeyong had often wondered if one day he could gather the same courage as Yuta did. He moved to another country, worked hard and put his own problems aside to help others.

 

The answer was obvious.

 

Yuta is a force of nature.

 

"Look, Yong. Even if it's him, we can’t know for sure, so it's useless to turn into super suspicious mode every time you see him approach Donghyuck,” Yuta laid down on his towel and used his arms like a pillow, adopting the ‘vacationer's position’ as Johnny said, "Trust me. My sixth sense is telling me that it's not him, nope, no red flags, nothing at all, we're safe."

 

Taeyong winced and laid on his side to turn his back on the laughs of his friend and staff. Frowning and his mouth pinched, he murmured in a deep voice,

 

"Whatever, I still don’t like him."

 

.

 

The afternoon swept past, their days of rest always seeming miraculously ten times shorter than all the others.

 

"Did you guys see Donghyuck?" asked Johnny, frowning in confusion when he got out of the sea to join his friends under the umbrella.

 

He shook his hair with his towel, drying it quickly, and sat down to take the time to catch his breath, the warmth and the swimming he had done making every breath a little more complicated.

He closed his eyes and shook his head in a desperate gesture when he perceived the lost looks of his friends, the drips falling off his chin.

 

"Jaehyun?"

 

"He was with Mark a second ago."

 

"Then how do you explain that?" said Winwin, pointing a finger at a single silhouette coming to them.

 

"Guys! Feels good to be here right? Did you see Donghyuck? I have to give him this," he smiled, pointing at the ice cream in his right hand.

 

"What? What is it?” His smile disappeared when he saw their faces slowly falling down. Jaehyun was already up searching around them for the tan boy. Taeyong had his phone out in a second, quickly dialling a number with shaky fingers. Taeil moved away from the group to ask some of the staff if they hadn’t seen their youngest.

 

"What the hell happened?" Mark screamed, getting more and more panicked as his friends' behaviours meant nothing else but trouble.

 

Winwin got up and put his hands on his shoulders, kindly trying to soothe him, but no matter how gentle he was and how nice his intention was, it didn’t work one bit, it just worried him even more.

 

"We thought he was with you Mark," Yuta carefully said.

 

"Are you kidding me? Are we doing the whole airport episode all over again? What kind of sick joke is that?” spat Johnny as Mark started to hyperventilate, Winwin desperately trying to help him.

 

"We're terrible at this. We need help."

 

They all went silent when the Doyoung said the words they all knew but didn’t want to believe.

What kind of friends were they…

 

"He's not responding to his phone," blurred out Taeyong, biting his nails nervously. Yet, he tried to call again. No response.

 

"Shit."

 

"I don’t like this at all," said Yuta darkly, gritting his teeth.

 

Before they could move, Jaehyun came back to them furiously, the sun setting behind him, accentuating his menacing look. He did not stop and did not doubt for a second before pushing Mark, pouring his anger on him.

 

"He was supposed to be with you!"

 

"Am I dreaming right now? You have the nerve to tell me that? He was supposed to be with you! He wanted to talk to you about your singing!” spat Mark, pushing Jaehyun back, his breathing getting better as the anger that filled him was there to keep him alive.

 

"You should have accompanied him until he was safe with us."

 

"Fucking Christ, Jaehyun, he's not a dog!"

 

"Well, you better-"

 

"Guys enough! Do you really think this is helping now?” growled Taeil in a deep authoritarian voice, “We have to find him first, we'll discuss later. Hyunjae said that when she last saw him, he was walking towards the east. Now I hope I'm making myself clear enough for you to understand. I don’t want to hear a word until we find him. You’re obviously not able to put your worry aside, so you’ll both say things you’ll regret later. We'll deal with your childishness once and for all when he’ll be safe."

 

Nobody dared speak anymore, and Taeil took the lead, the friends quickly heading for the streets of Santa Monica as night fell on the city. The speeding cars were enough to bring out the worst scenarios in Doyoung's head. He imagined against his will how scared Donghyuck must be, unable to communicate with people around him. In front of him, Taeyong silently slipped his fingers between Jaehyun’s who seemed to hold back his tears of frustration, his red eyes betraying him. Taeil hugged Mark's shoulder firmly but kindly, in a wordless support as Sicheng played with Mark's fingers, in a pitiful attempt to deflect his attention.

Mark already felt guilty for his outburst on the beach, but his hyungs’ support made him feel even worse. They weren’t supposed to be kind to him. They shouldn’t be.

He got mad again.

He didn’t manage to control his feelings enough to prevent his worries, and his anxiety to turn into anger. He felt like a disappointment, he felt like the whole week he spent away from Donghyuck and all the improvements he made were completely destroyed. He felt like he betrayed his hyungs’ trust.

 

“I’m sorry, hyung.”

 

“I know. It’s ok. Jaehyun has some responsibility as well for what happened.”

 

“I’m still sorry.”

 

He walked in silence and shuddered slightly when the night made the air way colder than it was during the afternoon.

 

“I just want all of this to end,” he whispered to Taeil.

 

Doyoung knew where this was going when he saw his friend’s attitude: a whole lot of self-blame and a ton of hot chocolate. But he didn’t want it to be that way. No one had any idea how to handle the situation, or how to take care of Donghyuck without hurting his feelings.

He knew they all feared for his safety, but he wouldn’t be surprised if Donghyuck actually ran away, and maybe that’s what he should do. Run away from the media, run away from the fame, run away from what’s threatening him and run away for his hyungs that aren’t able to properly take care of him. They pressured him too much; they clumsily tried to protect him from someone who they didn’t even know the identity of. They panicked. They tried to understand, they tried to find some sense in this, they tried to understand how could someone do that to a child, they tried to understand how this could happen to them. They all panicked. They rested on Taeyong, they expected too much of him like they always did, putting all the weight on his shoulders.

But this was going to change.

As soon as they go back to Korea, Doyoung will do everything in his power to discover who did this and to protect Donghyuck in the best way possible.

Now he needed to focus. The night was getting colder and Donghyuck probably got lost by now.

 

"He must be terrified ..." whispered Doyoung under his breath.

 

.

 

He didn’t really know how it started. One second he was heading for Jaehyun, and the next one, he was out of the beach, the sun setting down behind him, its orange light painting a paradisiac and idyllic landscape overlooked by the moon who already started to appear behind dim clouds as the day wasn’t even over yet, her authority chasing her brother away.

 

It was stupid, so stupid.

 

He watched Mark walk away to buy ice cream while his feet lazily fought the small sand mountains. The sight of his determined back reminded Donghyuck of his dream, so he turned his head to his other side where he could easily spot his friends mindlessly playing around with each other. He naïvely thought that he couldn’t be safer, literally surrounded by his friends.

However, Donghyuck learnt over the years that nothing could keep him safe from himself.

 

A child— _were they a boy or a girl?—_ was playing in the sand, digging a huge hole into the ground. Donghyuck looked close r and noticed that it had began to take the shape of a car, if he trusted in the four sand seats and the steering wheel that had carefully—and surprisingly well— been crafted. No doubts were left when the kid dropped his bum on the fake driver seat and pretend ed to drive the car, as he imitated engine noises, his little voice carried to Donghyuck’s ears, courtesy of the wind. Donghyuck looked around him hesitantly, but finally concluded that having some fun with a kid wouldn’t kill him— _he’s just a kid anyway_. He decided to go forward with his desires, because even if the others began to search for him, there was no way they could miss him, and Donghyuck was pretty sure that if he shouted loud enough, some of his members would hear him.

 

_Why would I even need to shout?_

He felt slightly uneasy as the images of his nightmare came back to him, but he bravely decided to cast them away and approached the kid.

He was allowed to have fun too.

 

“May I sit with you?” He asked, pointing his finger at the passenger seat.

 

The kid— _ah so he was a boy—_ simply shrugged and Donghyuck took that as a yes and quickly sat next to him before the nonchalant kid would change his mind.

It’s only when the sand was glued to his bare thighs from the sunscreen Jaehyun forced him to apply, that he realised that he had no idea why he came to sit in this sand car. The situation was painfully awkward, and Donghyuck wished he could lighten the mood by improvising a game or an alien attack, but he didn’t have the will to do it. He _couldn’t_ do it, not anymore. Acid left a bitter taste in his mouth as no fanciful story came to his mind. When he looked around him, he only saw sand. Just endless, burning and dull sand.

I’m not a kid anymore.

 

“Why do you look sad?”

“I’m not sad.” _Just regretful._

 

The child shrugged again and his brown hair began to create a tangled mess as the wind blew harsher. He put his two hands on the steering wheel and squinted hard, his eyebrows frowning comically when he pretended to choose his next target, a secret agent working for ‘the bad guys’ - a pigeon. The boy pushed his feet hard on the floor, throwing his back a few centimetres, doing an amazing job at faking the impact of the speed on his body. He got excited and jumped frantically on his seat, claiming that the king of the fallen kingdom would chase them if the car didn’t go fast enough, so Donghyuck looked again.

Really, it was just a pigeon.

But no matter how ridiculous it seemed to him, he tried to enter the kid’s universe that seemed far happier than his own; which was tainted by shame, weakness and fear.

So he began to bend when the kid did, he screamed when the kid did, he looked into the non-existent mirrors to make sure nobody was following them, he pretended to be hurt by the harsh wind on his face when they weren’t even moving. Without even realising, a genuine smile crept on his face and it wasn’t until he actually laughed, that he noticed how much fun he was having.

 

_I’m having fun._

 

The kid must have felt the tense atmosphere, because he stopped his story about half bee men invading the Earth to slump again the side of the car in an unceremonious way, judging Donghyuck with his gaze.

 

“Why are you stopping? Beeman is going to catch us.”

“I’m at the gas station right now.”

 

_Damn the kid was smart._

 

Donghyuck washed his uneasiness with a cute laugh, and looked at the imaginative car, thinking that it took him all this time to realise that the kid was actually speaking Korean.

 

“It’s pretty tough, what kind of car is it?” He asked in an appreciative tone, hoping it would be enough to distract the child.

“It’s the fastest formula one that ever existed!” _Bingo._ The child’s smile dazzled him, and he could almost see the passion dripping from the stars he held in his eyes.

“There are four seats though?”

“Well, I need to take my family with me, but it’s still the fastest!”

“I can testify that,” Donghyuck leaned gently on the side of the fastest car ever, and a comfortable silence settled in. He almost fell asleep, the wind, the waves and the birds sounding dangerously close to a terribly effective lullaby. That’s also why he almost didn’t hear the kid saying that he had to go, and why he took so much time to extricate from his foggy state, his mind still lovingly hugged by the promise of a good nap. However, in spite of his slow mind, he didn’t fail to notice the brown wallet on the seat the kid left a few seconds ago.

He grabbed it without thinking twice about what he was doing, and got out of their car to run towards the boy, hoping he could give him his belonging before it was too late and he lost sight of him.

Donghyuck had simply wanted to return it to him.

 

"Hey there!" he tried before calling him again, "Hey kid!"

 

Either he didn’t hear him or he didn’t care which wouldn’t surprise him that much after the incessant shrugging and the astounding display of his imagination, his drifting but piercing gaze underlining what must be a dreamy personality. Donghyuck could only see his back as the kid ran out of the beach to rush into the bustling city.

In a surge of stupidity, Donghyuck followed him.

 

He didn’t know if his body was still too weak because of his unhealed injuries (not that he was strong to begin with) or if the boy was going particularly fast, but he got tired faster than he expected, his breathing becoming more laborious and sagged.

The boy glanced back at him, and Donghyuck must have looked like a predator because, without warning, he ran, quickly widening the gap between them. Donghyuck lost him in the same moment he lost the sun, the moon taking back her rights over the city. The kid was gone, as his wallet laid helplessly in Donghyuck’s trembling hand. He bent over and put his hands on his knees as he tried to even his breaths, earning some deranged glances at the sound he was making. Then he decided to observe his surroundings as soon as he gathered himself.

He found himself in the middle of a busy alley without any idea of where he was. He recognized some familiar brands like Starbucks and Levis, but the street just seemed to be an endless straight line confining all the cars in the state. Artificial lights pierced the night, embellishing the grim black with random shots of colours. Honks and frustrated shouts made him flinch. He couldn’t understand their words and only understood their anger and their violence. Going back on his steps seemed like a good idea, but as he was doing so, he got the impression that he was getting further from the beach. As a reflex, he put his hand in his pocket to take his phone but was only met with emptiness. _Of course,_ he had to listen to Doyoung and leave his phone in his bag. He wanted to laugh at how much the situation looked like a horror movie —a grave in which he had seemingly dug himself into . A strange feeling compressed his chest as he began to feel out of place. He was used to big cities at night, after all, Seoul wasn’t known to be the kind of peaceful and quiet city. However, as seconds passed, the traffic jams, the cars, the restaurants and their incessant chatting in a language he could barely understand, the clothes shops and the passers-by, hell, even the ground started to make him nervous. Everything looked the same, but somehow, it was _different_.

 

It was hard to accept because thinking about it was frightening, but he was lost, and he needed help.

 

Rationally, Donghyuck knew that he couldn’t stay here on the street, waiting for help that might never come and that he needed to make the first step. But there was the problem.

Donghyuck isn’t rational.

 

Mark is rational. Mark is a thinker, he’s calm, smart—although Donghyuck would never admit it in front of him. He’s cold-blooded and soothing, he has the leadership flowing in his veins and he always knows how to put aside his emotions to have a clearer mind and to find the right words to reassure him.

 

Donghyuck loves that about him.

 

Donghyuck is irrational. Donghyuck doesn’t think twice—if not at all—before acting, he’s a daredevil, he is so hot blooded that he even scares himself, he’s insecure and unsure of the decisions he needs to make, and he’s unable to avoid being submerged by his emotions, his mind and his body being directed by what he’s feeling before he can even think about it, and ignoring them is impossible.

 

Donghyuck loves that about himself.

 

They were quite the pair, somehow their differences were the very thing that made them shine brighter. It’s as if they were made to be together, their flaws turning into qualities, their qualities being enhanced. Like two pieces of a puzzle, completing each other to form something beautiful. This is the only way they ever learn to work. Together.

 

Now that he was alone, Donghyuck felt lost.

 

He quickly analysed his options and gathered enough courage to approach a group of young people who must have been around his hyungs’ ages. Maybe they couldn’t fill the void in his heart, but at least they might help him to find his way back.

It was already pretty late if he trusted the dark, black sky above him and the crowded restaurants as well as the animated bars. It means he should probably head for their hotel rather than for the beach as they all would have left already. Three girls and two boys were sitting on the stone stairs leading to the entry of a residential building. Donghyuck could hear the music blasting through their Bluetooth speaker—some trap with a dirty bass drop—and saw the few beer cans resting next to them. One of the girls was riding a skateboard but she didn’t seem very interested by it, nor very skilled as she was just going and coming before them, turning her head from time to time to participate to the animated conversation. They seemed fine.

 

_What would Mark do?_

 

Donghyuck breathed deeply to push his fear aside. A cold wind brushing on his bare thighs helped him to move forward.

 

_I can do it._

 

"Hello, excuse me um ... how go to hotel?" He asked, ashamed of himself since he knew his English was terrible. It was hesitant, sloppy and, most likely, grammatically incorrect. The silent looks the group of friends shared made him want to shy away but he remained strong on his feet. _Mark would say that at least I tried, he would say that I did a great job._

 

“Would you like to join us?” The brown haired guy asked, turning his cup in his hands in a distracting movement.

 

Donghyuck wasn’t understanding, but he knew it had nothing to do with going back to the hotel. He clumsily shook his hands in front of him as he muttered his disagreement, feeling slightly embarrassed that he wasn’t able to express himself like he would have liked, as he confusingly watched the boys looking at him with something he couldn’t quite catch in their eyes. He thought they would understand and let him go. He surely wasn’t expecting such reactions.

The group burst out in laughter and the other guy with blond hair put his drink down and got up to pull him against his chest, encircling his waist with one of his arms which, to Donghyuck's misfortune, was about three times the size of his own.

 

_I need to go._

 

"You don’t wanna spend the night with us? A drink sounds nice sweetheart.” He smiled.

 

Donghyuck could not understand a word with how fast he was speaking, but he knew with the tone he used that it was nothing good. The blond’s breath didn’t smell like beer at all, and panic started to creep into his mind. He couldn’t avoid it as his mind immediately shut down, trying to protect him from whatever was happening. The only thing that he knew was that he was pressed against a chest that wasn’t Mark’s, that the stranger’s face was way too close, that the arm around his waist burnt him, and that he _didn’t want to be here._

A girl with long brown hair took his chin between her fingers and turned his face on both sides to observe his profiles, carefully checking him out.

 

“He’s all skin and bones, do you really want him, Thomas?”

 

“Don’t bring Thomas in this, after all, he’s the one who talked about going to a hotel,” laughed the girl with short blond hair, bumping her shoulder with her friend who made a face at her.

 

At this point, he was utterly terrified. The girl’s fingers left his face and he felt a bruise already flowing on his chin, his skin still sensitive to strong pressures. His blood started to flow faster in his veins to the point that it altered his hearing, the erratic beatings of his heart drowning out the noisy world around him.

“Come on Jess, don’t call him out like this, at least that was a bold move on his part.” They laughed again.

 

_Why were they laughing?_

 

The arm on his back kept pushing him towards the stairs they were sitting on, and he felt a sudden instinct crawling up his back and telling him to _go away._

He pushed with all his might against the chest of the man who held him prisoner, who strangely proposed no resistance. He didn’t know what happened but something shifted in their looks and they stopped laughing. The brown haired boy put a hand on his shoulder and frowned, looking at him with concern.

 

"You okay there bro?" _Was he ok?_ Donghyuck jerked his hand off his shoulder and backed away, creating some much-needed space between them.

 

"I- I do not—" he whimpered in anger and frustration, unable to express himself. His breath got caught in his throat, and he felt the little control he had slipping between his fingers. He just wanted to get away from them, he felt oppressed, he didn’t feel _safe._ So, with a last look at their confused faces, he ran. He didn’t turn when he heard them calling him, "We were just joking! Come back, we can help you kid!"

 

He only stopped running when he was sure he had lost sight of them, and when his lungs begged him to stop. He sat on the floor, his back against the window of a shoe store. It was dirty, but his legs were too tired to keep up with him. Now that the moon had chased the sun for good, Donghyuck bitterly regretted that he took off his jacket earlier on the beach, the cold seeping under his short-sleeved t-shirt. He curled up to try to warm up, as much as he could. The street he was in wasn’t much different from the one he just left, except it was less crowded. However, with his bare calves, he felt _exposed_ . He tried to look around him, and finally got the hour when he looked on a giant screen that was projecting an advertisement for burger king. It was 11pm. He probably did run longer than he thought he did. Donghyuck started to get seriously hungry which the dull ache he felt in his gut confirmed the feeling. He was tempted to complain about the pain, but then he realised that he _wanted_ to eat. That was an improvement. He observed people’s faces, watching them with interest as he wondered if his friends were searching for him.

He wondered if Mark was searching for him.

 

_Of course he was._

 

He wondered when Mark will find him.

 

As he was going to get up to find a police station, he shuddered slightly from the cold when a man in his forties crouched down in front of him.

 

He should have escaped after what had just happened, but Donghyuck thought there were people in the store right behind him and that the man would not try anything in front of so many witnesses.

 

_Right?_

 

_Maybe he isn’t evil. Maybe he just wants to help._

 

"Are you alright?"

 

"I'm lost," he managed to stutter, his deception in himself clearly present in his voice.

 

He was lost like a child in a supermarket.

He felt stupid for getting angry at Mark earlier. He got mad at him, saying that he did not need protection, that he was not a child, yet here he was, alone in the streets of a foreign country, in the middle of the night, without a phone, the moon right above his head.

 

_She’s watching me, more miserable than ever when I finally thought I was getting somewhere._

 

"Do you know where to go?"

 

"Hotel," he murmured.

 

"Which one?"

 

He thought about it for a moment, and he cursed himself for not remembering something as simple as their hotel name. He then realised how assisted he was. It was the staff who booked rooms for them, it was Taeyong who kept the keys and planned the routes they needed to take, it was Johnny who talked to the receptionist, he was incapable of doing any of that on his own, even if he should.

 

He was almost an adult and he was pampered.

 

"I do not know," he said, as his eyes began to sting.

 

“Alright, I can’t help you much,” the man said slowly, making sure Donghyuck understood everything, “but I know the nearest hotel is just three streets away. You have to turn left after the coffee shop, then you turn to the right twice. Maybe they can help you there,” his kind smile gave him a trustworthy feeling.  A man with such a kind smile couldn’t be evil.

 

Donghyuck blinked and got up, repeating the instructions in his head. He was about to leave when he turned back to the man and bowed at 90 degrees to him, keeping his eyes stuck on the floor as he tried to express all his gratitude.

 

"Thank you, sir!" He said in a strong voice. The man laughed a little and made a quick sign with his hand for him to get up.

 

"You're welcome kid, good luck!"

 

And just like that, he began to walk again, the city lights blinding him.

 

His feet burnt and to be honest, if he was sure that he was safe he would have slept in the street but he heard so many times from Johnny that the United States were very different from Korea, and even in Korea it wasn’t one hundred percent safe to casually sleep in the streets, so that definitely wasn’t an option. He followed the instructions thoughtfully: ‘one to the left, two to the right.’

 

_I can do this._

 

It wasn’t that complicated and he was sure that he didn’t make any mistakes but he was now walking in a large alley, completely desert, no hotel in sight.

 

He didn’t like that at all.

 

There were storage units and dumpsters all along the driveway, abandoned sofas, broken washing machines and tags decorating the walls and the floor, painting seeming to take the place of concrete. He passed some storage units and noticed how thin their doors were, as just a tiny wind was enough to make them move and produce that terrifying grunting metallic sound. It smelled like dog’s piss and he was pretty sure that he saw a rat’s nest on the old purple couch with some missing cushions, with it’s wired brim sticking out.

 

He was sure that he followed the instructions correctly; so, confusion helped him to keep the fear aside as he tried to find an explanation. He was awestruck by how he passed from a living buzzing city to an empty alley. The alley wasn’t even small, it was large and quite big, but as it was dark, the storage units’ doors sounded more like monsters than metal bothered by the wind.

At least, the moonlight lit up the driveway, leaving him a minimum of visibility.

 

 _She must_ _be_ _hav_ _ing_ _the time of her life, seeing me as pitiful as I am now._

 

The walk to the end of the alley was longer than he thought, and he was eager to find any distraction to keep himself calm and steady.

That’s when he wondered why he didn’t open the wallet earlier. Having a name could have helped him to call the kid without scaring him, maybe his address was on his ID papers.

Donghyuck’s fingers brushed lightly onto the brown leather fabric and he slipped it open.

 

His mind shut down in an instant.

Stress made his heart beat faster, the sound of his blood pounding in his ears, deafening him. It seemed like his blood couldn’t stand the erratic rhythm of his heart and decided to stop abruptly, making his body temperature drop a few more degrees. Vivid memories he was desperately trying to forget latched onto his chest preventing him from breathing, preventing him from thinking, preventing him from _moving_. A chill ran through his whole body and he lift his shaky eyes to look in front of him.

 

Nobody was in front of him.

 

He didn’t want to look behind.

 

He walked faster.

He took a deep breath and dragged his feet one after the other, adrenaline helping him to break the ice that was keeping them still on the ground. Shock overpowered him like it never had before, his eyes completely dried of tears, fear making him react as any animal would.

He was trying to save his life.

He progressively went faster until he was almost running, the paralysing words he saw on the ID card whirling in his head.

 

Lee Jaedong. _Lee Jaedong. Lee Jaedong. LeeJaedongLeeJaedongLeeJaedongLeeJaedong_

 

How could it be possible? _What was happening?_

The brick walls and the storage units seemed to get closer and closer to him, trapping him with this name he couldn’t afford to read again. He was starting to lose oxygen and his vision betrayed him when he began to see shadows taking the shape of animals, of monsters, taking the shape of a man.

_They are going to get me if I’m not fast enough._

He closed his eyes and it was arguably his worst mistake of the day. All hell broke loose as he was trapped with the voices in his head, the dark screen leaving him alone with himself. He felt like he was a second away from fainting as his lungs didn’t seem to work anymore.

_That was terrifying._

The night monsters let go of him and he felt like he could breathe again when he reached the end of the driveway that seemed to lead to a larger street. He thought seeing something that looked like their hotel’s lights and a smile broke onto his face, relief flooding into him. He felt proud of himself for getting here on his own, he felt like maybe he wasn’t _that_ stupid, he felt like he was a few steps away from safety, a few steps away from Mark.

 

Then, a hand gripped his wrist.

 

Everything happened in a few seconds.

 

He felt himself being pulled back, his head and back hitting one of the metal doors, causing a brutal noise that echoed through the night and right into his ears. His heart who managed to calm down did a flip at the sudden movement.

 

Pain came first, understanding in second.

 

He knew that some of the stitches on his back had opened up again when he felt a warm liquid running down his skin, previously refreshed by the cold night.

When his gaze focused again, he discerned his features and wasn't even surprised.

 

Donghyuck spat in his face.

 

The man’s hand tightened around his neck, significantly reducing the amount of air that could reach his lungs, but he regretted nothing.

 

“Did you really think I would not notice? Did you really think I'm that stupid?” His bad breath crashed on his nose and Donghyuck restrained himself with all his might from commenting on it.

 

"Do you want an honest answer?"

 

He didn’t know where all this confidence came from. Maybe the anger, the frustration, the fact that he had nothing but words to defend himself. Maybe it was because he felt like he was going to be safe. Maybe it was because of the way he was beginning to feel like he was more than unworthy. Seeing the doctor probably helped more than he thought, telling his friends probably helped more than he thought, because it was a new step he had made on his own. As soon as he told them, the healing part began, and he felt like he was closing the abusing chapter, forever putting the assaults to an end. He began to feel like he was someone. It wasn’t to the point of thinking he was special, but he knew people cared about him.

 

He knew Mark loved him. And sometimes he happened to love some things about himself.

That was enough for now.

He wasn’t that scary anymore.

 

Jaedong banged his head against the metal again, his grip on his neck began to crush his trachea and make him light-headed. His head seriously started to spin, black dots forming in the periphery of his vision, blurring at the edges.

 

“Don’t talk to me like that! I’ve noticed how they are always gravitating around you, I noticed how they look suspiciously at every single person coming near to you. Maybe you forgot what we said? You obviously can’t keep your whore’s mouth shut, but you won’t be the one paying the consequences.”

 

Donghyuck's blood froze.

 

_Of course._

 

No matter how confident he was, Jaedong will always win. He knew how to hit him where it hurt.

He was miserably held by emotional blackmail, but he could not afford to put them in danger. Even if he told them, then what? What would they do?

 

_What could they do?_

 

Hate him for the rest of their lives? Beat the shit out of him?

That would not help one bit.

It would make things even worse.

 

It was hopeless.

 

"Please don’t. I haven’t told them who did it."

"And it better stay that way."

 

Just while he thought he could get away with these words, Donghyuck felt something colder than Jaedong's fingers press against his neck.

 

Something _icy._

 

If he had managed to keep calm until now, any remaining confidence had now cowered away. He felt his muscles start to shake, he felt his confused and uncontrollable thoughts seep in, he felt the cold sweat creep down his neck and he felt his heart beat too fast for him to think calmly. He felt the cold and the light of the moon on his dark skin.

 

He felt _fear._

 

It had been days since he had felt real fear, days since he had felt such a strong threat. It was coming for him, it was embracing Donghyuck like it had waited for this moment forever.

 

He feared for his life.

 

The call that brought him back to reality was brutal.

Saying it to his friends had given him a sense of security that he might have trusted too much. He didn’t think it would happen again, not after telling them. He thought he was _safe._ He couldn’t really believe it, but a tiny part of him kept having faith in that desperate hope that _he’ll be safe._

 

"Another word Haechan and …”

 

Taking your own life away and someone threatening your life are two very different things.

 

He felt fear.

He was afraid of dying.

He didn’t _want_ to die.

He wanted to live. And it terrified him that it took him so long to understand that.

 

He didn’t even have control over his own life and he felt like he might pass out as one of his last powers was ripped apart from him.

He heard the whistle sound as his manager pulled his arm to gain momentum and Donghyuck closed his eyes, waiting for the sharp penetration and the pain accompanying it.

 

The pain never came.

 

He heard the metal of the door to his left being pierced, and he slowly turned his shaky eyes towards the knife trembling only at a few millimetres from his ear. He exhaled loudly, not even noticing that he had held his breath. A high pitched sound buzzed in his left ear, and he fell to the ground, his trembling legs no longer supporting him as adrenaline slowly left his body, leaving him weak and at mercy.

  


"Next time I won’t miss."

  


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...hello? I knOw it's been a long time, but I had exams but now I'm completely free :DD so I can post more often!  
> This was an extra long chapter (15000 words?) so if you read everything, I have to thank you, you're really amazing.
> 
> As I said before, nothing is coincidental so I'm waiting for your theories :D  
> I hope y'all don't hate me, and I also want you to know that chapter 16 will come soon! (or at least way sooner than this one omg I'm so ashamed)  
> Don't forget to subscribe (I feel like a youtuber right now) if you don't want to miss any chapter :D  
> It would help me a lot if you could tell me what you thought of this chapter, of what is happening etc, so please don't feel shy and talk to me!
> 
> You can contact me here on insta @nct_soorin or directly in the comments, they always make me so happy!!
> 
> I hope you are fine and I hope you'll spend a wonderful summer, stay healthy!


	16. Swaying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS NOT BETA READ I'm so sorry but my beta readers are very busy, and I'm French, so there's probably a lot of mistakes in this, please forgive me? I'll repost the chapter once it's beta read, but I didn't want to keep you waiting for too long so there it is.
> 
> Anna told me to blame her teachers, so: Shame on you Anna's teachers. Shame. On. You.

Silence.

 

This is what struck him in the first place.

Complete and utter silence.

 

Then, he felt the rough concrete under his hands and rubbing against his shorts. 

He put one hand against his chest and tried to calm down as he felt the erratic rhythm of his own heart. He swallowed the bile that rested in his throat and felt the silent tears rolling down his cheeks.

His eyes drifted to the knife that was still right above him.

 

_He threatened to kill me._

 

Donghyuck was so afraid that he thought he might actually die from fear, right there, right then. However, as his whole body was still trembling due to the sudden adrenaline rush, he couldn’t stop the surge of satisfaction that ran through him. If Jaedong had to go as far as death threats, it meant that something was bothering him.

 

_It means that Donghyuck was bothering him._

 

Donghyuck slowly broke into a hysterical laugh as an irrational bliss filled him from head to toes. He felt out of this reality, out of this world. His surroundings weren’t clear and he couldn’t even dream about standing up on his own, but he was laughing like there was no tomorrow for him.

 

_I almost didn’t have a tomorrow._

 

“Donghyuck!”

 

The familiar voice broke his hypnotising trance.

He could decipher through his blurry eyes the man’s features only a few centimetres away from his face. Donghyuck sighed heavily, his chest suddenly relaxing as he let an involuntary sob go out of his lungs.

 

“You’re here.” Donghyuck gratefully said, a small smile creeping onto his face but disappearing as quickly as it came.

“I’m here buddy.” He said warmly.

 

Donghyuck knew he was safe now, and he allowed himself to get some rest as his loud sobs broke his protecting barriers, exhaustion paralysing his whole body. He finally closed his eyes. 

 

At least a good hundred of things could have angered his friend at this precise moment, with the scene his eyes were witnessing. 

Donghyuck then thought it was probably their proximity.

He was almost absolutely certain the tears streak on his cheeks played a role as well.

 

“Stay away from him.” A voice that could make anyone on earth shiver by the intensity it held ripped through the dark night to stab the man nicely kneeling in front of Donghyuck. 

“Don’t make me say it twice Donghwa.” 

 

Doyoung never failed to amaze Donghyuck, but somehow this was different. The older’s aura seemed to crush into waves, wrapping him in a protective cocoon while aggressively attacking his dance instructor. Donghyuck watched with pure awe and admiration his friend’s determined expression and the raw strength emanating from him. His clenched jaw, his tense muscles, his unforgiving metallic eyes and his locked lips. 

Doyoung was radiating with power and control.

 

Donghwa got too surprised to talk, but Doyoung didn’t let him the chance to make another move and rushed to him so smoothly that his movements looked surreal. 

He grabbed their dance teacher by his shirt and immediately threw him away from them as he looked at his own hand like it burnt him, a disgusted expression on his face.

 

“Stay away from us or I call the police, but don’t even try run is that clear?”

“Doyoung what are you-”

“Is that clear?” Donghyuck brought his knees against his chest and felt uneasy even if Doyoung’s calm anger didn’t target him, his friend’s rage filled the atmosphere, making it significantly heavier.

Donghwa could only nervously nod.

 

Then, the Doyoung he knew appeared right in front of Donghyuck’s amazed eyes. He kneeled down and caressed his cheeks with his natural sweetness that felt like home for the younger. When his eyes lingered on his neck, they started shaking, his friend showing his first sign of weakness. 

 

“I texted the others, they’ll be here soon.”

 

The fact that he didn’t even ask if he was fine tenfold the affection that Donghyuck had for him. Of course he wasn’t fine, his friend was one of the few who had enough tact not to ask this stupid question.

Less than five minutes later, five minutes of sweet comforting whispers and gentle caresses on his hair, his friends arrived.

They weren’t alone. 

Donghyuck who long stopped crying, blinked several times as sharp coloured lights blinded him. His eyes narrowed to take a look at the car parking behind them and when he realised what was happening, his heart rushed back to his panicked rhythm. 

This couldn’t be happening.

 

“Donghyuck! Hyuck, we’re gonna get you out of here, he won’t hurt you ever again.” Donghyuck could feel Mark’s relief as it enveloped him as well, the mere idea of trusting these utopic words felt as tempting as succumbing under numbing painkillers. 

Doyoung quickly stepped away to talk to the others and Donghyuck could almost see their train of thought when their lost gazes turned into betrayed and disgusted ones, and as if someone gave an order, they all turned to Donghwa in a scarily synchronised movement.

This was wrong, this couldn’t be happening.

He was forced to look away when Mark’s heat hugged him. His boyfriend carefully put his head in the crook of his neck, accidentally crushing Donghyuck’s nose against his skin in his rush. Mark gave him sweet kisses and caresses on his hair while he rocked him like a child, murmuring comforting words that didn’t really make sense but the steadiness of his familiar voice was already more than enough. Mark’s trembling hands made Donghyuck vaguely wonder if this wasn’t more comforting for Mark than it was for himself.

 

“The police is going to take him away Sun, don’t worry about him anymore.”

 

Donghyuck’s breath died in his throat.

This was _wrong_.

 

“Mark please don’t!”

“It’s alright honey, you’re fine, we’re fine, it’s going to be ok.”

“No Mark, please listen to me!”

 

Donghyuck broke the embrace and moved back to look at Mark, confusion clearly written all over his face. The older once again showed his cute side, and if it was in another situation, Donghyuck would probably have made fun of him. He couldn’t afford to do that now.

 

“It’s not him.”

“But he-”

“It’s not him, Mark.” Mark moved awkwardly and looked behind him hesitantly, his eyes shifting between Donghyuck’s face and Johnny talking to the police officer.

“Mark look at me.” Donghyuck heard the irregular breathing coming out of his boyfriend’s mouth and immediately softened his eyes when he saw Mark’s frightened gaze. His slender fingers lingered softly on his neck, caressing his bruises with an indescribable pain tainting his dark eyes. Donghyuck took Mark’s wrist in his hand and looked at him in the eyes, connecting with him like he always loved to. Then, after he took a deep breath, he managed to gather all his courage to talk with the most stable and confident voice he could, “He’s innocent.”

 

Mark dived in his eyes, and Donghyuck let him. He had nothing to hide from him. 

Mark only nodded.

Yuta quickly sat beside him while Mark went to talk to the policemen and to Johnny. 

Everything was going to be alright.

Donghwa finally stopped trembling and Donghyuck offered him a weak apologetic smile. 

He didn’t quite remember what happened then. He remembers it took a long time, he remembers hearing Mark’s frustrated voice and the policeman’s confused one. He remembers talking about ridiculously mundane topics like Yuta’s new pair of shoes and his brand new video game until they arrived.

They were at least twenty.

They were screaming their names, blinding them with their flashes, deafening them with their toxic affection. 

Yuta shielded him from the threatening cameras.

 

Donghyuck wished he could disappear.

 

.

 

“Hi, guys.”

 

Loud cheers and greetings came from his phone’s speakers as Sicheng, Mark and Donghyuck fondly looked at their friends’ faces. Chenle screamed so loudly that they had to put the phone under a pillow to muffle the sound. Jeno gently asked about their day, Jaemin pestered about the ASMR video he was obliged to film, Renjun’s eyes noticed the bruises on Donghyuck’s neck but preferred to talk about the new project he started -something about drawing the ghosts he saw in the dorm. 

Jisung stayed silent. 

For an hour, they talked about silly things. A soft warmness quickly took place in Donghyuck’s stomach and lulled him into a comfortable numbness as a sincere smile grew on his face while he listened to Chenle’s incessant babbling. Donghyuck listened more than he talked, their words sounding like honey to his ears.

Jisung didn’t say a word.

 

“Guys, shouldn’t you be training right now?”

 

Donghyuck turned his head to his left to look at Mark with incredulity, but he didn’t even have the time to make fun of him before shocked protests resonated in the room. 

 

“Always here to kill the mood right hyung?”

“We are actually _resting_ thank you very much mister I-graduated-so-I’m-not-in-dream-anymore-I-wasn’t-the-leader-anyway.”

“Shouldn’t you be sleeping right now? It’s getting a bit late for someone your age.”

“Why are you even talking, as far as we know, we called Donghyuck, not you hyung, get out of the camera’s view we only want Donghyuck.”

 

Tears of joy threatened to spill from Donghyuck’s eyes, the normality of the scene bringing him a much-needed comfort. Mark made a high hurt noise and quickly murmured about ungrateful kids but his voice got quickly covered by their friends’ laughs that got even louder when Mark accidentally fell off the bed.

Jisung didn’t laugh.

 

“Jisung, what’s in your hands?”

 

Laughters died, and Donghyuck encouraged the younger to respond, his nervousness clearly showing. Then, he showed it in front of Renjun’s phone camera.

It was a handmade key-ring.

It wasn’t pretty, but surprisingly enough, it wasn’t ugly either.

 

“I made it for you hyung.”

 

Donghyuck felt his heart melt into his chest and immediately felt a weight leaving his shoulders as he exhaled loudly.

He didn’t even notice he stopped breathing.

 

“Thank you so much, it looks very cute, I can’t wait to go back home so I can put it on my bag. I’m sure everyone is going to be jealous because of how cool it looks.”

 

Jisung’s face relaxed.

Donghyuck’s did too.

 

They just smiled at each other.

 

.

 

Donghyuck ended the call and dropped back, his head bouncing against the fluffy pillow. Mark went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and Winwin settled on the small round table near the huge window to put his pc and play some video game Donghyuck didn’t even know.

 

Donghyuck let his eyes drift on the shabby white curtains that contrasted with the grandiose view they had of the whole city. However, he suspected the bay window of letting some air streams enter because he almost shivered from the temperature of the room. The white sheets were soft, the brown carpet was a little rough, the walls tasteless, the wood closet narrow but useful, and the lights pulled on yellowish hues. He paused for a moment on the enormous air conditioner completely unsightly that was at the ceiling, next to the TV, and he could also admire the ceiling’s painting which was distorted in places. He raised his hips to let his pelvis fall flat against the mattress, making the resorts squeak, to test their strength. Winwin turned around, his back contorting in a position that only his flexibility could allow, then glanced at him while frowning, surely alerted by the noise, before giving him a small sweet smile. He was the only one to master the secret of such a sweet, heartwarming smile.

 

Donghyuck smiled back.

 

It was not luxury, but it allowed them to spend the night quietly. It has never been easy with so many members financially speaking, so all the savings were good to take. As long as they had a bed and hot water, it was enough for them, and sharing rooms did not bother them either, it was always a great occasion for a little bonding time.

 

Thank heavens that they got along well.

 

The SMtowns were probably the worst. They were always happy to be together, but the food always ended up being cut a little more than usual. It had already happened to them to be three or even four per room, and sometimes tensions broke out, making the situation even more difficult to live with. They cheered themselves up, thinking that someday they would have royal suites just for themselves, like their senior Taeyeon, and then, their worries used to fly away during the time of the performances.

_It was worth it._

 

He was slightly ashamed to think that, but he was sometimes a little relieved when it was only one unit that was designated somewhere because that meant better mattresses and better food. But he would not exchange good times with his friends for any luxurious bedding in the world.

 

Mark came out of the bathroom, his black hair was a little messy and slightly wet at the ends. He floated in his night blue sweater and black shorts, which he almost never got separated from. It was a fan that had offered these shorts to Mark during their debut days, and Donghyuck had found it creepy that Mark insisted to wear them every single night, but maybe he was just a little jealous that Mark wasn’t wearing the bracelet he’d made him with a paper bag when they went out to eat fast food together for the first time when they were still trainees.

 

He felt so stupid that he could have been jealous of such a thing, firstly because Mark was just adorably humble and grateful, secondly because this bracelet was incredibly ugly, and thirdly, because a few days later he had found the bracelet preciously preserved in a case that looked far too expensive to contain a vulgar piece of paper. It was in the drawer of his nightstand, right next to the notebook where Mark wrote his sketches of songs and lyrics. 

Donghyuck had asked him that night, why did he keep it that way if he did not intend to wear it, and Mark said nothing would make him happier than wearing it every day, but the paper was fragile and could crumble, and he wanted to protect it so he could keep it close to him for as long as possible.

_He never got jealous of those stupid shorts after that._

Anyway, it was undeniable that they were fitting him.

 

He had grown a little bit so they stopped right above his knees, revealing his muscular calves, and it was not Donghyuck who was going to complain about it. 

Mark climbed onto the bed and slipped by his side, catching his round glasses on the bedside table, and leaned comfortably against the headboard. He wrapped an arm around Donghyuck's shoulders, who moved up a little more to snuggle into the loose and pleasant embrace. Mark was absently reading an article on his phone and was not paying much attention to him, and Donghyuck appreciated the domesticity of the moment. He rested his head against the chest of his boyfriend and exhaled for a long time, letting himself be lulled by the calm and steady beatings of his heart against his ear. The arm around him was not holding him tight, as if he was leaving him a way out, and Donghyuck could only appreciate the thoughtful gesture as Mark's fingers caressed his forearm distractedly -peaceful and comforting going and comings against the cotton of his long sleeve.

 

Donghyuck closed his eyes and did his best to block his thoughts, to focus only on the sounds of Winwin's keyboard and mouse, only on the small noises that Mark made with his mouth when he read a piece of news that would displease him, but his efforts were futile. It was about midnight, and he could not delay the deadline anymore. He knew that it was going to happen. He had no way to avoid it, and shame was already starting to climb up his throat, but he still found the strength to part ways with Mark, who did not look at him and retrieved his hand to hold his phone in a safer way. Donghyuck got up and went to his suitcase, digging a little to get rid of the bazaar he had left on top, then lifted a stack of pants to catch the bag he did not want to see but that he needed so very much. He squatted for a few seconds, trying to gather enough courage for what was to follow, but Winwin made it easier for him when he saw the bag’s colour out of the corner of his eye. He paused his game, took off his headphones, closed his screen and got up very naturally.

 

"I'm going to Yuta's room."

 

Donghyuck mouthed a 'thank you' and his friend responded with one of his mischievous smiles. Mark took his eyes off his phone screen and slowly began to understand what was going on when he saw the bag as well. Winwin gave him an encouraging smile and left the room, the door closing softly after him.  Mark straightened up, turned off his phone and took off his glasses, waiting for Donghyuck to make the first step. Donghyuck stood up, and walked slowly to the bathroom, staring at the floor. He stopped in front of the door and leaned against the wall, trying to think about how he was going to handle that. He sighed, entered the bathroom under Mark's gaze, and put the bag on the edge of the sink. To calm himself down, he took the time to admire the bathroom, which was certainly much more luxurious than the room. It was completely white and very bright, a sink was on the left side of the door and was surmounted by a large mirror, quite disproportionate to Donghyuck’s taste. On the right was a bathtub that took the full width of the room and a grey metal towel holder was fixed to the wall just in front of the entrance.

Donghyuck tried to gain as much time as he could and pulled out the products one by one, not being able to stop himself from staring into the mirror in front of him, his eyes lingering involuntarily on his dark circles hollowed out by his insomnia. When all the products were arranged in their height’s order on the sink, Donghyuck took a deep breath and leaned against the doorway to look at Mark who hadn’t moved as he was waiting patiently.

 

"I need some help."

"Sure," He responded, already expecting the question, and got up swiftly, to enter the room as well.

 

He closed the door behind him, just as a precaution in case one of their hyungs decided to disembark unexpectedly, which happened much more often than one might think but also to give Donghyuck some privacy. Perhaps a closed, windowless room was more amenable to medical treatment than a room with a gigantic window facing the outside.

 

His eyes trailed on the flasks and tubes lined up on the sink and he decided to not say a word about it. It looked like Donghyuck. Whenever he was anxious about something, he always found a way to frantically order the objects around him, although he was usually so messy. He took Donghyuck's hands in his and stroked their backs with his thumbs, trying to make him understand that he would wait for as long as he needed. Donghyuck avoided his gaze by stubbornly fixing the ground, making their usual telepathy impossible. Mark moved silently, separating their hands, and sat against the edge of the bathtub behind him. He rested his head against the protection glass and kept his eyes open.

He waited.

 

Donghyuck nervously ran his hand over his face and inhaled deeply, trying to put away the dozens of thoughts that overwhelmed him. He turned his back on Mark, his loving gaze quickly becoming too hard to bear. He leaned both hands against the sink and let his head tilt forward, his chin resting almost on his chest to avoid having to face the mirror that was right in front of him. 

He called Mark in this bathroom to ask for his help.

 

_I can do it. I'm going to do it._

 

He just needed some time to think.

He was starting to get better. He knew it. But he also knew everything that the others did not know.

He knew he was cutting his food countless times to give the impression of a messy plate - and thus, an eaten plate. He knew that he was becoming oddly loquacious during meals, and often asked a lot of questions to divert his hyungs’ attention. He also knew that he was changing the subject as soon as one of them started to get a little too suspicious and he knew he was finishing each meal by shouting that he had eaten too much while emptying his barely touched plate.

 

He honestly did not understand himself.

He could not find any more interest in being thin, he had never even found it attractive. It was initially a vain attempt to disgust Jaedong, he naively hoped that a puny body would be enough to disinterest him.

 

He had shamefully hoped Jaedong would go after someone else.

He did not want anyone to experience what happened to him, but in a moment of weakness, if he could choose, he would have preferred to save himself, to the detriment of someone else.

He hated himself for that.

 

He hated his body in agony, the sight of his bones forcing on his skin as if to pierce through it made him retch, but he could not stop.

It was difficult to understand, and he did not yet understand the whole situation himself, but it helped him feel better. In a time when everything and everyone turned their backs on him, or when he himself turned his back on others, that feeling of hunger had accompanied him.

Hunger made him feel alive.

He no longer thought he needed it, but now it gave him a new feeling.

_Control._

It was Donghyuck who chose not to feed himself, it was Donghyuck who chose to lie to the others, it was Donghyuck who chose to stay thin.

He controlled his body.

It was neither Jaedong, nor Hyunjae, nor a doctor, but him.

 

It was stupid and immature, but he could not stop. Not when the feeling of his gurgling stomach gave him the impression of a well-done job. His twisting entrails are transcending him in a state of euphoria he desperately needed.

It was easy to look good and to eat an entire meal when everyone was watching, but it was just as easy to lock yourself in the bathroom to do sports for a few hours.

 

His eyes fell on the razor that lay quietly right next to the soap.

 

Of course, he had thought about it, but he had never done it.

He didn’t want to do it.

He didn’t want to hurt himself, he just wanted to have a minimum of control over his own life and his own body.

 

_Hypocritical._

Obviously, he was hurting himself, he had to be stupid not to notice. His whole body was screaming at him to stop this torture, but his mind needed to keep going. 

And his mind screamed louder.

The control he had been searching for so long turned into a disaster he could not control and the body he saw in the mirror was not his own. He did not recognize himself, he did not want to recognize himself and to say, while looking at himself, 'That's me.' Not with a body like this one.

It was also why he made the effort to go against his addiction.

 

And now he was going to have to show that body that repelled him, to the man he loved.

 

How could he do that?

 

Donghyuck thought he was slightly getting better mentally, but his body was not following.

Everything was always a problem of appearance. Jaedong had targeted him for his appearance, he rejected his own appearance, and he was afraid that Mark would do the same.

A fear completely irrational knowing Mark, but he could not stop it from invading his mind.

He was going to see the mark. 

 

Donghyuck exhaled loudly and turned, slowly advancing towards Mark. He stopped a few inches from him and took the time to scan his face, trying to decipher his thoughts, but only finding calm, peaceful and silent encouragement.

 

_Mark is beautiful._

 

Of course, his black hair is as soft as silk, and his hollow cheeks become adorable when they are coloured in a red as bright as the one of a watermelon when Donghyuck pulls the right strings to tease him. Of course, he could get lost in his big black eyes for hours and kiss his deliciously bitter lips for even longer, he could slide his hands over his incredibly fascinating white skin. Of course, Mark is handsome, but that's not what makes him beautiful in Donghyuck's eyes.

Mark is passionate. By almost everything he undertakes. The spark that shines in his eyes when he does what he loves is the most beautiful thing Donghyuck has ever seen, and to his view, the most beautiful thing that nature has ever created. The way he bites his lower lip when he composes, the way he frowns when he writes lyrics, the way he twists his ankle every morning when he gets up, the way he pinches his lips, open his eyes and leans forward when he listens to what Donghyuck has to say to him, the way he looks at Donghyuck as if he's the most important person in the world, the way he's waiting for him, there, now, without a word, giving him all the time he needs without even having to ask him. 

That was what made Mark beautiful.

 

It was not a question of appearance between them.

 

Mark would not be repelled by the marks on his body, he would not be disgusted by him.

Donghyuck trusted him, so he _knew_ that Mark found him beautiful too.

 

It has never been a question of appearance between them.

 

Donghyuck grabbed the bottom of his shirt before changing his mind, and lifted it over his head, grimacing in pain as the movement tugged at the still-fragile muscles on his back. Mark got up and helped him as best he could, he put the clothes on the edge of the tub, and moved closer to Donghyuck, looking him straight in the eye.

 

That's it. No more fabric, no more long sleeves behind which to hide, no more shield.

 

A hand as light as a feather touched Donghyuck's hip to bring him closer, and Mark used his other hand to put a lock of brown hair behind his ear. He stroked his head as gently as his smile was, and pressed his forehead to Donghyuck’s, while he kept his eyes open. Donghyuck could only smile, almost crying with joy. Any human being would have recoiled, a grimace of disgust, a slight start or even just a shiver, but not Mark. He did not look away and continued to treat him like the apple of his eyes. Donghyuck closed his fists around Mark's blue fabric and rubbed his nose against Mark’s, in a burst of instinctive affection, as a small laugh escaped his throat, his sparkling eyes not leaving those in face of his. It was perfect. Just him and Mark, in the privacy of a small bathroom in a shabby hotel at a far too late hour.

 

_Mark thought he was beautiful._

 

After a while, he calmed slightly but remained in a state of fullness, the stress he had inflicted on himself having completely disappeared but he was still tired.

He snorted and let Mark read the ordinances.

If Donghyuck were to describe Mark's care in one word, it would be 'sweet'. A word that was very often used to describe him.

It hurt, sometimes very badly, but he expected it. However, the pain did not stop him from feeling Mark's fingertips tracing soothing circles on his back when he shivered under the pain, nor did it stop him from melting under the almost imperceptible kiss Mark had laid on the mark engraved on his right shoulder.

 

The doctor said that it would be less visible once it had healed well and that there were methods to remove this kind of scars, but it was not always effective and one should not put too many hopes in this treatment. With the luck Donghyuck had, he was probably going to have to learn to live with it for the rest of his life.

Mark dragged him into a back hug recreating their position that they had kept for a moment on the beach a few hours earlier, but Mark being Mark, he banged his head against the towel holder trying awkwardly to avoid to put too much pressure against Donghyuck's back. Of course, Donghyuck laughed at him and laughed even more as Mark grumbled, rubbing his skull, claiming he had a concussion. Donghyuck saw their reflections in the mirror and smiled even wider.

 

"I can’t believe you won’t even give me a booboo kiss."

 

Donghyuck stared at him, a lifted eyebrow and a mischievous smile at the corner of his lips, genuinely amused. He stood on tiptoe to reach the problematic area with the help of his hands, which he rested on the injured man's shoulders. He laid a fleeting kiss in the heart of the black roots he loved so much and resumed his place, all smiles, dusting the shoulders of Mark's sweater.

 

“You’ll be thrilled to know that I no longer feel any pain.”

“Oh really,” snarled Donghyuck, “No more concussion? No more unbearable suffering?”

“Nope, not at all! I even think I got some extra abilities now. I gotta say this was an upper-class magic kiss.”

“Of course, it came from me,”

 

Donghyuck could see the glint in Mark’s eyes. 

_Of course, it came from you._

Mark's smile gradually faded as his eyes fell on the flourishing marks on the fragile neck in front of him. He traced with a light hand the path created by the bruises on the bottom of his cheeks, and descended into his neck, the tips of his fingers barely touching his skin.

Donghyuck knew that Mark was restraining himself and that he refused to get angry to preserve him, and quite honestly, Donghyuck had no idea how he could do that. Fatigue prevented him from talking about it, but he promised himself to talk to him about it later.

Mark helped him put on his shirt and cleared his throat when he noticed the embarrassed looks Donghyuck was throwing at the bag.

 

"Do you need ..."

"I'll do this part on my own," Donghyuck blurred out, his cheeks reddening at a worrying speed.

"Alright, sure, whatever is easier for you. I'll stay here and wait until you're done, if you need something or some help, just tell me. "

 

Donghyuck nodded frantically. An awkward moment of silence passed without either of them knowing what to do, and then Donghyuck pushed Mark out of the room. Just before closing the door, Donghyuck bit his lip and called out his boyfriend,

 

"Hey hyung!"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

_I love you._

 

"Anytime."

_I love you too._

 

Donghyuck flashed him a tender smile mirroring his' and closed the door, locking himself in the blinding white room. He silently picked up the cream and lowered his pants. The sooner it was done, the faster he could stop thinking about it. It had been a while since he had not touched that place, and the last time someone did it, Donghyuck would rather not remember it. He leaned forward and leaned with one hand on the sink, trying to find a balance and a position that would allow him to do this as fast as possible.

He jumped when the cold of the cream came into contact with his skin and a shiver run through his body that seemed to bristle to protest the inconvenience. He began to massage the area by making small circles to penetrate the cream effectively, and his thoughts deviated, without him even realizing it. The unpleasant sensation was erased by a gentle warmth of well-being that started in his belly, and went up along his skin until it reached the top of his skull and the tip of his feet, making him shudder. He thought of Mark and his dark hair, Mark and his piercing eyes, Mark and his tender lips, Mark and his caresses. His breath was hacked and he felt his hair stick against his neck as his heart sped up. He pressed his fingers more forcefully against the skin of his buttocks, leaving red streaks, and tried to breathe properly when he thought of Mark's fingers against his bare back,  of his lips against his shoulder and his blistered skin still so sensitive. He was thinking of Mark's hot breath making his hair bristle on his arms, and he also thought of his bodily warmth in which he wanted to melt to never have to part with it again. A new shiver ran through him, his hair bristling again when he felt a ghost of Mark's touch on his arms. He heard his blood drumming against his chest, he smelled his sweat and he watched with an unhealthy fascination his open mouth and his pupils dilate in the mirror, as he began to bring a finger at this place that desperately needed more attention.

 

He opened his eyes sharply, hastily moved his own hand away from his body before committing the irreparable. Failing to panic and not calculating his gesture, he banged his knuckles against the wall on his right, and he stifled a faint groan of pain that escaped his lips anyway. His breathing was erratic as his eyes refused to leave their reflections. _Disgusting._

He brought his wounded and trembling hand against his chest, protected it with his left hand, felt the tears sting his eyes, but he did not give them the chance to sink, even if he clearly wanted to.

After all that had happened to him, he was about to ... thinking about Mark. Of all the people on earth, he had to make Mark dirty. He had to turn him into a sexual object, he had to bring him into this world he was forced into.

 

_What the hell is wrong with me?_

 

"Is everything ok in there?"

 

Donghyuck choked on his own saliva and picked up the cream tubes he had dropped without realizing it, which had made Mark even more alert. _As if crushing my hand against a wall was not enough._

He observed with horror that it was not only his injured hand but his whole body that was trembling like a leaf. A hiss of distress passed between his clenched teeth and he rushed to the sink, frantically washing his hands, rubbing them until he blushed his skin.

 

"Yea- Yeah, everything is fine."

 

He swore under his breath as his voice came weaker than he thought and he cringed as he didn’t even convince himself with that sentence. Mark was going to lose it.

 

"Are you sure?" His voice sounding even more worried than a few seconds ago.

 

"Shit," Donghyuck murmured, closing his eyes and holding his head in his wet hands, "Just ... just give me a second Mark!"

 

_When you're panicked, just snap._

His life motto saved him once again. He'll apologize to Mark later.

He already has so much to apologize for.

 

His gaze settled in spite of himself on the razor he had examined a few moments before. In a fit of weakness, he wondered candidly if everything would be simpler if he decided to use it in a way that had always frightened him.

 

No. It’s still a no. _I don’t want to._

 

He splashed cold water on his face several times and spoke to his own shameful reflection. He tried to convince himself that it was just a moment of bewilderment, that it was not going to happen again, and that nobody needed to know how dirty and perverted his mind was.

  


He didn’t believe a word.

 

.

 

Winwin silently came back in the room and turned off his laptop, draw the curtains and turned off the lights. He didn’t say a word as he brushed his teeth and put on his pyjamas, he only smiled at him softly and whispered a “Goodnight Haechanie” before slipping between his soft sheets. Donghyuck smiled back but the heart wasn’t in it. He still felt extremely disturbed by what had happened a few minutes ago. Mark went back in his room when he was sure Donghyuck was fine, and Donghyuck let him go because he was terrified to look at him in the eyes. 

He was ashamed.

Deeply and inexorably ashamed.

 

He sighed and turned again and again in his bed, unable to find a comfortable position. His back hurt in spite of Mark's careful caring, his stomach hurt, his neck hurt, his feet hurt, his head hurt. The sheets scratched him, then he was too hot, then too cold. His pillow was not soft enough, his mattress too firm.

But all his unpleasantness probably only existed in his head.

 

He was careful not to wake his roommate and put his feet down, his toes curling around the soft carpet. He got up and shuddered as he left the warmth of his blanket, his calves and his bare arms reciting at the thought of having to spend a second more out of the cocoon’s heat. However, he overcame his urge to return into his -uncomfortable- bed.

He tiptoed out of the room and sighed in relief when the door made almost no sound as he closed it behind him. He crossed the corridor with a more relaxed step, weighing the consequences of his action. He had left a note for Winwin not to worry, and a night getaway was not going to hurt him anyway, it’s not like he’d planned to go outside of their hotel. He stopped in front of the room that was a few doors from his and winced in disgust when he saw the state of the table to his right, the dust clearly visible and proudly adorning the surface of the furniture.

He opened the door with the same delicacy he had shown to close his and paused a few moments at the entrance to the room. Darkness was almost full, but he could still see the serene silhouettes sleeping peacefully in front of him.

For once, he decided to be selfish.

He slipped under the comforter of the single bed and immediately, liberating happiness invaded him when Mark’s smell filled his head. Having the impression of breathing for the first time in his life, he took advantage of each great inspiration, and let himself be carried away with joy when Mark turned to face him and passed a lazy arm around his waist, unconsciously bringing him closer. One of his eyelids opened slightly and it seemed to be the hardest thing he’d done this day. Donghyuck could see the moment his tired and foggy face lit up with recognition, and Mark whispered a soft “Hyuck” in a deep voice Donghyuck never heard before and then closed his eyes again. Mark ran a leg over his’, their skins delighting with the touch they craved, their toes curling with happiness, then he pulled him closer, stalling Donghyuck's head underneath his chin, and leaving his other hand slip behind his head to start random and tired caresses in his soft brown hair.

 

Donghyuck leaned in the touch and suddenly, he wasn’t cold anymore, he wasn’t hot either. The sheets weren’t itchy and he had the best pillow in the world, the person who loved him as much as Donghyuck loved him. A drowsy dopey smile crept onto his face and he drew small patterns on Mark’s bare chest, helping him to go back to sleep. He let his mind wander because he felt safe in these arms that were keeping him linked to reality, and they were also reminding him how much he was loved. 

 

 _That felt nice._ He thought as he pressed a feather-light kiss between Mark’s clavicles.

 

_Love is so nice._

 

He cringed at his own sappyness when he realised he started writing ‘I love you’s on Mark’s chest with his fingers that were trapped between them. However, he felt the blood rush in his cheeks when Mark lazily responded, his voice no louder than a whisper “I love you too.”

Donghyuck felt like he was dying from embarrassment as he felt like a child caught in the act, but he quickly reached his serenity when he pressed his ear against Mark's skin, his slow, steady beats rocking Donghyuck’s heart and soothing his incessant thoughts. His eyelids stopped fighting needlessly and he steadied the rhythm of his breaths on Mark's, gradually letting the consciousness escape from his being, as volatile as a cloud of smoke.

 

**_Flash._ **

 

Air stuck in his throat, he opened his eyes sharply and his heart was so surprised that it almost came out of his chest. His hands automatically grabbed Mark's arm, who, in a panicked gesture tried to bring him closer to him while straightening up, but as he was not controlling his movements, the blanket slid to the side and Donghyuck felt the fresh air hit his legs. They intermingled a little more with Mark's, desperate for heat and hiding because he was exposed.

 

**_Flash._ **

 

The second click broke the ambient stupor and pulled them out of their torpor. He had time to see long black hair and excited eyes half hidden behind a big silver camera. Taeil jumped out of his bed and caught the girl by her wrist when he realised that she was trying to escape. She let a high pitch scream out that startled Donghyuck who melted in Mark’s embrace. He felt like he could breathe again, almost instantly relieved to see that his hyung was handling the situation. He heard some rummage in the corridor and light filled the room when the door violently opened, smashing into the wall. Taeil and Taeyong exchanged a glance and seemed to agree on whatever they were silently discussing, because with a simple nod, Taeil took the girl out of the room where security was already waiting for them. Taeyong slowly approached them and held out a shaking hand to Donghyuck's hair before holding himself back and pulling it back down his body.

 

“Are you ok?” 

 

His voice was so sweet and so gentle Donghyuck almost didn’t hear it. The sharp concern he saw in Taeyong’s eyes encouraged him to give a small nod. Taeyong smiled at him, tension still evident on his features.

 

“Both of you?” He asked more carefully, his eyes drifting above Donghyuck’s head.

 

That’s when Donghyuck realised that he still didn’t look at Mark. He slowly moved his head to take a look at his boyfriend. What first struck him was Mark's empty eyes staring at the place the girl invaded a few seconds ago, but without really seeing it. His fingers sank firmly into Donghyuck’s skin who, frightened by the emotionless face of his boyfriend, raised a light hand on his cheek to turn his head so that their eyes could finally cross.

 

"Mark?"

 

It wasn’t even louder than a murmur, but it took Mark out of his trance. His eyes came back to life, then he began to move frantically in a way that was so characteristic of him, while the pressure he exerted on Donghyuck relaxed considerably.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. No worries hyung. I should just go there and make sure-”

“No, you don’t. You’re going to stay here, you’re both going to stay together. Try to sleep, we are going to take care of this. You don’t have to worry anymore, please sleep, we’re leaving early in the morning.” Taeyong gave Mark a peck on the top of his head and picked up their abandoned blanket. He jokingly shoved it to their faces and left the room with a soft smile, but he didn’t forget to check on them with a last worried look before closing the door.

 

As soon as the door locked, darkness filled them again, and Donghyuck quickly put the blanket over them, because he childishly felt safer under its protection. They didn’t hug and just laid on their sides, silently facing each other. They found comfort into the depth of the other’s eyes as they heard Taeyong yell at the security manager. 

The thin walls spared them no details and they could hear the girl crying. They could hear Yuta begging them to do this somewhere else because of how loud they were. They could hear the others asking if they were fine and they could almost smell their worry from their bed. They could hear Taeil angrily asking ‘How could this happen?’

They didn’t say a word for a few long minutes, maybe even half an hour, none of them would be able to tell it. The pair of eyes that were facing them were the most familiar place in this world, and likely to be the only place where they felt safe enough.

 

“Do you think you’re going to sleep?”

“No.” Whispered Mark. “You?”

 

Donghyuck shook his head.

 

“Do you think she took pictures of us?” Muttered Donghyuck. 

“Maybe.” 

 

They looked at each other.

 

“Mark?”

“Yeah?”

 

Donghyuck’s voice wasn’t louder than a whisper but it was the only way he could manage to pronounce these words that were scaring him. The darkness gave him a feeling of safety because somehow, it was a relief that Mark couldn’t completely see him in the obscurity. Donghyuck felt like he wore a protection mask. He didn’t know if it felt great, but at least it was helpful. He still broke the eye contact anyway.

 

“I think I’m weak hyung.” He couldn't lift his eyes again. “I know that I’m the only one who can help myself to go forward and to move on, I know I’m the only one who can act to leave this behind us, I know I should be brave enough to tell you the names. I know you loved me before this happened, and I knew it back then, but I can’t help feeling so insecure. I feel like you are lying to me, even if I know it’s not true, I know you love me, as much as I love you, but a voice in my head keeps telling me that I shouldn’t believe it. I know I should move on and accept myself, but I can’t do that. I think that I was already weak before all of this happened, they just made it worse. They took this part of me and exploited it, and they were able to do that because... I am weak.” 

 

The silent he met made Donghyuck wish he could have just shut his mouth instead of ranting this nonsense that filled his head. However, Mark’s hand cupped his cheek and his thumb stroke it gently. Donghyuck leaned into the touch and covered Mark’s hand with his own, cherishing the raw intimacy they shared in this instant.

 

“You are not weak Donghyuck. You are strong.” The intensity of Mark’s look and his steady voice almost convinced Donghyuck.

“This is what we say to weak people.” He answered bitterly.

 

Mark sighed heavily and cradled Donghyuck’s head into his arms and against his chest, providing him with a warm cocoon that they both needed. He let his fingers wander between the soft strands of brown hair, and gave him a light kiss on the top of his head, before locking it under his’, using Donghyuck’s head as a pillow. 

 

“I’m saying this to you because this is true. You are strong. Stronger than you believe. You’re stronger than any of us because, after everything that happened to you, you’re still here. You’re still alive, and you’re still the most wonderful person I know.”

 

Donghyuck tried to shut down that annoying voice in his head. He knew it was still there, but for tonight, he’ll be strong enough to cast it away. For tonight, he believed these words.

Not because Mark told them to him, not because his friends kept saying it, not because he accomplished something outstanding, but only because he believed it.

He thought about his life. He thought about Jaedong. He thought about Hyunjae. He thought about what he accomplished, he thought about how he survived and how he managed to become the brilliant and talented man he is now because of his hard work.

He knew it was true.

 

_I am strong._

 

.

 

“And what if, I’m adding three cards and I take one of yours?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s called cheating Yuta hyung.”

“And I’m pretty sure that’s called being smart,” Yuta smiled when he stole one of Renjun’s cards, not leaving him the choice to argue more about it.

 

Donghyuck leaned into his chair with a relaxed smile smacked on his face while he was delighted to watch his two friends bickering. Spring was beginning to take hold in Seoul as the first heat forced them to install fans in their waiting room. A SMtown never was a party of pleasure. They went on stage for a few songs and then waited for their seniors to perform until the closing song. They killed time as well as they could: card games, video games, music, the famous "try to kiss Sicheng", or the "the first who finds the name of the movie wins". Some of them simply tried to survive the heat and enjoyed a well-deserved rest near the cold air brewed by the machines. Taeil was dozing in a corner of the room and Taeyong, curled up in his chair in a position that looked anything but comfortable, seemed to be about to join him in his sleep.

Ten taught Jisung how to stretch to avoid sore muscles after a performance. He slipped to the ground to make a split, and embraced his leg with his arms and then rested his head against his knee, wrapping his back in a gracefully feline posture. Most of them were huddled on sofas far too small to accommodate them, and Donghyuck, Renjun, Yuta, Jeno, and Jaehyun crafted seats by circling cushions on the floor right next to the coffee table on which sat Lucas sweating and whining about the heat, who Kun silenced with a kick in his side.

 

"Donghyuck can I talk to you for a second?"

 

Jeno suspended his arm in the air as he was about to drop the card that would have led him to victory, and at the same time, everyone in the room turned their attention to the person timidly leaning against the door. The usual hubbub around them stopped, and Taeil awoke, surprised by the sudden silence. Donghyuck stood up without waiting for any advice from his friends, but he had time to see an encouraging nod from Taeyong.

He followed her down the hall and could not help but notice that she seemed more nervous than him. She tore her nails mindlessly and glanced around them regularly, her long wavy hair falling in the crook of her back with every movement of her head. She made him enter the girls' bathroom, and while he was protesting, she silenced him with an authoritative hand a few inches from his face. An annoyed noise came out of her mouth, she did not pay him second attention and hastened to open all the cabins, assiduously checking that no one could hear them. When she was sure they were alone, she finally seemed to calm down. She sighed and her gestures were less frenzied, more laid and graceful, as he was used seeing them. She finally turned to him, and he could meet eyes that had nothing to do with those he had seen a few seconds before, as if, once they were alone, she allowed herself to show her vulnerability and her affection.

To be quite honest, Donghyuck was absolutely not afraid of her, even when her stiletto heels echoed against the tiled floor of the bathroom. He wasn’t scared, but he was weirded out. They never had any other relationships than professional ones, and he didn’t think he needed to hide in the women's bathroom to talk about his position on stage.

When he saw that she was biting her lip and firmly refusing to speak, he decided to open the conversation, hoping that she would relax.

 

“Can I help you sunbae?”

“Taeyong talked to me.”

“...oh.”

 

Donghyuck put a hand on his forehead and closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down. If Taeyong had told her about it, God only knew who else he had talked to. He made efforts and wanted to be understanding about the actions of his leader, but his decisions seemed cruelly lacking in sense and tact. Her colleague suddenly handed him a small rectangular paper, slightly wrinkled and sporting her fine and graceful handwriting. She did not give him time to refuse as she caught him by surprise by her quick movements.

 

“Please go. It really helps.”

 

When he wanted to ask the question that burned his lips, he could only open his mouth, the sound cutting in his throat while he saw only a strand of brown hair escape through the door. He sighed in frustration, the young woman's volatile behavior annoying him especially as dozens of questions swirled in his head. Even if he suspected some answers, he preferred not to admit it.

He put his feet back on the ground when he heard a little scandalous cry on his right. Realizing where he was, he flatly apologized to the staff's woman and hastened to join the corridor. He took a heavy, determined step as he was already preparing the words he was going to use against Taeyong, his rage bubbling down his throat like a corrupt muse. However, it was dispelled in less than a second when he passed a wide open door, which was usually closed. He stopped, hesitated for a second, contemplating his options. He could - and should - continue on his way to yell at Taeyong, or he could slip through the opening of that door to search the room a bit. He glanced at his cell phone, checking that there was enough time left before his next performance, then he rolled his eyes thinking that his curiosity was going to end up killing him.

Whatever he had hoped to find in this room so white that it gave him a headache, he didn’t find it. He could not help being disappointed, even though he did not even know what he was looking for, or what he would do with it if he found something strange or incriminating.

It was stupid and reckless to come here, and most of all, it was useless. He ransacked the office, glimpsed at the newspaper that had caused them so much trouble with their picture with the American police on the front page, and then he wanted to carefully put the papers as he had found them a few minutes before, but he stopped when he heard a telephone vibrate. Panicked that one of his friends was worried about his prolonged absence, he rushed his phone out of his back pocket but realized he had no new notification. He frowned and slowly turned his head toward the source of the sound when it rang a second time. His heart quickened and he glanced nervously at the door, checking three times that no one was about to enter. He saw the phone's screen light up weakly, and he took it, his hands shaking with apprehension.

 

_Unknown, 09:59:_

_Everyone did their part of the job, even the kid did! We lead him where you wanted so we deserve our money!_

 

_Unknown, 10:17:_

_You were supposed to pay my caution, to get me out of here!_

 

_Unknown, 10:22:_

_We had a deal!_

 

_Unknown, 10:28:_

_How convenient that you left the country…_

 

_Unknown, 10:36:_

_I’ll find you and cut each of your thief's fingers until you give me what you owe me_

 

_Unknown, 11:03:_

_Consider yourself a dead man._

  


“I’m delighted to see that you decided to pay me a little visit Haechan.”

 

Donghyuck uttered a scream of pure fright, the surprise making his muscles convulse, his fingers inevitably dropping the device whose screen cracked, not bearing the shock of its sudden fall against the cold ground.

_No, please no._

 

“I’m sorry I need to go back on stage.”

 

He bowed and strode to the door, head and eyes down, hoping with all his strength that he would manage to escape by remaining discreet. He froze on his spot when he felt a big strong hand on his right shoulder. A shudder got all the way down his spine, and he found himself unable to breathe correctly.

 

“Don’t think you can go away after what you’ve done, look at it, it’s _shattered._ ”

 

He got closer to him at each word he pronounced, soon locking him against the wall.

“Don’t you think you have to repay me for that?” he asked in an over-sweet voice, tilting his head to the side as he closed the space between their two faces.

 

Donghyuck was frozen.

His hands were flat against the wall that supported him, and his whole body seemed to merge with the structure. His eyes were wide open and he did not blink once, because the darkness would make everything even more terrifying because it would unleash his imagination. His eyelids began to shake and his eyes burned, many vital tears running down his cheeks after filling his eyes, trying to save them from the drought caused by the ruthless cold air. He observed with horror that he could see and describe in detail Jaedong's nascent beard and holes in his imperfect skin. He felt the greasy heat and foul odour of his putrid breath as his open mouth moved inexorably closer to his. Reflexively, he licked his lips and immediately regretted his gesture when he was imprisoned in an unwanted kiss.

His mind shut down.

He never did that before. He never kissed him. He never kissed him gently. He never kissed him like a lover would. He never kissed him _like Mark would._

It was so different than the other times.

Donghyuck felt like Jaedong raped his soul.

 

After what seemed like an eternity, the older man pulled back and smiled, his eyes glowing with unhealthy satisfaction.

 

“I think you must go, we don’t want you to be late, do we?” Jaedong murmured in his disgustingly fake honeyed voice.

 

Donghyuck stared at the ground and shook his head frantically, his jaw shaking uncontrollably.

 

“I can’t hear anything!” He suddenly shouted, making Donghyuck shriek back into himself, startled by the sudden change in his attitude.

 

“We- we don’t want that.” He mumbled, no louder than a whisper.

 

“Sir,” Jaedong insisted, clearly annoyed.

 

“Sir.”

 

He gave him a bright smile and went to sit at his desk, picking up his phone with a sigh of pain, his old age not helping his back problems.

 

“It was nice meeting you here. We should take more time just for ourselves, alone. I feel like we sort of drifted away these days,” he laughed lightly before giving a blank face, “now go.”

 

Donghyuck didn’t need to be told twice.

 

He stumbled in the corridor, putting a hand on the wall to keep him standing. He pressed his right hand against his mouth to smother the thin sounds of distress he could not control. He had the unpleasant sensation of being separated from his body for a few moments, hearing his whimpers as if they came from another person, he then came back brutally to reality, his cruel memory made him relive that moment with a dreadful likelihood. He ran to the bathroom, stumbling on the way. He felt the sweat run down his neck and forehead, he saw the hairs of his arms bristle as if in an attempt to protect him and he could not calm his heart that was trying to keep him alive. These texts were saying so many things. They said that Donghyuck had been manipulated, they said that people he thought he could trust were accomplices, they said that Jaedong was much smarter than Donghyuck believed, they said that Donghyuck wasn’t safe anywhere, they said that Jaedong was everywhere. Jaedong was like a ghostly entity reigning on the earth using only one of his hands. Donghyuck thought he had scared him, he thought he had control of the situation again, but Jaedong had ten costs in advance, even though Donghyuck did not notice it. He couldn’t go on like this, not when he was scared that death was waiting for him at every corner.

 

He locked the door behind him and gripped the edges of the sink, his knuckles turning as white as his excruciatingly pale face. His breathing was irregular and the tears that began to flow made the situation even more complicated. His inhalations and exhalations were loud, _too loud_ , sometimes sibilant, and were interrupted by violent and indomitable sobs. His breathing was sometimes interrupted for long seconds, blurring a little more his vision and his mind that could not produce clear reasoning. He gritted his teeth as he stared at the bloodshot eyes in the mirror, and he put a hand to his throat squeezing it without really knowing why. 

He needed to do it. 

His throat burned, his eyes burned, his lungs burned, his lips burned.

 

The tears on his cheeks and the corners of his eyes began to dry, making his skin rough and sensitive, and he sniffled loudly, preventing the snot from sinking and adding color to the horrible paint that was emerging right in front of him. He opened the taps and plunged his lips under the hot water, rubbing them with all his strength and almost choked on breathing through his mouth, his sobs still not having calmed down. He was suffering but it was a derisory price in exchange for the hope of vanishing those atrocious memories at the bottom of the pipes. He tore the skin from his lips, and it was when the hot water came into contact with his cuts that he finally decided to raise his head and stop his execution. With his nails, he rapped his tongue, ripping some taste buds, but he still felt that presence and this disgust he could not get rid of, so without thinking, he grabbed the soap and rubbed it on his tongue, his lips, inside his mouth. The taste was foul, but it was always better than the taste of shame. He choked on the bubbles and the foam, coughing violently to try to free his trachea, then rinsed one last time. Red and swollen eyes, dried tears, bloody, swollen lips, drool trickling down his chin, weakness in his eyes; his reflection made him want to vomit. He panicked when he saw that he had only ten minutes left to return to their room before they were called for the final stage, and passed water on his face, trying to look presentable not to arouse suspicion.

 

The tension that enveloped his friends when he entered the room told him that his efforts were in vain, however, he received no comment, his friends having the tact to continue their conversations, but they couldn’t help but throw him worried glances. Without a word, he went to sit next to Mark. He clasped their shoulders and wrapped his arms around his knees, leaning slightly forward to watch the naval battle Mark played against Johnny, mostly to pretend he was not thinking too hard about something else. Saving the appearances. But Mark stared at him for long seconds, his black cap hiding his hair and his round glasses being a thin bulwark against the intensity of his eyes. As always, Mark seemed to understand. Maybe he did not understand what had happened, he certainly had no idea, but he understood Donghyuck. Mark knew that at that moment, the words would be too much, he knew that Donghyuck needed affection, support, security, stability and warmth.  So he focused on the game again, and casually lifted his left hand to stroke Donghyuck's nape. Donghyuck leaned into the touch and let his tired head fall on Mark’s shoulder, letting his muscles rest and his heartbeat slow down. They didn’t say a word to each other but it wasn’t needed. It felt weird that their best way of communication was just to be around the other, but without really knowing why, as soon as they open their mouth, things get more complicated. Donghyuck closed his eyes and sighed contentedly as he felt Mark's fingers rub the base of his skull and intertwine in his hair. Like all the others, he took advantage of his last minutes of rest before the work called them again, yet, despite everything he felt, as he breathed Mark's perfume and surrendered himself to his comforting warmth, he could not help but think he was the luckiest in the room.

 

.

 

The sun's rays dazzled him, yet they did not bring with them their usual warmth. It was unusually cold for a spring morning, and the first green leaves and new blooms contrasted with each of Donghyuck’s exhalations that condensed the cold air in front of him. After an incredibly hot week, an incomprehensibly cold day had been announced by meteorologists.

 

Donghyuck did not believe in coincidences. 

 

Perhaps it was fate that shouted at him to turn back, a superior force might be trying to slow him down by freezing his bones. He was desperate to accept these signs and run away, especially since he had been too distracted when leaving the dorm and had forgotten not only his sunglasses but also his cap, leaving no more than his black mask as the only bulwark between his identity and the rest of the world. His hands firmly seated in the pockets of his beige coat to keep them a little warm, he was resolutely walking in the streets of Seoul without stopping even a few seconds, for fear of being recognized. 

 

The consequences would be catastrophic. 

 

His fingers brushed the crumpled piece of paper that his colleague had nervously given him a few days earlier. Everything seemed to indicate that it was a bad idea, and yet he found himself on a Saturday, at six in the morning, walking alone to meet the rendez-vous, driven by his curiosity.

 

Of course, he knew where he was going, he was not unconscious at this point, he had searched the address on google maps. Yet he was taken aback by the beauty and splendor of the huge building. Its cold and austere appearance contrasted with the warm colors of its stained glass windows, and while the place seemed rather welcoming, Donghyuck could not help but be intimidated by its size. His colleague had already arrived, and was accompanied by her bandmate _-should I have come with Mark?_

 

Donghyuck already had some opportunities to chat with Amber, and the young woman had always been friendly and respectful with him. On the other hand, Krystal's icy and phlegmatic attitude had always kept him away from her, both intentionally and involuntarily. Her posture did not really help Donghyuck to feel more comfortable. She was leaning against the wall of the cathedral, dressed entirely in black, arms crossed and a scarf hiding half of her face. Amber seemed to radiate even louder than the sun, her blond hair getting tangled with the wind. Her exacerbated gestures and her voice that was loud enough to go up to Donghyuck indicated that she was probably telling a story, perhaps hoping to make her friend laugh. 

 

Donghyuck had no desire, nor courage to disturb the scene that seemed particularly intimate, and it was only by looking closer that he noticed the shadow of a real smile at the corner of Krystal's eyes, just before she turned her head to fix him with her deep eyes.

 

There was no turning back now.

 

Donghyuck walked slowly, and his eyes dropped to the ground, not bearing the power of the eyes of his five-year-old elder. When he arrived in front of them, the mood became unbearably awkward. Nobody dared to start the conversation, Krystal did not move an inch, her head still in her scarf as Amber gestured nervously, moving from one foot to the other. 

 

Donghyuck noticed that she was holding coffee in her hands and was surprised that she had not spilt a drop of it because of the way she moved. A picture of a strange friendship presented itself to him: an extrovert charged with electricity and an imperturbable princess of ice. Amber's eyes played tennis between him and Krystal, then she decided to break the awkward and uncomfortable mood by clearing her throat. She handed him _-forced him to take-_ one of the two coffees and he thanked her by bowing at least three times, the nervousness making him much more polite than necessary. She laughed nervously, making him stand up and told him it was nothing. An uncomfortable silence settled in again and she patted him on the shoulder, telling him that she was delighted to have seen him before disappearing, not without an encouraging glance at Krystal.

 

Once they were alone, Donghyuck found himself trapped in one of the most embarrassing moments of his life, and nervously turned his hot cup in his hands, seeking at all costs a distraction, as futile as it would be.

 

"I'm glad you came."

 

Her voice, soft and barely louder than a whisper surprised Donghyuck who raised his head and opened his eyes comically. He was expecting a distant, authoritarian and maybe even nasty person, but kindness was predominant in her voice as well as in her eyes, which he only noticed when he finally dared to look at her. He had always been impressed by his seniors, but she had an aura that made her look like a dominant and cold person, classy and distant, ungrateful and disrespectful. However, when there was only the both of them, he could see in her eyes’ sincerity that she was quite the opposite.

 

_A shield._

 

He realized that she didn’t have any drink, and he panicked, feeling guilty for accepting Amber's -even if he hadn’t really had a choice. She seemed to notice it and pulled her head out of her scarf to offer him a tiny smile that astonished Donghyuck.

 

"What about you Krystal sunbae?" He stammered, which was completely out of his habit and he cursed himself for such a lack of confidence and personability. However, she did not laugh at him and just shook her head.

“I don’t like coffee, and please call me Soojung. I don’t like that my friends call me by my stage name.” Donghyuck's heart warmed to the shy implication and to the feeling of being understood, just as it had been with Jaehyun's mother, but with a connection that was even stronger, because Soojung came from the same professional field as him, and their age difference was not that big.

“Me neither.” She smiled at him tenderly and looked at the doors, before getting off of the wall, standing up with dignity. 

“We should go now, it’s going to start in a few minutes.”

 

Donghyuck was still nervous, but at least the tension between him and Soojung had completely disappeared, allowing him to have an ally in hostile territory. He threw his empty cup in the trash and put his mask back under the curious gaze of his new friend. However, she made no remark, and she guided him inside, making him discover a gigantic room mostly empty and slightly away from the main hall. Cheap folding chairs were arranged in a circle in the middle of the room, a buffet was on the left, and the room was lit by the sunlight passing through the stained glass windows. Soojung left him alone when she was called by a small and chubby woman, so Donghyuck walked to the table covered with a white cloth torn in places. They were offered fruit juice, coffee pods, tea bags, biscuits that looked as hard as stones, and occasionally people came to decorate the table of cakes that were probably homemade. It really was not luxury, but it also gave Donghyuck a comfortable family feeling. He was going to drink some water when a hand on his shoulder made him jump.

 

"I really do not recommend Baekhee’s cookies, everyone knows they are inedible, even she does! She makes them every time because she wants to improve, it must be well over a year now,” Jaehyun's mother gave him a dazzling smile, which Donghyuck could only reciprocate despite his surprise.

“You didn’t tell me you were coming here!”

“I felt like you weren’t exactly ready for that when we met. It allowed you to get to know Soojung better!"

 

Donghyuck nodded, watching his colleague laugh and hug a woman younger than her.

Only when they sat on the chairs and the meeting was about to begin, did a detail hit Donghyuck.

 

_There are girls only._

 

His eyes shifted nervously between the different people who made up the circle, then he gnawed his nails, anxious about having to attend this meeting, he had no idea how these kinds of events went. He imitated the others and took off his coat and mask which he put on his knees to try to keep a little heat, the room being uncomfortably cold because of the stone walls.

 

“First, I’d like to welcome our new members, please say hello to Juliette and Donghyuck!” It was the chubby lady from earlier, she seemed to lead the session. The other women applauded, and Donghyuck automatically felt uncomfortable in front of the unwanted attention he was getting.

 

Why did they applaud them? 

 

The chubby lady seemed to read his mind as she said, "Thanks to all of you, it takes a lot of courage to come here."

 

Donghyuck eyed her suspiciously but behaved properly and nodded to thank her, mostly to stop the applause.

 

"Who wants to speak first?"

 

Donghyuck began to sweat when he saw several hands rise. 

Did they do it willingly? Did they want to do it? 

 

_Will he have to talk too?_

 

“I want to talk about something that happened yesterday. It’s not much, really, and I feel like I’m just overreacting,”

“You can talk about anything you want to share with us, we won’t judge you, Eleanor,”

“When I came back from work, a guy followed me in the streets, I tried to get rid of him but he kept following me so I got scared and I ran away. His look made me feel very uncomfortable, it reminded me of the look he had, and I felt like I was back in the basement again, I felt like I was an object again.”

“Thank you for sharing this with us, and we’re sorry this happened to you, remember that you can always enter in a shop or seek for other people’s help if you feel too scared.”

 

And there’s the applause again. It started to make Donghyuck sick. 

He felt weird as well because he understood the feeling that girl had. He has it as well sometimes when he walks in the streets, sometimes he thinks he’s paranoid, sometimes he feels like someone is going to attack him, sometimes he feels like people don’t even see him as a person, sometimes he feels like people know what happened to him, just by looking at him. It was oppressing and terrifying, and he couldn’t talk about it because he didn’t know how to talk about it, what words to put on what he felt. He must admit that hearing another person sharing the same thoughts is quite relieving and therapeutic.

 

That’s when Jaehyun’s mom decided to talk.

 

“I’m gonna talk about something that happened over seven years ago. My son, Yoonoh was fifteen at the time, and I knew he was aware of what was happening and I think this was killing me more than anything else. Sometimes, my husband would take out his anger on him, but thankfully, he never touched my son the way he touched me. Yoonoh was at school, and I knew he was going to get back in less than an hour, and my husband was incredibly angry but for god only knows what reason, he didn’t lay a finger on me. The problem is, I knew he was going to beat up my son as soon as he was going to pass the door of our flat, so I did the only thing I could think of at the time. I infuriated him even more, so he’d take it all out on me.”

“I can’t exactly remember what I told him, I just remember that it worked. I remember the feeling of my head being smashed on the couch’s armrest, I remember how he pulled my hair, I remember the feeling of the warm blood on my skin. I remember how much he hurt me when he raped me that day. I still remember his eyes, I still remember how he spat on me and told me I was only fulfilling my duty. No matter how hurt I was, I still don’t regret those decisions, I couldn’t bear the sight of him even being near my son again. I often felt guilty though, because I thought I pushed him to rape me that day, I got what I provoked by pushing him to the edge, but now I know I wasn’t the problem. I vividly remember when he left for work. I tried to gather myself as I took off my makeup, washed and put on some fresh clothes, I remember cooking for my son and welcoming him when he arrived. I was looking wonderful, however, my son, my dear son, could see through me. I still don’t really know what he saw into my eyes that day when he came back from school, but he started to cry and he hugged me so tight I thought I was going to break in half. It was the day I left everything behind and started a new life with my son. I packed his belongings and we went to my sister’s house. “

“A few days later, I asked for a divorce, and it was probably the best decision of my life. I’m not going to say it was easy, the procedure was long, complicated, and my ex-husband definitely put up a fight, but it was worth it. I never mentioned what really happened to me to anyone, not even my son, even though I know he guessed, with how clever he is. However, I’m telling you now, to all of you. I’m telling you that you have the power to change your life, I’m telling you that fighting is worth it. I’m telling you that you should trust yourself, and to never give up, no matter how hard life can be.”

 

Soon, applause filled the room and echoed between its walls.

 

Donghyuck also applauded.

 

.

 

“Where are you going hyungs?” 

 

Donghyuck looked away from the mirror as he heard Mark's voice. The heat had fallen on Seoul again, making their rehearsals and practices even more painful, and as if the heat and the bright light were not enough, the music which turned in a loop gave him a terrible headache. Jaehyun, Yuta, Taeyong and Doyoung were about to leave the room without warning them and to be quite honest, Donghyuck did not really want to know what they were going to do. He was already struggling to stand up and not collapse like a ragdoll on the polished floor of the training room, which he had learned to hate while loving it. 

 

He could not quite hear what they told Mark, but he didn’t care as he finally decided to crash on the attractive floor, into a magnificent position of starfish, giving up in the face of gravity. He heard Mark laugh, and did not need to open his eyes to understand that he was sitting behind his head. Soon, he felt thin but strong fingers massaging his scalp and he let out a sound caught between a moan and a growl. Mark chuckled again and Donghyuck felt himself lulled by that wonderful noise, slowly drifting to sleep as his heartbeat slowed down significantly.

 

“I think I need a shower hyung.”

“You definitely do need a shower. My fingers are covered in sweat now, courtesy of your majesty Lee Donghyuck.”

 

Donghyuck opened his eyes as he laughed, and could admire Mark’s upside down face, making him laugh a little bit louder. He got up and took his bag to go into their shower room.

 

“I never asked for this, you chose to do this by yourself.”

“I guess my fingers were just too irresistibly attracted by your nonchalance, your highness.” 

 

Donghyuck rolled his eyes and after he dropped his stuff, he turned around to drop a quick peck on Mark's lips.

 

“Don’t keep saying things like that, Mark. I could get used to being treated like royalty, and we both know the consequences would be horrendous.” 

 

Mark winced as he imagined the result, and went to sit against the mirror, his cell phone in one hand, telling Donghyuck to go shower first.

They used to shower together. Not only Mark and him but all the members. The shower room was huge, organised like a locker-room common shower, and they could all easily fit in together. It was the easiest way to get home earlier and together. 

Donghyuck didn’t really know how to feel about this. Of course, he was grateful to his friends and relieved that they were giving him some privacy that he desperately needed, but at the same time, he felt like he was bothering a routine they were used to, and he couldn’t help but feel bad about it. He started to avoid showering with them when it all started, because he couldn’t bear the sight of his own body so he didn’t want to impose it on his friends, moreover, he didn’t want to respond to their questions about suspicious marks on his skin. It was only months ago but it felt like a lot more than that. He was glad to have stopped hiding, lying and trapping his own friends, and even if it did not fix his problems, it was one weight less on his shoulders. He no longer had to pretend, no longer had to worry about being discovered, and if that meant he had to shake up some of their habits, then so be it. 

He sighed and undressed, thinking that it was useless to torture himself since he was unable to shower with them again anyway.

He turned the water on, but as soon as it touched his skin, he screamed and got away from it. It was burning hot. The part of his skin touched by the water was already starting to turn into a bright red color, as he heard Mark calling him from the other side of the door. He tried to turn it off but in vain, the water wouldn’t stop flowing. He grumbled and got closer to the door so Mark could hear him despite the sound of the water hitting the floor. 

 

“Hyung! The water is too hot and I can’t turn it off.”

“Alright just wait a minute I’m gonna talk to the janitor. Get dressed and get out of here.”

 

Donghyuck grunted and went to his bag, shuffling his feet. Knowing the effectiveness of the janitor, he would surely have to wait until his hyungs come back, he would have to wait to go back to the dormitory and considering his condition, it was going to be unbearable. His skin and hair stuck, he stank, and he was pretty sure that his skin had changed in nature because of how dirty and sweaty he was.

 Before he could put on his underwear, he heard the door creak behind him. 

 

His heart quickened, the fear infiltrating his veins knowing that none of his friends and even less Mark would have entered without warning. He had no time to turn around or cover himself before a firm hand clung around his neck. The air flew from his lungs in a few seconds, and he automatically put his hands to his throat, like a reflex. His eyes seemed to be about to explode as he scratched the hand of the man who held him prisoner, desperately trying to make him let go, but he quickly realized he was hitting the leather of a glove and that his thin attacks were useless. 

The warm, moist air did not help, as the heat of the water created clouds of mist making the air unbreathable. After an eternity, the pressure relaxed enough that he could breathe a great sip of air, his throat emitting a disturbing hiss, but he hardly had enough time to recover, that the hand tightened again around his neck screaming in agony. His muscles and nerves were crushed, and his trachea burned because of the lack of air and each and every one of his brutal inhalations as soon as the pressure became less strong. 

 

A second hand was added to the first and they guided him to the still flowing water. The panic took possession of him at the very thought of having to be trapped under this furnace, and he completely lost control of his body. He resisted the best he could, his feet racing in an uncontrollable dance trying to hit his attacker with the little strength he had while the lack of oxygen began to seriously lead him to unconsciousness. 

 

When he no longer had the strength to resist, he tried to slow down his attacker by dropping his body, releasing all his muscles, in order to transform himself into a living anchor, naively hoping that it would be enough.

However, it only lasted a few seconds and he felt his feet dragging against the ground, the heat inevitably approaching his head.

 

Then, Jaedong squeezed so hard that Donghyuck felt life slip out of him.

 

It is a pain he would have preferred to never experience in his whole life.

The water was attacking his wounds that were not yet fully healed, his skin seemed to be about to melt, and the scalding water was sneaking into his throat and lungs when he was forced to gasp to let in some air while his head was firmly held under the water. He burned from the inside as well as from the outside. He kept his eyes closed to preserve them, but the darkness only made him feel a little closer to death at every agonising second that passed.

 

After what seemed like an eternity, he was finally pulled out of the infernal waterfall and he could breathe again. He put his hands to his throat which was screaming to stop this torture when every breath inflicted a pain that caused him spasms, while his whole body seemed to convulse. He found himself on the ground and leaned as best he could against the wall, as his throat continued to produce barely human sounds. His cough was uncontrollable and he was choking while trying to spit the water out of his lungs, his gagging noises resonating in the closed room.

 

“Your boyfriend will need some time to reboot the water heating system so I think we can chat for a bit, just the both of us Haechan,” even if he had wanted to answer, his abused vocal cords would certainly not have obeyed him. He just watched, completely terrified, Jaedong squatting in front of him. He did not touch him, but he put his face close to his so that Donghyuck could feel his breath against his mistreated skin.

 

“You know, Haechan, I think about you all the time. There’s this whole situation, this whole story between us and I’ve thought about the problem for quite some time, but every time I’m getting closer to a solution, it just slips away.” His light tone made Donghyuck sick. Suddenly, his eyes darkened again and he got so close that Donghyuck was tempted to close his eyes as he couldn’t focus. “My mind can’t find a way to make you _understand._ ” 

 

His threatening voice wavered, and Donghyuck saw a glint in his eyes. A glint that he knew all too well.

 

Jaedong was afraid.

 

Donghyuck suppressed his urge to smile as he caught a glimpse of the man’s despair, but it wasn’t enough, because somehow, Jaedong seemed to notice that he was able to read this secret part of him that he wanted to hide so much. He gently brushed his fingers against Donghyuck’s face and slip his fingers into his hair in an almost loving gesture, only to tear them hard, breaking any display of niceness and almost ripping them off Donghyuck’s scalp.

 

“I’ll see you at your next schedule.”

 

His head fell softly against his chest, and his knees went up automatically as he tried to lock himself in a protective cocoon.

The door slammed shut.

The water stopped.

He did not move, the tiling bringing his skin a liberating freshness.

His breathing calmed down.

He heard the calls.

He heard the door open.

He did not move.

Mark's jacket around his shoulders enveloped him in a reassuring warmth that contrasted with the one that almost got him killed.

His eyes, always so expressive, betrayed his panic, but his face did not show anything.

Donghyuck was too tired to talk.

He let his body and head fall forward on Mark's shoulder who squatted in front of him.

The familiar fingers rushed into his hair.

He laid a kiss on top of his skull.

No words were exchanged.

 

“I want to go home now, hyung.”

 

.

 

“How can you be so sure it’s here?”

“I trained longer than you did.”

“Show off.’

 

Doyoung rolled his eyes and cleared the way, pushing Yuta and Jaehyun to the side. He opened the door hesitantly and passed his head inside the room. Immediately, a smell of perspiration, tears and fatigue stung his nose. He signalled to his friends to enter silently and watched with a twinge of the heart the SM trainees who did not spare them a look, remaining stubbornly focused on their reflections in the mirror. Doyoung had wished never to approach this atmosphere again, that part of his life almost shattered him, the constant competition, the famine, the debasement of his person, the isolation, overwork, the uncertainty of success, exhaustion.

Only this time, it wasn’t about him, and he could put his ghosts of the past aside for a few moments if it could allow him to help Donghyuck and other young people.

The music ended and Doyoung took the opportunity to stop the automatic playlist, and clapped his hands, a kind smile on his face as he faced the youngers.

 

“You all did very well!”

 

He was here for Donghyuck, but it doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t take care of them, especially when half of them looked close to fainting. 

As soon as they noticed who entered the room, some gasps could be heard, and they all bowed to them, showing their endless respect and admiration for their seniors. 

Doyoung’s smile turned stiff and he forced them to stop, as he felt he was receiving far too much compared to what he deserved.

 

_After all, he didn’t even notice Donghyuck was about to kill himself._

 

A shudder ran through his spine but he quickly cast it away as his smile grew larger.

 

“I’m proud of you and I hope you’ll be successful!” He awkwardly put a fist in the air as he tried to cheer them up but he knew it looked ridiculous. He quickly glanced at his friends who lamely attempted to hide their snickering behind their hands while Yuta’s mouth was weirdly twisted as he tried to hold back his laughter. _Assholes._

“Um… we were practising near this room,” a lie, they were practising five floors higher. This was the basement. “it reminded us nice memories,” another lie, the memories Doyoung associates with this room are the worst of his life, “so we thought we could pay you a little visit because you all deserve a nice break.” At least that part was true.

 

Doyoung’s heart broke in half when he watched the trainees throwings looks at each other, silently wondering if it was alright for them to take a break or if it was a test and that if they decide to stop training, one of their instructors will suddenly break into the room to yell at them.

He couldn’t blame them, he would have had the exact same reaction.

He stood awkwardly before then and felt like he could breathe again when some of the bravest -or stupidest- finally decided to sit. 

He shared a quick look with Taeyong and nodded, signalling he was ready to start the plan.

 

But he wasn’t ready.

 

Hearing these things from Donghyuck’s mouth destroyed him, and he wasn’t sure he could handle hearing such atrocities again, from people even younger than his friend, but it wasn’t about him.

Maybe he had some sort of self-sacrificing complex.

 

“Can I talk to you?” 

 

It went like this for at least an hour, they just talked to their juniors about their lives and their passions, to ‘know them a bit more’. _Bullshit_. They only did it to spot victims of sexual abuse. 

 

Doyoung closed his eyes.

 

All of this looked a bit too much like un interrogation for him.

None of them decided to speak. Maybe they had nothing to hide, maybe they didn’t want to talk to them. Maybe they _couldn’t_ talk.

Maybe they were afraid, just like he was when he was younger, and he never had to face abuse in his entire life. 

Yuta closed a firm hand on his shoulder and whispered to him that he thought some girls might be victims as well because he saw in their eyes something he only saw in Donghyuck’s. 

He named them. 

That left an acid taste in Doyoung’s mouth. 

 

They were thirteen, fourteen and twelve. _Twelve, thirteen and fourteen._

 

He let out a shaky breath and thanked his friend quietly. Of course, Yuta would be the one to read between the lines, to see past the appearances, like he always did, as observant as he is.

 

_Then why didn’t he noticed how bad Donghyuck’s condition was?_

 

Doyoung shook his head and forced this annoying voice to shut up.

Nobody was to blame.

_Except myself._

 

He let his eyes wander around the room, and he felt his heart clench at the sight of these children’s skeletal arms, of their ankles sticking out, of their shoulders that looked like they were trying to tear their skin. He felt his eyes sting when he looked at their hollow, drained faces and empty, unsure eyes that reminded him too much of his own.

 

“Take your bags, we’re going out for dinner. You can eat whatever you want, food is on me.”

 

.

 

Donghyuck adjusted his chair and gave a nice smile to Baekhee while he was eating one of her -atrocious- cookies. Don’t get him wrong, they tasted really bad. But for some inexplicable reason, he grew fond of it, just like he grew fond of this cold place that odly felt warm enough to feel like home. Catheline -the leader- ruffled his hair and he loudly whined and complained about it even if he felt heat and redness fill his cheeks as a comforting warm feeling settled in his stomach. The colored light drawing patterns on the stone floor calmed his heart and helped him to always feel at ease.

Or maybe it was just the people coming here.

 

“How about we start with Juliette today?”

“Sounds like a great idea to me. She was just telling to me that she wanted to speak but didn’t dare to do it earlier.” Soojung softly said.

 

Donghyuck leaned forward and listened closely while pretending to be mildly distracted because he felt the exact same way Juliette did.

However, when they saw Juliette’s hesitant face, they decided it was better to start with Soojung.

 

Somehow, hearing what happened to her was infinitely more painful than he had imagined. Not only she had become one of his greatest friends, but what happened to her could have easily happened to him. _It could happen to him._

Her experience was scarily rooted in his own reality. 

They worked at the same place, they almost had the same contract, they had common staff members, their liberty was hampered the same way for both of them. 

When she spoke, it made him uncomfortable to the point that he almost felt Jaedong’s hands on him again, even if he was nowhere near him at the moment. 

However, he couldn’t just shut down her words, he couldn’t help but be drawn into her narrative, as a morbid fascination took upon his mind.

He listened to how her press agent organised a meeting for her. He listened to how she was obliged to have a man thrice older than she was and that she never met before. He listened to how she was forced to strip for him and how he jerked off and came on her face as tears were rolling down her face, humiliation and hurt still vividly present in her voice. He listened to how she was forced to stay in the locked room because the man bought her for a few hours. He listened to how she was so desperate that at some point she took an active part in it so it could end faster. He listened to what happened next, but he couldn’t imagine it. He listened to how her press agent congratulated her for her good job.

 

He listened to how it happened over and over again. 

 

Krystal’s voice almost didn’t waver when she told her story, but her eyes were blank, and Donghyuck sadly wondered if sometimes she also had the impression of going somewhere else for a few minutes. Going somewhere you don’t want to go back to.

 

“I think I’m ready to talk now.”

 

Juliette was a sweet girl in her twenties, maybe just older than Donghyuck from a year or two. She had gorgeous red hair and very pale skin. Her entire persona was shining, but her eyes were the saddest pair Donghyuck ever saw in his life. And he saw his own in a mirror.

 

“It happened a few months ago, and I never really wanted to talk about it because… because… Because I feel like this is my fault.”

 

Donghyuck’s hands tightly grasped around his pants.

 

“No, it’s not even that.” She left a shaky humorless laugh out and rolled her eyes to the side, avoiding to look at any of the women facing her. “I _know_ it’s my fault. I know you’re going to tell me that it’s not, but it won’t keep away this feeling I have. I can’t get it out of my head.”

“We were at a party with my friends. We wanted to celebrate because I just got my diploma.” Soojung muttered a quiet ‘congrats’ and it helped Juliette to relax a bit. She smiled softly and continued. 

“I was having a lot of fun with my friends but the party was lame and the music didn’t fit our taste but somehow, for an unknown reason, I didn’t want to leave that nightclub. How ironic it is now, right?”

“We drank a lot. Unfortunately for me, I have an excellent drunk memory. We danced, we laughed, we sang. Harmless stuff. We were five so I thought we were safe if we stayed together. Then, I saw a handsome guy a few meters away from me. My friends encouraged me to go to him and cheered for me when I did. I think I will never be able to forget his face. “

“I danced with him because he looked good and his blue eyes got me hooked. He took me away from the crowd and we settled on a corner couch. We were making out for at least twenty minutes until he started to pull off my bra and to pass a hand under my skirt. But I didn’t want to, however, I don’t know why, but I never said ‘no’. I got so uncomfortable, I was hot and confused and I know I wanted him to leave me alone but I didn’t dare to say anything. I just stayed limp until he finished what he wanted to do, and he left me on that couch, where everyone in the crowd could see me.”

“I could have searched for help, I could have said ‘no’, I could have stopped flirting with him, I could have stood up and go to my friends, but I did none of this. I’m not even sure I can call this a rape. I feel disrespectful towards you when I’m doing it. After hearing your terrible stories, after hearing about how strong you are and how you fought back, I can’t live with myself knowing that I’m making a fuss for something I provoked.”

 

“It’s not your fault!”

 

Donghyuck had to take a few seconds to realise that the echo ricocheting against the walls was a reproduction of his own voice. The proud looks on his friends’ faces only confirmed it.

It was the first time he ever spoke during a meeting. 

 

“Why do you think so Donghyuck?” The leader managed to ask with a voice as light as a feather.

 

He didn’t have to think twice about his answer. He turned to Juliette and looked at her in the eyes, strongly wishing he could just get up and take her hands in his own. 

 

“You were drunk. You were not able to give your consent. And what he did was wrong, he should have made sure it was what you really wanted, he should have asked you. He shouldn’t even have touched you when you were drunk, he shouldn’t have left you there that night. He is the problem, you aren’t. You were just going out to have fun with your friends, drinking is not illegal, dressing nicely isn’t illegal, what he did was illegal, and everyone telling you otherwise should seriously revise their way to see the world. You were a victim Juliette, not a culprit.”

“What happened to you, Juliette… it’s unfair.”

 

Everyone applauded.

Donghyuck swallowed heavily while Juliette’s relieved tears fell down her cheeks.

 

He couldn’t believe how hypocritical he was.

 

“Do you want to tell us something about you Donghyuck?”

 

Donghyuck shook his head.

 

.

 

Their bare feet were gently playing with each other, and the intensity of Mark’s gaze filled Donghyuck’s chest with sweetness. Donghyuck’s face brushed against the pillow material and he smiled softly.

They spent more time together these days. Most of the time they just lay on Donghyuck’s bed and lost themselves in the other’s eyes until reality snaps them out of it. Sometimes they talk.

Sometimes they do both.

 

“I think I know why I acted like I did after you told me.”

Donghyuck stopped giggling and looked at him attentively to encourage him to continue talking. He stared at Mark lovingly and caressed the side of his face with one finger before he cupped his cheek, Mark instinctively leaning into the touch with a satisfied sigh.

 

“What happened, I feel like that’s on me. And no matter what you’ll do or say, this is a guilt that will stick to me until I die, because I failed to protect you. I should have known, I should have noticed. I’m terrified to think that it might happen again, I don’t think I can afford to fail you like I already did. Maybe that’s why overprotecting you was the only thing my brain could accept, maybe it was the only way I could live with this guilt and live with myself.”

“This is not a burden that you have to bear. There was nothing that you could have done, but I know that you’re not going to believe me, so get on your tummy.”

“Donghyuck I’m- wait, what?”

“Come on big guy, lay on your stomach.” Donghyuck said with a hint of malice in his voice, waiting for Mark to obey.

“You’re weirding me out.”

 

Once he -hesitantly- did, Donghyuck sat on his lower back, resting his legs on each side of Mark’s back who grunted in surprise.

 

“You weigh like nothing.” He whispered, his sad voice muffled in the pillow.

“I’m eating.”

“I know.” His voice sounded even sadder.

 

But Donghyuck was here to change that. He pulled up Mark's t-shirt who slightly turned his head to take a look at him, his frowning eyebrows accentuating his face drawn, tense and tired features.

Donghyuck rubbed his hands together to warm them, and laid them flat on Mark’s shoulder blades, then let them slide slowly to his trapezoids, squeezing enough to relax the muscles but without hurting him. He tried to unravel the knots of tension that seemed to have invaded Mark's back, caring for each muscle carefully, rolling them under his fingers, stretching them with his palms and occasionally laying a kiss on the skin heated by the treatment it received. He warmed and relaxed Mark's shoulders, then he leaned forward, pinning his chest against Mark's bare skin and let his hands travel from his shoulders to his arms, never leaving his skin and stroking his arms for quite a long time until he intertwined his fingers with Mark’s, slowly massaging his fingers and the back of his hands as well, until he returned to his back, his hands never leaving the skin underneath his own, tingles running through him and making him shiver.

Donghyuck came back down and upped his hands several times in a row, pressing enough to relax all the muscles, then he carefully massaged Mark's lumbar spine.

To reach his lower back, he had to back off and sit on Mark's butt to get a better position, but he did not give it a second thought. 

He decided to sprinkle gentle kisses up Mark's spine, then climbed to his neck to drop a kiss as light as a feather in the crux of his right ear before descending on his column and going down the same path he took.

He felt under his lips Mark’s chest sharply releasing air he was holding, and, satisfied with his work, he left an open mouth kiss on his spine, just above his pants.

Mark moaned.

 

_Mark moaned._

 

It was the most beautiful sound Donghyuck ever heard, and he wanted to hear it again. Only then he noticed Mark’s appearance. His muscled back got up and down following the rhythm of his breathing, his fingers were curled around the sheets, his eyes were closed and he was frowning but his mouth was open to let his ragged breath out. He looked ecstatic.

Donghyuck suddenly felt very hot and his cheeks started to burn as he watched in awe his boyfriend lying down underneath him. He then got more and more conscious of Mark’s ass under him, he could feel it, and it felt good. The whole situation felt exciting, and he wanted more. He wanted to get more reaction from Mark. A weird twisted curiosity was born in his stomach and spread through his whole body as he watched in a strange fascination Mark bite his lower lip and holding his breath. Curiosity got the better of him. 

He leaned over and, while keeping his eyes fixed on Mark's face, caressed his burning back with the tip of his nose, and he gave him another open-mouthed kiss on his right hip. He had time to see an expression of pure bliss on Mark’s face just before he smashed his head into the pillow to muffle another moan.

 

Mark moaned.

 

Mark moaned _again_.

 

Donghyuck’s mind shut down for a few seconds as a huge smile broke his face but he quickly stopped it. It was wrong. What he was doing was so wrong. He was beginning to feel the same disgusting feeling he felt in that American hotel room, _this couldn’t happen._

He got off Mark and turned his back to him as he took a sharp intake of breath, trying to calm down his sudden panic. His vision blurred and he tried to get more air into his lungs while this disgustingly nice warm feeling wrapped around him and made him feel light headed. To control the intake of sensory information he took in, he closed his eyes, but it somehow got worse as his imagination started to run wild, picturing images of Mark’s _wonderful_ pleasured face, images of Mark moaning, over and over again.

 

“Hyuck?”

 

_I’m sorry._

 

A familiar rough hand stroke his neck, and he leaned into the touch, finally opening his eyes to look at Mark who sweetly smiled at him. 

Maybe he fell in love a second time.

As usual, no words were needed and they just laid back down on the bed, facing each other. Mark gently caressed Donghyuck’s face with a careful hand, occasionally showing a strand of brown hair out of the way, until out of nowhere, he suddenly wrapped his arms and his legs very tightly around Donghyuck, holding onto him as a koala would. 

 

“What are you doing?” Surprised by the sudden action, Donghyuck could only laugh as he tried to escape the affection trap.

“I’m traping you in my arms, so nothing bad can get to you. Your bad thoughts and your bad feelings can’t touch you either, this right here, what I’m doing right now, is sending them away. It cancels the dark forces.”

“What nonsense are you saying?” Donghyuck giggled when Mark tickled his neck with the tip of his nose. 

“This special hug is called Maximum security. Do you like it?” 

 

Donghyuck laughed again at Mark’s antics and felt a warm buzzing feeling filling his entire body, his head becoming lighter. The silly cuddle session was enough to chase his demons away and it was exactly what Donghyuck needed at that moment and somehow, Mark understood it. 

Donghyuck beamed at him, his smile reaching his eyes and kissed him chastely.

 

“I love it.”

 

.

 

“Who wants to talk first?”

 

Donghyuck tucked his hands under his thighs while he felt his heart speeding up inside his chest, cold sweat slowly dripping down his forehead. He came here alone, he talked to his new friends, he ate the hard-as-stones-cookies. He could do this.

Before he could change his mind, his hand flew up in the air, his eyes steady as he looked at the support group’s leader. She smiled at him gently.

_I guess this is my cue to go._

 

“Sometimes I feel like I’m not alone in my own head. I feel like my mind wants to drag me down and wants to help me at the same time, so I’m just stuck in a weird middle. Somehow, the part who drags me down almost always win. Someone I trusted used that trust to take advantage of me. I can’t help but realise how clever he was, or maybe I was just stupid. He took care of me, I was his favorite you know?”

“I can’t even pinpoint the moment when this relation took a twisted turn. Probably since the first time he talked to me because his intentions were there from the beginning, I just couldn’t understand them.”

“He broke that trust, but he wasn’t alone to do it. They are so smart. They really are. They make you believe you are cared and loved, so their harsh words have so much more impact.”

“He did things to me, things I wish I couldn’t remember, but at the same time, I want to remember. I want to remember this agony and this deadening pain, I can’t even imagine how I would feel if I forgot it. Whether I like it or not, it’s part of my life now, and nothing could ever erase it, and it wouldn’t be right to erase it. It would mean that his actions have no consequences? I don’t want that, not for me.”

“Time has passed, but I still feel his control and his power over me at all times. I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know what I can do, but until this day I gathered enough confidence to tell you this.”

 

“Jaedong raped me.”

 

.

 

Daylight still pierced through the windows of his room, but Donghyuck could already see the moon high up in the sky. She was hidden behind vanishing clouds, but she was here. Always watching over him. He had a lot of time to think, a lot of people helped him to think about his situation in every way possible, but he was the one who had to take a decision. No matter how dangerous it seemed, no matter how scary it felt, he knew he had to do it. He silently tiptoed to the living room where he could hear his friends’ voices ringing against the walls, careful not to be seen by them. 

They were fighting again.

 

“You heard her like I did, Taeyong. It happened to her as well!”

 

“Don’t you think it haunts me, Jaehyun? Don’t you think I bite my nails to the blood because of the guilt I feel knowing what happened to Donghyuck happened to a young girl as well? Don’t you think I’m having nightmares just thinking about the possibility that it might have happened to other children? That it might happen right now as we are talking?” A shaky breath left his mouth and he passed a trembling hand in his hair while he closed his eyes for a few seconds, visibly trying to make his breathing evener. 

 

“We’re stuck. I’m just saying that she’s never going to tell us who did it, she’s too afraid.”

 

“We can’t blame her…” murmured Doyoung, his arms crossed against his chest and his eyes empty as he seemed to stare at something that wasn’t present in the room.

 

“There must be something we can do to help her. To help them all.”

 

“I wish we could do something Jaehyun. But Donghyuck isn’t going to tell us, and she’s not going to either. She knows it happened to other girls, I even think she saw it…” Yuta’s voice died down at the end of his sentence as his eyes got wet with sorrow, but he quickly chased his tears away. “Nobody is going to tell us anything, because no matter who the freak who’s doing that to them is, he’s blackmailing them. They are minors, away from their parents, training all day and all night long for the mere hope of a career, a debut looking more like an illusion than something they can ever achieve, and someone from the company is threatening to destroy everything they fought and worked for. Someone is threatening to destroy their future while destroying their present. Someone is using their dreams as a hostage. If I was them, I probably wouldn’t want to say anything either.” 

 

Hidden behind the door and shamelessly eavesdropping, Donghyuck watched his friends’ faces grow dark as their last streak of hope seemed to have left them in their own nightmares. Yuta slumped on the couch, Doyoung quickly joined him. Taeyong bit his nails nervously and Johnny put a comforting hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder. 

Sweet and gentle Jaehyun.

He had his head down, his hands on his hips to gain some composure but his trembling lips cancelled it. Silence reigned over the room until his broken whisper stabbed their hearts.

 

“I guess there’s nothing we can do.”

 

_There’s nothing we can do._

Donghyuck’s palms got sweaty and he lowered his head in shame.

This was wrong. 

_I can do something._

 

When he entered the room, given his friends’ behaviors, it was crystal clear that he wasn’t supposed to hear their conversation as they all put a mask back on their faces to hide their despair. Donghyuck couldn’t care less about false pretences at this moment, he needed to focus on gathering his courage while he stepped closer to them, his feet going forward without hesitating.

 

“Donghyuck! What- why are you… You should be in bed!” Stuttered a panicked Johnny and Donghyuck refrained the urge to snort as the clock behind Johnny gave 8pm. 

“Why are you here Hyuck?” Asked Yuta, way more calmly than his friend, his scrutinising gaze trying to decipher Donghyuck’s motives.

 

“Hyungs…” Donghyuck took a deep breath, watched them all in the eyes for a few seconds until he turned back to Taeyong, all hesitation leaving his body as his chest filled with warm power and confidence. He started at his leader and pronounced the words he thought about for so long, with a stable, determinate voice, absolutely convinced that it was the best decision he could make. It was the decision he _wanted_ to make.

 

 

 

“I want to file a lawsuit.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I hope you enjoyed it, this was a very long chapter, I'm sorry I guess? I get that it can be a little harder to read so much in one shot but I didn't really know where to cut it, because it might not look like it, but it has a very specific structure.
> 
> I'm going to write shorter chapters from now on.
> 
> Please tell me what you thought about this chapter, and what do you think of this story in general sksksks what do you think is going to happen?  
> It makes me so happy to talk about this with you guys, I could never thank you enough for reading my story, it really warms my heart when I see your comments, thank you so much for your support!  
> Also, if you spot any mistake, it would be very kind of you to point them out to me? It would really help me a lot, thank you so much! I feel very uncomfortable posting something when it's not beta read, because I know my English skills aren't great, so a little help would be nice :')
> 
> (and once again, sorry for the long update, this kind of became a habit? A bad habit. I'm trying to get rid of it I promise.) 
> 
> PS : I'm planning on writing a new story after this one (Deadly Hold is almost over guys hehe) It's going to be a mafia AU and a markhyuck fanfic, would you be excited to read it?


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